Is it a good idea to promise to sleep with someone in 6 weeks, or any other timeline?
Find out with Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: So Reid, you’re talking to someone about having sex in the future, should you ever give them a timeline?
Reid: In future like 2069? I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Can’t you wait?
Cathy: If you’re talking to a partner or someone you’ve been connected with…
Reid: In the future.
Cathy: In the future. Reid talking about maybe you’re not having sex right now for a reason. For some reason maybe you’ve chosen to be solo bit for a while. You’re in a relationship where you agreed not to for certain time or might have some health issues or just not feeling sexy. When you talk to people you play with, should you be like, “I think I’ll going to be fine in 6 weeks. So let’s check in there.”
Reid: Well, check in’s a check in. I would sleep with you in 6 weeks is just a bad idea.
Cathy: Can you explain well?
Reid: Because you can’t guarantee that people are going to be wanting to have sex or in the mood or whatever. You’re building expectations. Usually people promise people things because they don’t want to upset them but then you’re making… around sex is really tricky because if you really want to have sex with people who want to have sex, the easiest way to do that is to just give everybody choice to make decisions in the moment and then hangout with people can handle disappointments.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: That way it’s like, “Oh well, I know tonight is date night but I can’t. I have rash. I have this, I have that. I’m just tired.”
Cathy: And I don’t want to.
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: Yeah. So if you can, when you’re talking to someone, it’s really easy to say check back. There’s any [inaudible 00:01:43] when I’m dating someone like, “Okay, talk to me in a month and let’s see.” There’s nothing wrong with it but sometimes I’m just putting off something too like, “I really don’t want to go back out with you but I’m just going to say a month because I don’t to face it right now.”
Reid: Yeah. And I’m also not saying don’t plan. You can plan a sexy night or something like that. Just understand that planning is not promising and that giving people room to be able to change their mind and everybody involved being able to handle their disappointment which means they can still feel disappointed but they’re not going to guilt your [inaudible 00:02:24], ideally they’re not going to blame you. Having those skills sets and then arriving in the moment, even if you’ve got all the candles lit and everything and you’re like, “You know what, we’re not feeling it.”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Whenever you’re not feeling it, don’t do it. Figure out what else you want to create or if you want to go even geekier, figure out what’s the need you’re trying to get filled and then can you get it filled in a way without sex? And that can be tricky for a lot of people because we use sex in our culture as a form of approval and that’s certainly true for penis owners.
Cathy: So where do you… like we’ve had another video about sometimes if you want to get in the mood, you can start without expectations. Start messing around and sometimes you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m in the mood.” How do you know where to draw the line?
Reid: I heard Esther Perel talk about this first and I’m sure there are other people that talk about this but it’s the idea of when you are neutral. It’s understanding when you’re a yes, like a hell yes, and then really be in if I going to find that you’re a no. And then the place of neutral you’re like, “Nah, I’m not in the mood but I’m not a no.” That’s very different than “I’m not in the mood.”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Trying to do things when you’re not in the mood, will you the blow up in your face, not in fun ways, or it just breathes resentment or eventually these people afterwards feeling like something is awful-
Cathy: You can usually tell if someone’s not worthy, at least subconsciously you’re like, “Something’s not right about it.” Usually it don’t get good experience to anybody.
Reid: Yeah and you should call the time out and have a redo. I have done and laid a lot because I’m okay with stopping things in the middle like, “Is it just me or is things not feel right?” and because everybody is trying to fulfil. If you’re the person who can call the time out and have a check in, take a break or you can just be like, “Something’s off like let’s not.” That’s just being a decent human being and then people feel safer with you which can, this is for good not for evil, make you way more attractive for people in the future.
Cathy: Good. Thank you.
Reid: Sex should be get to, now you have to.
Cathy: Please leave your comments below and let us know what you think. Would you want to tell someone, “Hey, I’ll have sex with you in 6 months or 6 weeks.” How would you like to handle that?