Privacy When Poly…How Do I Set Boundaries With Other Partners?
Find out more with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “Do you have any tips for handling scheduling and maintaining privacy of dates and avoiding anxious jealous interrogation from other partners? In other words, “How do I have stronger personal boundaries for grinding my time spent with other men?”
I’m here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.theintimacydojo.com/. I did a Facebook live on this and at some point it will be posted on my YouTube channel and I’m interested in your answers Cathy Vartuli, answer the question you’re on the spot.
Cathy: Thank you. I think a lot of it is you can set expectation and agreements about stuff and some of this. It’s… if your agreement is you do talk about stuff, how much are you willing to talk about if you’re not speaking up, you’re not saying “Hey, you’re asking details and I don’t wanna share” or you know setting boundaries around it then it’s not really about avoiding the interaction with your partners, it’s… if they’re feeling jealousy, is it your agreement that you’ll help them through the jealousy or is it you know “Hey, I get that you’re having feeling and I think you should go and talk to someone about it. What… what is it that you need out of the relationship and the interaction and what boundaries should you set with these people so that you don’t have to avoid having those…those conversations you’re just like, “Yeah, we agreed that I’m going to tell you when I’m going out with whom I’m gonna be with if that’s your agreement. But the specific details are not might you know I’m not gonna share that if that’s…” Different people have different needs around that. Some people love to share the details, but if someone’s getting really jealous that could be a lot to handle.
Reid: Some of the things that I think I talked about in the Facebook live but I’ll just go through it real quick is ideas on it is a privacy thing. Do you need other lover’s not to have be in all of your business which is different than “don’t ask, don’t tell?” It say, “Hey, you know I’m non-monogamous, I see other people. What do you need for that to feel healthy for you?” And then you’re also asking yourself that same question. You might have a lover or a partner that’s like “I need to know everything, I need a list, and I need to know where you are, I need to know what you did, you have to list out the all of sexual things that you did because I wanna understand what risks I’m at.” And I have lot of emotional needs the more that I know, the calmer I can be whether that’s true or not, we don’t know your mileage may vary. But you have a need for, well actually my other relationships are mine you know that I see other people, I’m following our agreements for… for you know
Cathy: Safer sex.
Reid: you know physical safety, emotional safety, heart… you know keeping your heart in my heart safe. But at some points, you need to trust me and I need some privacy. I’m not gonna set up my nano cam in the room that I’m banging my lover for you to feel fine about it. So there might be a difficult conversation about those things. It might set up a situation where their jealousy is all over you
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: when you’re going out. And now this is a conversation about how do you support them in getting their needs figured out and handled where’s it’s not about you. You don’t wanna be sacrificing yourself and the bad news is that maybe you figure out for you that… and maybe for them that having partners who struggle with jealousy in certain ways is not a good fit for you so they’re not your species and then you have to do the… the adult thing of transitioning the relationship. So that was some of the stuff that I was talking about but you’re always coming ideally, curiously, compassionately around what are your needs and what are your concerns. And then you have those same things and it’s totally fine to need to have a private life. You don’t need to know where so-and-so and I are going to dinner because that’s your thing. I’m very different I’m like “I don’t fucking care here… here’s everything.” But I’ve dated people who are like “Hey, could you not tell everybody, everything?” And I’m like “Yeah, I know that.”
Cathy: Yeah. So again figure out what your needs are around this. How much do you want to share, how much you want them to share with you and then clear…clearly defining that with them can be really powerful. So, we hope this helps. Leave comments below
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: What do you think?
Reid: And then invite them to go to my jealousy course
Cathy: Yeah, it’s really…
Reid: https://reidaboutsex.com/jealousy
Cathy: It’s a really good quest.