Mega Crush…What Do You Do When It Sucks? | Facebook Walk With Reid
Reid: Hello everybody! It is Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and I am in the Salt Lake City Airport. I was just in Albuquerque teaching some workshops and before that, I was in New Orleans teaching for Monique Darling in her Transformational Extraordinary Transformational Facilitator…some of that something. I always get the name wrong but it’s a great name I just can’t remember it.
So I am in Salt Lake right now, where are you today as we celebrate Veterans Day? So happy Veterans Day everyone! And that means in the U.S. a lot of people have the day off starting with a long weekend and this weekend we’re gonna be hanging out…Allison and I are hanging out with her family, they’re coming in for an early Thanksgiving. So tonight is the beginnings of our feasting and I think officially we were gonna celebrate another Thanksgiving tomorrow and so lots of cooking and hanging out and fun and I’m excited to get home. I’ve been on the road for a little bit.
And it’s kind of quiet over, I just sneak on the airport but I’m also…it’s kinda bright by the window and I had a really interesting question somebody asked me that they emailed me but then they were at the workshop this weekend in Albuquerque and so they reminded me…they reminded me of the question was they…they wrote in, “Question for a possible video or post. You’ve talked a lot about dating your species and how not to imprint but what do you do for a mega crush you already have on a person when you know or have discovered that they’re not a good fit?” So what happens when by the time you figure out they’re not a good fit for you, they are not your species, what do you do when it’s already like chemically too late like you’ve already kind of crushed or imprinted on them? And in this…in Albuquerque I was talking about casual sex and how to take your casual sex seriously was one of the workshops I was talking about and we…we talked about like little distinctions between you know falling in love and having a crush and you might want to look up and look at the definition for a term called limerence…limerence and which basically means when you have feelings for somebody and want those feelings reciprocated. So when you like like somebody but they don’t like you back or you don’t know if they like you back yet but you want them to be liking you back that kind of attraction that you’re having and you’re…you’re pretty certain that you want some sort of relationship.
So for me that’s kind of kind of how crushes, kind of how crushes manifest themselves for me like I’m I’m now not just like it’s not like I just I like you but I’m like “What would it be like if we moved in together? What it would be like if we were secondaries or primaries?” When I when I’m crushing on couples, it’s like “What if we formed a little triad, what would that be like?” Maybe I could be like an you know their…their chosen uncle to their kids and the thing that that I think is useful from starting to figure that out like what do you say and think to yourself like what kind of thoughts do you have in your brain when you’re crushing on somebody? Those kinds of thoughts can help you realize that you’re in a crush and that would be kind of um I guess like the emotional equivalent of you’ve had a couple of drinks and you’re a little tipsy but if you keep drinking you’re gonna get drunk.
And what I like about having the idea of crushes is it gives you like another category to just be able to like like somebody a lot and not have it have to turn into a relationship because you can have a crush and it’s okay to have a crush like you know as school kids, we were…it’s okay to have crushes on people, as teenagers it’s okay to have crushes on people it’s not a bad thing. Whereas you know if you fall in love with somebody and you’re not trying to it’s you know it has all these consequences, there’s all these… there’s all these havoc that it wreaks.
So something that we talked about in the workshop and it seemed like a lot of people got a lot of value out of that because we just don’t think that it’s okay to have you know crushes and even for like especially for monogamy like oh, goodness forbid you have a crush like you’re only allowed to have crushes on celebrities or something like that. But if you have an office crush, it’s gonna destroy the workplace whereas like if you kind of start to get your sea legs on that you’re like “Oh, well I just kind a….I have a crush” like you know you can have a crush I guess you can have crushes on things like you can you can fall in love and have a crush on Game of Thrones and want to binge on it but it doesn’t mean you’re gonna stay at home and skip work necessarily and lose your job because you’ve got five more seasons of Game of Thrones to catch up so it’s starting to take you know be realistic and be real with yourself about “Oh, you know what, I can have feelings and it doesn’t have to wreak havoc on me.” And there’s this area in between not liking somebody and then being madly in love to where you just lose your shape.
So in this instance, the reason I’m setting that up is let’s say we have this mega crush let’s see…get up caught in a fantasy Adrienne. Crushes work best when you don’t actually know the person really. Oh, that’s true. Well and and you can know the person really and crush on them because they’re just fucking awesome but like let’s so let’s define this term for for this video like what’s a mega crush? I would say mega crush is maybe like if we go back to limerence, a mega crush might be a situation where you know the relationship hasn’t really started or you’re just kind of friends with benefits or fuck buddies but you want a relationship. And maybe that’s a good way to do like you know it’s occurring to me right now like maybe that’s a great way to think about unrequited love. If somebody’s not available for a relationship or doesn’t want to have a relationship with you then your feelings, is it really love or are you just kind of having a mega crush or a crush? And that you know true…true love in the Princess Bride sort of way perhaps is less about the fantasy or the mysticism of being soul mates but maybe it’s about that you’re both in agreement as to what the relationship is going to be, the the kind of commitment or the kind of engagement that you’re going to have so you know you could be secondaries or tertiaries and and have true love because you’re speaking your truth to each other and you’ve had the conversations about what kind of relationships commitment and agreement you’re gonna have like maybe we should consider that as being like the new definition of…of love from a relationship perspective when it’s what’s the opposite of unrequited just requited? Requited love and then crush can be you know having feelings and having maybe like friends-with-benefits kind of a thing or I don’t know…I’m gonna think about this I have to think this through but it would be interesting to have a category for when you have lots of feelings for somebody and they don’t have feelings for you or they’re unavailable because if we can’t name it and we can’t put a positive spin on it then all we can do is shame and blame ourselves.
So back to the question I feel like I’m out of tangent, if you have a mega crush on somebody and you know they’re a bad fit for you it’s time to find rummage around your clothes on the floor in your room because you’ve probably with this mad crush in this situation, you maybe you’ve been having sex so find your adulting pants and put them on, if you have a second pair of adulting pants maybe maybe pull those out of a drawer and put those on too. Put on as many adulting pants as you can because you’re going to have to make some adult decisions if you really know that this person is a bad fit for you for relationships like for pursuing them for whatever reason then you shouldn’t pursue them, you shouldn’t fan the flames on that situation maybe you can downgrade the situation to fuck buddies or you know just friends and again like there’s nothing wrong with just being friends like that’s that’s actually being evolved, “Hey this is a horrible idea. Let’s downgrade or transition like it’s not even downgraded like it’s a worse thing…let’s upgrade to something that’s actually a good fit.” And…and be adult about those kinds of things. I think that is the best bat and then you just have to kind of go through detox on your feelings. So with a mega crush who’s a horrible fit is there a better fit for them in your life and a way where you can enjoy and put a positive spin on the mega-crush you know to be surrounded by people that you are titillated by, turned on by, inspired by in ways that don’t wreak havoc on you and if you can’t figure out those ways then you should you know transition them out of your life because it’s not gonna be a good for you or for them. Eventually you are you’re continuing not to get what you want, you will either bend your own bottom lines and make a bunch of exceptions that will lead to resentment and unhappiness probably because the only way it becomes happiness is if you change or they change and then you’re hoping for something to change rather than just being who you are.
So I would say there’s you know adulting is the decision, is the choice, is the way to go in this. If you can’t find a good fit for them then you need to transition them out of your life and then go through the grieving and the detoxing. If you think about your past life they’re not past life like your actual you know I lived in Egypt during the pyramids but more about like in your life growing up how many crushes have you had and gotten over? How many crushes like burned really bright and then faded because they were just crushes like that? You know a lot of times it’s your brain chemistry or that this person reminds you of your parents in a certain way and you’re trying to you know have a redo of something some parental dynamic or you know your brain chemistry is on high and you are high crushing on them. It doesn’t mean that it’s comfortable but can you enjoy the high, can you enjoy the…the…this person is a bad fit for me trip and and then you know get on the other side of it and start living your life again.
I think I’ll leave it there and I’m gonna look at all the comments and I just want to thank everybody for…for tuning in today. If you want to learn more about dating your species and relationship stuff I’ve actually got a free webinar happening this Sunday, November 12th at 1 p.m. Pacific and if you register for it and I’ll put the link in the description…if you register for it then you’ll get a reminder that the webinar’s about to start that day and you’ll also get sent after the webinar a link to the replay so if you miss it, you’ll still get to listen to it and I was working on the slide deck today for the webinar and I was making some fun graphics about some stuff. So I’m excited about teaching it and so that’s gonna be this Sunday [Inaudible 00:13:02] for relationship nerdery and if you’re interested in dating your species you can go to https://reidaboutsex.com/species and if you want to learn more about how not to imprint on each other and crush responsibly then go to https://reidaboutsex.com/speciesprotocols for the casual sex protocols.
Alright, everybody, I will put the webinar link up above and I’ll talk to you later. Bye from Salt Lake City. Wait, maybe I can show you the mountains. Here, I’m on the wrong side of the airport but they’re back, they’re somewhere. There you go. Alright everybody, Bye! Have a great weekend.