Are My Fantasies Okay?

by Reid on February 13, 2016

Young couple arguingEver wonder, if your fantasies are okay, and if you don’t have really good fantasies, how could you develop your skill at creating fantasies? How do you know which fantasies are okay and which ones aren’t?

Listen to relationship expert Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from as they are talking about fantasies.

Cathy: Are my fantasies okay, and if I don’t have really good fantasies, how could I develop my skill at creating fantasies? This is Reid Mihalko from

Reid: Oh, sorry. I’m so sorry. You’re Cathy Vartuli from

Cathy: All day long. So Reid …

Reid: Yes?

Cathy: How do you know which fantasies are okay and which ones aren’t?

Reid: They’re all okay. The ones that aren’t okay are the ones that don’t make you hot and horny and excited and feeling fun. Probably, for many of us, if you’re like me, the one’s that you feel kind of sketchy about and a little ashamed about are probably okay too because eroticism and fantasy often have a lot to do with taboo and things that are forbidden, or things that are illicit.

Cathy: It doesn’t mean that you actually want to do them. I have a lot of fantasies, erotic thoughts, that they sound great up here but if somebody actually tried to do them to me, I’d be so out of there.

Reid: Making love to a sasquatch: probably not that good of an idea – and I’m not a sasquatchist. If you’re watching, sasquatch, love you. Love your work.

Cathy: What can you do if you don’t have a rich fantasy life and you’d like to develop that?

Reid: Explore. Look at things that are maybe taboo to you or things that you don’t think that you should be doing. Read different erotica books. For some people – and again it can be a little bit tricky if you’re searching the internet for porn that you may or may not find exciting because sometimes you just get to a website you didn’t even know existed, and then all of a sudden you’re like “Whoa, I can’t unsee that.” Generally, eroticism, erotica, things like that, are a good place to start.

For those of you who are like “Oh my god, I love visual things and who knew that there was a website for this?” you can explore that, too. Again, I think you’re looking for those things that are tantalizing, or titillating, or taboos, and the elicit are also really good places to look. Also, for those of you whose fantasies are romance and the candlelight and a relationship that never ends – that’s a fantasy, too. Not a fantasy like you can’t have it …

Cathy: But it’s something you-

Reid: Although by today’s statistics … You’re allowed to have really tame fantasies. Again, it’s the things that turn you on, the things that are exciting. Not everybody needs to be kidnapped by pirates.

Cathy: Realize that fantasies change over time so things that I really enjoyed a couple years ago, some of those they don’t do anything for me anymore. We grow and evolve as human beings and we get to expand and explore what turns us on, and that’s really powerful. If you can tell your partner to whisper – if you’re a pirate fantasy person – “Argh, matey” in your ear when you’re playing together … I know that was really corny.

Reid: Argh, matey.

Cathy: That’s a good example. If you can tell your partner what’s erotic for you, you can actually heighten the excitement. That’s scary. Don’t just show up in the bedroom with a parrot there.

Reid: Rahhh! Ahh!

Cathy: Okay, that was way too corny. We should stop.

Reid: We’re giving them no value. Maybe we’re role modeling. Have fun; have fun with things. Understand that your partner may not understand why you think something is hot. Show them this video; hopefully we won’t ruin it for you. The idea is that it’s okay for … you can still love people and not be into what they’re into. Understand, for some people their fantasies don’t mean that they want to go do things.

Sharing fantasies, or you sharing fantasies with your loved ones, doesn’t mean you essentially are opening up a conversation that you have to go do this. Fantasy gets to be fantasy; it never has to happen. You can figure out how to do it safely and then maybe try it out and see what it’s like to have it happen. As somebody who’s tried certain fantasies, there are ones that I’m like “Wow, I’m really glad I got clear that needs to be in my head and not actually in reality.” We don’t talk about stuff like that. You’re not broken if you just want to keep some fantasies fantasies.

Cathy: You’re allowed to keep them private too if you chose to. Let us know what you think. You’re welcome to share your fantasy below if you like, and sasquatch, remember Reid is waiting for you.

Reid: With a pirate hook. Sasquatchy, mmm argghhh.

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