Wanting to get out there and date more, but feel frustrated that you’re not attracting the kind of people you want? Is there a type of person that drives you batty? Update your dating profile to filter better. For example- if you want to attract independent people (vs needy), what can you say?
Join Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as she talks to sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com about creating more intimacy in your life.
Cathy: Hi, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com, here with Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. Hey, Reid!
Reid: Hi Cathy!
Cathy: What can you do… If you’re putting on a dating profile, what can you do so that you don’t attract needy people? If that’s something you really don’t want in your life, and you don’t want to have to weed through them and kind of like fend them off, what can you say or do so that you can kind of eliminate that from your response?
Reid: I would put right up on top, in big capital letters, “Needy people need not apply!”
Cathy: Do you think needy people are always cognizant that they’re needy?
Reid: No! But, I mean, be obvious…
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: …about what works for you and what doesn’t.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: So the segue is, for you, what is an acceptable level of neediness?
Cathy: What appears needy to you?
Reid: Sure!
Cathy: Is it that I’m calling five times a day, or that I’m texting twenty times…
Reid: Or, (sigh) I mean I’m coming out with silly examples, but like, somebody who’s been in a car for four hours, and really needs to pee.
Cathy: (laughing)
Reid: And they’re standing in front of you, and they’re like, they need to pee. Is that too needy for you?
Cathy: (laughing)
Reid: Versus somebody who needs reassurance in a way that is not working for you.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Because you’re going to have your own levels that don’t even faze you.
Cathy: Mmm hmm.
Reid: Where for other people, they’re like, “Oh my God! How can you put up with that?” and you’re like, “It doesn’t bother me.”
Cathy: Right.
Reid: So, one is for you to take a look at what is needy, and how that bothers you. Get clear about that, because if you don’t have that figured out, or kind of mapped out…
Cathy: Mmm hmm…
Reid: …there’s no way to create a policy.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: And if you don’t have a policy, there’s nothing to enforce. So everything’s really fuzzy, and if they’re just a really nice person that happens to tweak you in these four ways, it’s hard to say no.
Cathy: So knowing yourself is… I personally dislike getting chatty text messages a lot, like back and forth every day. And I know to some people that’s fine, but I could put right in my profile, “I don’t chat by text.”
Reid: Yeah, “Text messaging doesn’t work for me.”
Cathy: It does if you’re running late, but I don’t want to go back and forth chatting, though.
Reid: Sure. The other piece there, and we’ll get back into needs, is like lets say the chatty text messaging.
Cathy: Mmm hmm.
Reid: If you text them back, “Hey, FYI, I don’t really do the twenty-eight lines of text messaging, I use text messaging for this purpose…”
Cathy: Mmm hmm.
Reid: You know, “Does that work for you?” And if they say yes, but they continue to do it, that’s just somebody who’s either incapable of making adjustments or just doesn’t hear you at all.
Cathy: So it’s maybe not a good fit.
Reid: It might not be a good fit. Right? Around how do you not attract needy… Once you figure out what is needy for you – because one person’s needy is another person’s delight! – then, as far as looking at your dating profile, write down the things that you know really work well for you. Lead with that, then have the things that don’t work well for you.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And I think we’ve talked about this in another video, you know… Give people some sort of hoop to jump through, in the beginning.
Cathy: Mmm hmm.
Reid: I like a question that will elicit them, telling me more about themselves, because what you find out there is, if in their response, they don’t answer the question at all…
Cathy: Then they’re not paying attention.
Reid: …then they’re not paying attention, and they’re not paying attention right off the bat.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Now they might get better at it. You might have got them on a bad day. But you should know in three to four e-mails if they’re scoring high on your “oh, they’re passing my requirements” list.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: If they do not pass your requirements list, you know, get rid of them. Because you guys are not a good fit. For somebody else, they’re a perfect fit.
Cathy: Yes. Let them free to go play with someone else.
Reid: Yeah, release. Catch and release.
Cathy: (laughing)
Reid: And then, as far as needs go, I think, separating it from those communication styles…
Cathy: Mmm hmm…
Reid: Whereas like, somebody who just really loves texting, they just text everybody! You only see them texting you ten times a day.
Cathy: Right, they may be texting everybody.
Reid: They may be texting everybody because… Their grandfather invented texting – who knows? Right?
Cathy: (laughing)
Reid: So communication differences does not “needy” make.
Cathy: Good point.
Reid: And start to understand yourself around that.
Cathy: Mmm hmm.
Reid: And then I would just really delve into, again, back to “What’s needy for you?”
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: “What’s too needy?” “What is not needy?” And get clear on those things. And then, when you have a conversation with them, on the phone or whatever, or in person, have this conversation with them. “Hey,” you know, “what is needy for you, and what’s too needy? And what would be ways that I could show up that would not work for you?” Because in that conversation, you guys would get a lot of interesting information about each other.
Cathy: You can create intimacy.
Reid: You can create intimacy by being vulnerable, and you get to set the tone, to get more information on whether this person is a good fit for you or not.
Cathy: Yeah, that’s great. Thank you.
Reid: You’re welcome. Leave comments below. Let Cathy know how you’re doing. You can e-mail me too, at ReidAboutSex.com, and Cathy is “Cathy with a C” at TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Thanks everyone!
Reid: Bye bye!