If you long for someone and they say no… what do you do?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: This is a really good video that you picked. If you missed the one before it this is still good, but the one before it whoa!
Cathy: When you’re attracted or aroused towards someone and they don’t reciprocate how do you handle that and how do you find your balance again?
This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Reid how can people handle that; how can they…Because when you want somebody, when you’re attracted and you’re longing for them you really want them. When they say no, it can feel… why are you laughing?
Reid: Because everyone does this. First off okay, I cut you off by the way. Second off, I cut you off again. Oh I really want somebody. Oh I’m longing for them. Longing for somebody means you’ve been liking them for awhile.
Cathy: I’ve managed to long for someone in a very short period of time.
Reid: Like how short?
Cathy: The period of a movie, Hugh Jackman gets me every time.
Reid: Okay that’s unfair by the way, because we all long after Hugh Jackman. No, I’m talking about actual people, not celebrities that you may never meet. Although you might meet Hugh…
Cathy: Hugh if you’ve listening just send me an e-mail, whatever.
Reid: She has such a crush on you. The idea of I’m attracted to somebody versus I’m longing for them means time has passed.
Cathy: Generally yes.
Reid: In that time you could have been telling them that you like them.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: And figured out from them what was appropriate. If they said, “Thank you so much. I appreciate the attention, but I’m not into you.” That might help quell some of your longing.
Cathy: That’s possible. There are times though when someone reminds us of something we’ve always wanted to have. That can illicit longing in a very short period of time. There’s also times when we’ve been with somebody and developed a connection and we feel aroused and longing towards them and they’re no longer available.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: How do we handle that?
Reid: Enjoy that you’re alive and that you have feelings and emotions. Are you hungry right now?
Cathy: I’m starting to get hungry.
Reid: Do you actually have a practice where you enjoy the hunger and the sensation of wanting food so that your hunger is actually delicious to you?
Cathy: No.
Reid: No, so it’s not very conscious. We can do this with longing my friends. Oh yes grasshopper, you too can start to embrace and enjoy when you’re feeling horny, when you’re feeling aroused, enjoy that you’re attracted to somebody who’s not attracted to you. Maybe Hugh Jackman, we don’t know. He doesn’t know you yet. Hugh, watch the videos. We make arousal this, it’s like jealously. It’s like, “Oh my God we have to stay away from it” and this starts when we’re kids, ”You kids can’t control yourselves”. We don’t teach our children to enjoy the chemistry that flows through them and to enjoy the sensations that we have as human beings.
We’re taught to fear them and to avoid them. This becomes this what do we do, rather than enjoy it. I have crushes on tons of people who don’t want to have anything to do with me.
Cathy: They run screaming.
Reid: Some of them. Cute, you didn’t have run screaming. That was not cool. I can still enjoy that they’re on the planet.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: I can still enjoy that I have attraction for them.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: I know this is unconventional, but it’s time..in times like these that we need unconventional wisdom. That kind of looked like I was doing the…
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: I’m sorry about that.
Cathy: I think Reid’s advice is really good, but I think it can be very hard for some people to implement. If you find that there’s a lot of pain around wanting someone and not getting them, go back and look at your life and see what am I making this mean? When was I rejected or when did I want something that I didn’t get before and untangle that a little bit. Whether you use; I use emotional freedom techniques for a lot of these things or visualization or meditation or journaling. As you get clear that that was the past and this is now, that can help it be a lot more easy to do what’s Reid’s suggesting.
We’d love to know what you think. This is a great topic and very few people in our society look at it, so you’re way ahead of the curve. Leave a comment below and let us know what you think. Subscribe to the channel, we’d love to have you keep in touch.
Reid: Yeah, Hugh?