What Should I Do If Someone Drinks My Beer Other Than My Partner?
Reid: Alright. We’re broadcasting from the beach with our windsock on our mic. Hopefully the sound is great.
Cathy: Yes, hopefully. So, someone wrote in and said that they’re in a poly relationship and one of the things they’d love to do is they love to share with….they share beers with their partner all the time.
Reid: Beers.
Cathy: Beer
Reid: I like that.
Cathy: So that
Reid: What kind of beer? They say?
Cathy: They didn’t
Reid: Dark beer. I like Porters and Stouts.
Cathy: Yeah, we’ll say Porters and Stouts. So, the….the problem is that their partner is so the….these two people are sharing when they’re out and about but their partner has a blanket agreement with some of their other lovers to share drinks. So the other day they were at a picnic and they were sharing of beer back and forth and a partner of his that she’s not related to came up and just grabbed the beer and started drinking it and it was like she was she said she was like “oh my god. This is my beer. I didn’t agree to share with that person.” And they’re wanting to know how to handle that.
Reid: Non-monogamous slutty beer sharing folk
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Oh yes.
Cathy: This….I’m introducing….this is…I’m here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: That’s Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/. Yeah, time for a time for a conversation with everybody.
Cathy: Yeah, so she said she didn’t want to she didn’t want to come across as jealous or controlling
Reid: Didn’t want a beer shame.
Cathy: Beer shame and she gets that they have an agreement so she didn’t feel like they did anything wrong and still but it was something she was sharing with her partner in that moment and the other person just came over and grabbed it.
Reid: It sounds like your partner needs to have several beers open at the same time.
Cathy: Well that’s not….they’ll go flat if the other people you know you can’t anticipate.
Reid: Well, then what do you….what’s your advice?
Cathy: I…
Reid: That’s my solution.
Cathy: I think that if it’s important to you talking to the person, your partner and saying “hey, listen I know that you have sharing with other people but there’s times I just want to share you and I and this I don’t choose to share with other people.” So
Reid: Okay, so then what?
Cathy: Then maybe they had…..that person has to talk with their other partner and say “hey, when I’m with my partner you can’t just take our drinks.”
Reid: And then what? Open more beers. Tada! Problem solved.
Cathy: Well, I think that people do…..there’s a feeling of sharing and camaraderie and kind of like connectedness when people share drinks. So I do understand that people might feel like I don’t want to lose that feeling I’d be able to go and share a drink with someone.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: But I also understand that you know it’s like I didn’t agree with to share with those three other people.
Reid: Sure. You can put condoms on the drinks. No…no that’s the same thing. Safer…safer drinking? No
Cathy: What are your thoughts?
Reid: Have several beers, have conversations with everybody about what I need to feel special, what I need to feel my own germs or whatever like whatever the thing is have a conversation with everybody preferably over beers and then ask everybody else like what….what do you….what needs do you have like how can we or how can I show up and have you feeling more seen, heard you know acknowledged in the open relationship dynamics the polycule dynamics that we have? It’s….I mean because again like there are going to be things that feel really trivial and silly from other lovers but to them they’re really important and if you just acknowledge that people have needs and that those things like everyone’s needs are important and that we’re all in this together to try to leave everyone feeling you know honored and….and appreciated then you just have…..what I would do is big sit-down conversations with everybody to create win wins and then if it all goes to hell and everybody is yelling and screaming at you at least you have a beer. Right?
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: As nice tasty Stout or Porter.
Cathy: No, I think it is important even if it feels uncomfortable and you don’t want to appear as jealous, it’s important to speak up and say something if this matters to you because it….you know if you’re in a poly if you’re in poly relationships this is
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: probably not the only time something like this is going to happen.
Reid: Another way that a lot of people seem to get very quickly is special nicknames are more sacrosanct for people so I think not everybody’s going to agree but a lot of people can at least wrap their minds around “Oh, Boo is your special name with so-and-so I shouldn’t use Boo.” And if you said “hey, could you not use my special nickname with you know our shared partner. Could you come up with your own nickname that would be great” and then at least you’re having a conversation and then it’s just a little a little jump in a skip to “do you mind if I have my own beer?”
Cathy: Well, I…. it might be that they want to share with their partner. They just don’t want their partner
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: to share with other people.
Reid: But if you never have the conversation then it’s going to be really hard for anybody to wrap their mind around it
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: and then some people are just slutty with their beers.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: There you go. We hope this is helpful and I hope this was at least playful.
Cathy: Yeah and please leave comments below if you have solutions we haven’t thought of or you’ve run into things like this we’d love to know how you handle them.
Reid: Well, if you have a great suggestion about a delicious Stout or Porter I want to know.
Cathy: Especially chocolate.
Reid: Chocolate Stouts and Porters.