Ever wonder how to have “The Talk” with your date? Discussing safer sex issues and concerns can bring a lot of ease to a new or an established connection, and sets the groundwork for talking about challenging things.
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as Reid shares his Safer Sex Elevator Speech.
Reid’s write up on the Safer Sex Elevator Speech is here:
ReidAboutSex.com/safersexelevatorspeech/
Cathy: Have you ever wondered how to talk to someone about safer sex issues, STDs, what you like in bed?
Reid: Have you freaked out when it was time for the talk because you didn’t know what exactly was supposed to be in the talk or if it was a good time to have it?
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: And this is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: And he has an amazing elevator speech for safer sex that works really well and it’s actually kind of fun. It’s been fun to do.
Reid: So basically, the idea is a lot of people stumble on the safer sex conversation or don’t initiate it because they don’t know what to say or how to get it all out and then what we end up doing is we end up waiting for the other person to make the move and initiate the conversation.
Cathy: And sometimes it never comes. Like the longer you wait, the more awkward it is to talk about it.
Reid: Yeah. Because most people don’t know how to have the conversation so no one initiates it and then like you’re in the middle of the sex and then you’re like I should really be talking to this person about safer sex and it just gets worse and worse and worse. So here’s a quick formula that you can go to www.ReidAboutSex.com and search for elevator speech or safer sex elevator speech and it will pop up. But this formula is really useful, it’s really short. You can probably with a little bit of practice get it down to like two to three minutes like your elevator pitch. But the most important thing aside from initiating the conversation is it’s a huge tool for assessing where the other person is in their world, like how well they can speak about their likes and dislikes around sex, what their status is. So it gives you tons of information. So I just recommend that whenever you’re wondering when is it time to have the conversation, that’s your sign, that’s your signal to initiate the conversation. Basically, what I do is I say would you like to hear my safer sex elevator speech?
Cathy: Yes, please.
Reid: Yes. Well so we have this. Some of you might find these lying around in some cool places of the world, but this is basically my safer sex elevator speech in a handy-dandy little door hanger and thank you Good Vibes, good vibrations for helping me print these out. So that’s a shout-out to Good Vibes. But basically the elevator speech goes like this. You’re going to share what your status is like when were you last tested, what were you tested for, and what were your stats. Then you’re going to share whatever your relationship agreements are, what your relationship status is and then throw in any information that you think is important for the other person to know. You know, I’m straight, I’m gay, I use male pronouns, like whatever things you need to like drop in so somebody actually gets to know you a little bit better. Then what you’re going to share is whatever your safer sex protocols are. So we need condoms for this, we need dental dams for that, we need gloves for this, I need you to bark like a dog whatever those things are.
Cathy: [Laughs]
Reid: Then you’re going to share and it sounds like a lot but actually once you get the hang of this it’s quite simple. Then you’re going to share any new news around sex stuff that you need to let somebody know. Like oh, last week, I had a condom mishap and it fell off and so I haven’t been tested since when I told you and so this is new information. So basically any risky sexual things that have happened, you want to update people on. Then you end with here’s something that I like sexually or sensually, here’s something that I don’t like.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Sexually or sensually and that could be stuff that you’re actually up for maybe playing with them or just things in general.
Cathy: And just so you know just because you have this talk doesn’t mean you’re ready to jump into bed. You can even specify this.
Reid: I actually get to know people by using the safer sex elevator speech first, but that’s me and basically if I can scare you immediately then it’s probably better. It’s the people that I can’t scare away that I should probably be hanging out with. Then at the very, very end of your elevator speech, you ask them and how about you, which is your way of inviting them to share back with you. You’ve already role modeled a way for them to kind of have the conversation if they don’t have a way of having it and then it gives you that next two to four minutes, you get to learn volumes about this person.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Cool.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Shall we try?
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Cathy, would you like to hear my safer sex elevator speech?
Cathy: I would.
Reid: Thanks. And I’ll talk to you guys. So I was tested a month and a half ago. I was tested for chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and HIV. I tested clear for all of that. I have herpes I so if you don’t want herpes, please do not sleep with me. I cannot guarantee you that I won’t give it to you. My relationship status is I am a big old slut. I sleep with a lot of people. Whatever you think a lot is, put another zero on it and maybe we’re getting there. But I’m in a primary relationship with my partner Alison. She knows that I’m a slut so I’m not cheating on her by having this conversation with you. My relationship agreements are I’m basically a free agent. As long as I’m playing safe, I can do whatever I want and the people that I’m lovers with, they’re okay with that. So what does playing safe mean? My safer sex needs are condoms for any kind of penetration. That includes if you’re penetrating me. If we need to use dental dams or condoms for oral sex, that’s totally cool, just let me know. We can negotiate that on a need by need basis. I also like using latex gloves or non-latex gloves for playing sometimes especially if I’m playing with lots of people in the same day because I feel like I just can’t wash under my fingernails just the right way. So if I use latex gloves on you, please don’t take that personally and I have some friends that are so into latex gloves. If you snap one, they’re like Pavlovian dogs, they just get horny. So latex can be good sometimes. There’s no sex mishaps or anything I need to update you on. Something I like, I love making out, love taking showers with people, and I actually love strap-on play as well. Something I don’t like, do not tickle me, do not smack me, all right. Pain is not erotic for me. I’m sorry if that is erotic for you and now you’re like no, I can’t hit Reid. But that’s just the way it is. So that’s a little bit about me, how about you. And that’s when you get to learn tons and tons and tons from people based on how and what they say.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Awesome. So that’s it.
Cathy: Yeah. Thanks for listening and it can make a really big difference in your relationship if you’re talking about this or potential relationships because you do get — it does help you evaluate. I’ve had lots of fun on third dates where we weren’t planning on sleeping together right away but we had this conversation and the conversations afterwards were a lot juicier.
Reid: And it’s a great way to open up and give people permission that it’s okay to talk about sex. Your safer sex elevator speech doesn’t have to be this dark heavy, oh my god, if I have a conversation about this, you’ll never sleep with me. You can make it as fun and as goofy, I tried to role model that, as possible. But of course like let it come out your way.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Don’t try to do your elevator speech the same way that I would, like be you.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Don’t be somebody fake.
Cathy: I’m much shier and I tend to blush but it’s still fun.
Reid: So thank you for role modeling for the people that it’s okay to talk about this.
Cathy: Yeah. Thank you guys.
Reid: Leave your comments, questions, let us know what you think and have you had your safer sex elevator speech today?
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