How can you talk to your partner about needing a vibrator to have an orgasm? And have more fun with and without one?
Find out with Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: A reader wrote in and said, “I can only have orgasms with a vibrator and I haven’t really talked to my husband about it. I’m wondering how I can enjoy pleasure with him more? Can I be more orgasmic?” This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. Ah yes, research and development night is going to be my biggest bit of advice which is creating that you guys geek out and make sex not necessarily performative in that it has to end with an orgasm [inaudible 00:36] that but is more about exploring. Exploring and adventuring with what kinds of pleasure can you exchange and how can you geek out with each other so that you can get to be better at creating pleasure for each other and receiving pleasure for yourself. Because we often talk about what can the other person do to create more pleasure but there’s also the simultaneous homework for the person receiving which is partially about like can you practice receiving more sensation, asking for what you need in the moment, and getting out of your head and into your body. You can be an amazing lover, great giver, but if you’re with somebody whose just lying there like this.
Cathy: It’s really hard.
Reid: It’s always a two way street with pleasure. Even when you’re playing solo it’s a two way street because it’s you with yourself.
Cathy: Yes. One of the things that helped me the most before I was really comfortable orgasming was taking orgasm off the table with my partner. A lot of our culture has been taught that’s it’s all this goal to reach orgasm. I would feel pressure from my partner and my partner would feel pressure thinking that I wanted to get right there and we’d just, I said, “Can we just have an evening where we’re going to play and neither of us have an orgasm?” It was like, really.
Reid: Why would we have sex if we’re not having orgasms?
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Oh. Well, there’s a lot of reasons why we might want to do that.
Cathy: It was actually really fun and both of us relaxed more. There wasn’t, like you said, the performance feel like we’ve got to get there and I’m not a stud if we don’t get there right away. It was really connecting.
There’s other ways too. Like learning to receive is hard sometimes but going to get a massage, or pedicure and learning that touch can be really gentle and loving if you haven’t done that, that can be really nourishing and kind of prime the pump so to speak for you to discover your own body and spend some time feeling what feels good so you can tell your partner.
Reid: There are lots of different organizations and workshops and things like that you can look at different Tantra, workshops and practice, breathing exercises.
Cathy: Cuddle parties.
Reid: Cuddle parties, which are not orgasmic but are a great gateway drug for you to start learning how to be more in your body. There’s a lot of yoga and certain things like any kind of somatic practice even dancing where you’re learning how to pay attention to your body and give yourself practice getting out of your head and into feeling more somatically and kinesthetically. There’s also things like ooming and other kinds of genital massage and practices that are more direct but still not necessarily sex sex in the way that we look at sex from a cultural perspective of penis into vagina or hands into orifices and things like that. Again, looking at pleasure from a place of sensation and not necessarily the goal of orgasm.
Cathy: The destination.
Reid: Yeah. That can help a lot. There’s also online workshops and things like that. There’s Sex10x one of my workshops.
Cathy: It’s a great workshop.
Reid: Online courses. Again, there’s all these tools that weren’t necessarily out there for certainly our great-grandparents and our grandparents and can you bring these tools and give yourself permission to geek out and invite other people, if you want, to go geek out with you and explore.
Cathy: Yeah, thanks very much for asking. If you’re watching this and you have thoughts about what would work for you or questions please leave them in the comments below.
Reid: Yep, or you can e-mail us. I’m Reid@ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy@theintamacydojo.com.
Reid: See you next video.