How do you know if you really like someone?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com
Reid: This just in, somebody who is awesome, thank you all of you for leaving comments. What do you do when you are not sure about how you feel about somebody and you keep going back and forwards around relationships? As in do you generally like them maybe even like them, like them, but you are not too sure if being in a relationship is such a great idea. Sometimes it seems like it could be a great idea to be together, other times it doesn’t due to your differences. Any advice? Now l sound like Seinfeld.
Cathy: You do.
Reid: I can’t believe if we are supposed to be together or not be together. This is when you are like, “Jerry!”
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli. The very, very patient Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: There is a lot of different things that could be going on there and I really appreciate you writing in and sharing that because it’s really common for people to be confused. Some things to look at is what are your patterns around relationships? Are you generally afraid of getting in relationships, are you afraid of intimacy…so you can look at your patterns…or do you often jump in. Compare what you are feeling with this person to what your patterns are. It might give you some insight. If you are having clearly … If you have some things that are concerns, writing them down can get them out of your head and help you say, “Wow! That’s really close to a bottom-line. I’m not sure if I want to get in that.” You can clarify what’s going on there. You might also ask yourself, “How do I have to define this relationship? Am I trying to make it too deep and that’s why I’m feeling hesitate? Is this someone I just want to sleep with once in a while? A friend with benefits versus a long-term intimate partner?”
Reid: I’m just going to cut to the chase. If there is somebody you can’t sit down with and watch this video with together, which is meta because you might be sitting watching this video together and I am saying sitting and watching this video together. If you can’t have a conversation about the topic of this video with each other I am going to say definitely don’t be in a relationship. Because if you are already kind of on the fence of if this I a good idea or not a good idea, I like to play by Cuddle Party rules CuddleParty.com. Where one of the rules is if you are maybe, say no. You probably … I don’t know maybe I’m a relationship expert I don’t know, maybe that says that on my website … want to be getting into relationships where you are like, “Oh, my goodness. This is a good idea. We are actually a good fit for a relationship.” Now you could be like, “I don’t know if we are a good fit because I haven’t had enough relationships or I have never met somebody like you.”
Cathy: I haven’t spent enough time with you.
Reid: The way we measure if you should proceed would be something like, watch this video together, meta, meta, meta, and have a conversation about this video. If they leave the table running and screaming that’s your answer no, not a good idea. Out of having conversations specifically about this situation you will have a lot more clarity but having a conversation that is kind of, “Mmm…” on the fence kind of a thing with somebody you can’t have this conversation is definitely a bad idea. Because what will end up happening is you end up creating some weird romantic comedy, which is great to go spend $11 on and go watch in a theater …
Cathy: If it ends.
Reid: … but not to actually have a romantic comedy in your life. What you want to have is a relationship with somebody who is like, “Yeah, I think we should do this.” It doesn’t mean you are going to be together forever but you are going to learn a lot about each other and you actually want to do the thing, the thing being the relationship.
Cathy: I recommend also, I recommend it often because it’s a really powerful concept check out Reid’s date your species articles and products. Because identifying what you want out of a relationship and then consciously looking to see if someone is a good fit in there on an intellectual level as well as just following your heart or your groin could be a really powerful way to identify relationships that are going to last a long time and give you a lot of satisfaction.
Reid: What do you think about the advice we just gave? Leave some comments. Leave some questions. Thank you for writing in who wrote in and thank you, all of you who will write in now.
Reid’s article on Dating your species: ReidAboutSex.com/Are-You-Dating-Your-Species/