Dealing With Jealousy When Your Partner Wants To Sleep With Your Friends…
Find out more with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “I’m just embarking into the world of non-monogamy with my current partner. We’re having sex with other people all together and it was great. She said she wanted to have sex with some of my friends and I got feelings of jealousy so I’ve been going through Reid’s eight-armed octopus PDF and getting the day of jealousy program, I want to be okay with those things. A bunch of those a bunch of what I read really resonated with me and we’ve been talking about it and becoming more open. I really want to know how to have sex with people who are already friends. The question…the person in question is a guy whom I sit….me and my female partner are already with friends with and we’re not sure how to initiate and how to keep the jealousy down.”
I am here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/.
Reid: That’s Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/ doing a great job reading at question. Good question!
Cathy: It’s a great question.
Reid: Keep the questions coming.
Cathy: Yes. Yeah, so how do you… if you have a friend and you want to like take it to a different level, how do you keep the jealousy in control and how do you initiate that?
Reid: Well the first question is, are they open to playing with you?
Cathy: We don’t know.
Reid: So, you know the first thing is how do you approach and initiate
Cathy: Would you like to…how would you initiate that?
Reid: I mean I would do Difficult Conversation Formula or I would show them this video and then look at them like this.
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: That would work. That might work, that might work.
Cathy: Like I see there’s two pair of eyes like uhh!
Reid: hmmm…hmmm. So like how do you broach the subject? The other thing that I think is so useful and…and crucial or helpful is can you and your partner in this instance, right? But can you handle them getting weird about it?
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: A lot of things that are interestingly difficult is when you broach a subject that somebody’s not expecting and then they get weird and then you get weird that they get weird.
Cathy: Yeah or you’re upset that they said no or…
Reid: It’s really helpful too for you to get clarity about what how you would handle an answer that you don’t want or you would handle the unknown.
Cathy: Or if they have pulled away for a while.
Reid: Yeah because like your ability to just remain present and calm, you can be disappointed but disappointment that removes you from being present and calm, that can be really tricky. So you know I’m a big proponent of like talk about the things that you that you want to create that’s built on a kind of emotional literacy where I can handle almost anything from about things getting weird or people getting upset because I…I have I have that handled on a good day. So then when somebody gets like, “Oh, I don’t know how to feel about this you want to sleep with me.” I’m like “It’s okay if you don’t want to like like really I’m not gonna not be your friend anymore.” And that is something that I think nobody talks about.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: and your ability to get that handled for yourself is…is a superpower. Then around people getting jealous and whatnot, thank you for ordering the eight oc…the eight armed octopus of jealousy.
Cathy: That’s great program.
Reid: People can go get that at https://reidaboutsex.com/jealousy there’s resources there but the idea of you…can you handle, do you have resources for your own jealousy or if you broach the subject or you and your partner or a lover or a friend or whatever broach the subject then you start sleeping with this person and then for you the shit hits the fan
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: and you’re just walking around with a fan and a bucket of shit and you’re just like
Cathy: Pour it off
Reid: “Here hold this fan!” Like I don’t think that that’s fair to the people around you, you don’t have to be perfect about this but can you really show up and be like “Oh, I’m the one that broached this subject. I’m the one who’s getting my jealousy all over everybody right now. I need to be a…you know I need to…to show up and do as best as I can in the situation.”
Cathy: Well I think yes, I agree and also if you’re part…if your friend doesn’t know that you have an open relationship, you have no idea if they that person likes threesomes or even finds them you know like in the realm of possibility for themselves rather than going up and surprising them that way you might want to talk about like as a friend, talk about the fact that you’re in an open relationship, give them time to adjust if it’s something that’s a surprise for them rather than piling a whole bunch of I….maybe you wouldn’t do that. I’m a shyer person I would have trouble just going up with someone who I didn’t know if they were they didn’t…I didn’t know if they knew that our relationship was open, I didn’t know if they liked threesomes to say “Hey would you like to have a threesome?” I think that that’s…that’s a lot to have someone process at once so I would probably like “Hey, just want to let you know like you know.”
Reid: What do you….what are your feelings on threesomes as watching this crazy video on YouTube?
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: No but really Bob, how do you feel about threesomes?
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: Bob, Bob! Are you listening?
Cathy: He might be frozen [Inaudible 00:05:36] and
Reid: But again, it’s it’s tricky
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: You will have to figure out your own version of this.
Cathy: And
Reid: And now the video is frozen.
Cathy: Again. Why is it doing this?
Reid: I don’t know. You can still hear us but Cathy’s video is frozen so we’ll end this now. Leave your comments.