What’s The Best Way To Come Out As A Sex Educator?
Find out more with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “How do I come out as a sex educator to my friends and families and maybe my coworkers?” I’m here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and http://www.sexgeeksummercamp.com/.
Reid: And I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.theintimacydojo.com/. I’m assuming you want to come out.
Cathy: Yes. They
Reid: Or assuming that it’s anyone business
Cathy: How can I? Yes
Reid: umm
Cathy: And this person also was like “Yay! So excited I could be at camp this year.”
Reid: Yeah. I…I mean the Difficult Conversation Formula I say this over and over again, but it works really well to help people. Figure out what they need to share and also to keep people that you’re sharing it with like in a better headspace than just blurting out and be like “I sell dildos! I teach hand jobs!” Or whatever that is. Your ability to get okay with yourself about the things that you’re into that will help if you have a lot of shame and like ins…like unhealthy insecurities. I’m a very insecure person, I’m just very secure about my insecurities like you can be insecure about you trying this new thing that you’re really passionate about, but then there’s like I’m coming out to you about being a sex educator and it’s actually not okay for me and then it makes other people feel weird and you know for like people in my life are like, “So how do you make a living at that?” Like then I have to justify that I can you know make a living.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: So there’s can be a lot of stuff all at once.
Cathy: I would encourage you to have a practice conversation with maybe another sex educator or friend just too kind of practice the words and then find someone who’s the safe person in your family. I have a sister that I can share things with and if I’m awkward or stumble a lot she’s not going to judge me. So you know maybe start with one person, you don’t have to really come out at the family dinner unless you want to. But you know maybe practicing with a couple safe people having them on your side, understanding the concerns they might have so you can address them easily when… when other people come in chime in and just having…knowing you have some allies in the family could probably make that easier.
Reid: Yeah. Other things that I did when I came out as non-monogamous to my family is I sent them an email that was basically the Difficult Conversation Formula in email form telling them that I will be calling them in a couple of days to talk about anything they want to talk about. And that was the way of getting you know letting the cat out of the bag that I couldn’t take back because once I hit send it was done.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And then I had to force to call people up and start the conversations that would eventually you know for my family worked out great and had us all be like, “Oh! Okay, so this is why Reid brought his girlfriend and boyfriend home for Thanksgiving.” Around careers and sexuality and sex education probably the wrong way to do it is air quotes “wrong” is don’t tell anybody and then just post a lot of pictures from Sex Geek Summer Camp with you holding a bunch of Njoy toys.
Cathy: Surprise!
Reid: You know you could do it that way
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And certainly people have figured out by finding like people from grade school and stuff have found me on Facebook and be like, “Oh my God! I never knew” and I’m like “Well, yeah you haven’t talked to me since fourth-grade dude like I’ve changed a lot.”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: But I’m in a place now where I feel good about my job, I love it, I build a career so people have a different opinion of me they’re not worried about me. And the people who are worried about me mostly I’m just like “So, what are you worried about? Like are you afraid?”
Cathy: That I’ll show up on your couch
Reid: “That the Governments gonna come in and take me and my dildos away to jail?” Like you know that sex toys aren’t illegal in most states now, they’re still illegal in some places it’s weird but like again use your sex educator superpowers to… to put yourself in your family or your friends or your coworker’s shoes and be like “Hey like so like yeah I got it. So I’m conventional” but like “What do you…are you worried about something? Like, what are your concerns? Can I help you?”
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: “With any of that?”
Cathy: Yeah. Knowing the concerns and having the way to articulate your responses is really powerful. I think you also have to balance like I try to consider when would I want to be told something that might be surprising to me. The middle of you know Thanksgiving dinner may not be there or trying to prepare things for the table at one o’clock because grandma’s diabetic and we have to eat then may not be the best time but also I also find that sometimes I’m waiting for the perfect time and I keep on delaying and delaying because it’s never perfect. So finding it balance between “Okay this is really… the toilet just overflowed, the Turkey is burning and…”
Reid: “Mom I sell dildos!”
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: And…and start with is it anybody’s invite, is it anybody’s business? That’s always useful and I just want to acknowledge people who are watching you don’t have to “come out of the closet” about being a sex educator if you don’t want to or if you’re afraid for your, you know your kids being taken away from you or something or whatever that is. I’m just gonna say that…
Cathy: Take care of yourself first.
Reid: And depending on what kind of Sex Education you do, you might be fine coming out.
Cathy: Yeah, good luck! I know it’s challenging and I think it’s a beautiful thing you’re doing so congratulations.
Reid: And we’ll see you at camp.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: http://www.sexgeeksummercamp.com/. Uh!