What If You Need To Change Agreements You Made With Your Partner?
Find out more with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: What if you’ve made an arrangement with your partner and suddenly you need to negotiate or blend or reconcile differences, how can you do that? I am here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: I am here with Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: Yes and so what if you’ve made an arrangement, you have…you agreed to something but then there’s a difference of opinion or you have to blend your…your what you both want. How do you recommend they handle that?
Reid: I’m not sure I understand the question fully but I mean whenever there’s a change, try to communicate that and the uber counter, the…the bigger conversation is, “Hey honey when we need to change something, how do we do that like what’s the win-win for both of us around changing things and agreements?” So most people only practice changing agreements when they when something usually when something’s going wrong or they figured out that something was…was not correct but you can have a bigger conversation about what works really well for both of you around needing to change things because what…sometimes you find out as some people were like “Oh well if it’s in this category, do whatever you want and you can tell me later.”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: And this this the example here is folks who are starting….the one I’ll use is when they start opening up their relationship or I’ll leave you one better, Netflix is a great example.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Allison …this is true.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Allison texted me yesterday saying “Hey, I watched a first episode of Punisher of The Punisher on Netflix to see if we should watch it.” Now here’s the deal, we have an agreement to not watch shows without
Cathy: Each other?
Reid: without each other especially Marvel shows.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Okay? Ones that we claim are ours. Now because we hadn’t claimed the Punisher was ours, she thinks she’s being sneaky, she thinks she’s being clever but really I’m a little pissed because I’m like “What the fuck?” Like and it’s not that big of a deal.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: So, I can I can be upset and I can be like “Urrhhh!” And then I can be like “Alright it’s not that big of a deal. Do you…should we watch it? Did you like the fucking pilot episode of the second season honey? Lover?”
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: And then I’m like “Okay well then I’ll watch it and then we’ll probably watch it together.” This is also kind of made okay because Iron Fist sucked, it was horrible I still I still loved watching it but it was so bad so you know it’s okay it’s okay, I’m fine, I’m over it now I feel better I feel better that I shared this with all of you. However, if this was a “Hey, we need to check in with each other and get permission before you do XY & Z.” This would this would be a problem, right? I would feel betrayed even and I’m just using Netflix as a silly example. A more serious example is, “Hey, I know we have an open relationship and we agreed to check in about sleeping with people and is that like people that are new people or if I run into my ex…”
Cathy: Is that okay?
Reid: “At a conference is it okay? Do I need to check in with you?”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: And
Cathy: Oh, by the way, I already did.
Reid: “If it’s late at night and the opportunity arises and…and you don’t pick up the phone does that automatically mean I can’t sleep with somebody that I’ve already slept with that you were okay with me sleeping with previously?” Like and this is the thing, it’s better to or more useful I think than trying to figure out every unique situation in advance what’s the uber protocol
Cathy: What’s the underlying intention of what you’re doing and I think a lot of that again, expectations versus agreements like “We have an agreement to do XYZ or I’m just expecting you to know never to watch Netflix without your partner” like if someone watches I’m like “You bastard” but we never spoke about it.
Reid: mm-hmm. I’m gonna eat you, Allison Moon. I’m gonna eat you right now.
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: Cheater. Infidelity
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: Netflix harlot. Is that what harlot means? I don’t know.
Cathy: I’ve got…we could look it up.
Reid: Yeah, we have to look it up.
Cathy: Or leave comments below about harlot.
Reid: A little scarlet N, you’ll have to wear a scarlet N!
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: What do you think?
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: And did you like Punisher or Iron Fist? Tell us, tell us, tell us. Thanks.