What do you do if you opened your relationship and you have some guilt?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Hallo ladies and gentlemen, I am a giant and this is Cathy Vartuli, the little lady that sits on my shoulder. Come on up Cathy, what are we talking about today? I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: We’re talking about something?
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: What questions?
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said that they’ve just opened up their relationship and things are going really well and they’ve had some connections with people and they’re just really liking it. He’s having a lot of guilt come up. In the past and previous relationship he cheated on his partner and he’s having one of those same feelings come up. He feels a little bit uncomfortable and ashamed and he’s not really sure what to do and he’s noticed that’s affecting his libido.
Reid: His partner knows that he’s in an open relationship.
Cathy: Yes, they’re open together they …
Reid: Because you could be feeling guilt and cheating because you’re cheating. But in this case no so good on you sir, mum or whatever you identify as.
Cathy: He was wondering … he’s worried because this is what he’s always wanted and he’s found a partner that likes to be open.
Reid: It’s too good to be true.
Cathy: He’s having stuff come up and his libido isn’t what it was and he’s feeling uncomfortable and having bad dreams. He’s wondering is it going to get better with time, is there anything he can do to make things easier in this transition because he’s being very upfront and he’s playing with integrity and he’s still having this side effects come up.
Reid: I have my jackass snarky answer and then I have my serious you’re an awesome human being answer. Which should I do first?
Cathy: I think you should do the awesome human being because I think it took a lot of courage…
Reid: We’ll end on jackassery?
Cathy: We always have jackassery.
Reid: Yes that’s my job here. This is like serious cop, bad cop. I mean bad cop not like I’m mean I’m just bad at police work. Thank you so much for writing in whoever you are and whomever’s watching who has had similar situations or that you’re dating or in a relationship who’s had similar situations coming up. My thoughtful nice person response is twofold. You might actually be having guilt and feelings from that other relationship, like where you were shamed coming up so they’re just there to be released. Whatever practice you have for feeling your feelings and letting them come up and sharing and processing in appropriate ways with your lovers so that they know what’s going on. In case you get a little bit weird about things that will help. Also, if you need more than just advice from two people on YouTube, you could hire a committed professionally trained listener sometimes known as a therapist to just get this stuff out while you’re feeling it.
The other side of this is that this might be what some of us call an upper limit problem. You’re actually in a situation where somebody actually loves you for who you are and that feels like its not possible. That I can speak to because I went through that. When I started finally dating people who were also into having non-monogamous relationships, I wasn’t midwifing somebody through their first relationship and trying to hope that they would like Polly as well. You might be having an upper limit problem or challenge where this is just too good to be true and so you’re emotionally working through all the cultural baggage that a lot of us have to work through when we open up relationships. In that instance, the book, it was what?
Cathy: The Big Leap.
Reid: The Big Leap by Gary Hendrix. Actually it’s a whole book devoted about can you stand things being great in your life and that might be really useful and helpful. What answers do you have?
Cathy: I think it can really help.. I really appreciate how honest and vulnerable you were when you shared with us, if you can share that with your partner that’s amazing. If you can share that also with the other people you’re in open relationships with, in a moment I find that really helps. It takes a lot of courage for me to say, “Well I’m having body image issues right now. My hamsters, as Reid calls it, get really loud.” If I can share it with people a lot of times it takes a lot of the power out and just having it verbally present there can help me process through a lot faster.
Reid: I have a second jackassery answers as well. You could just leave your web browser open to this video and just leave the room when your other lovers come in and then maybe they’re just curious about this video. They’re like , “play”, or maybe a post-it note, that they should watch this. My original jackass answer, which has some voracity in it and some usefulness, for me, when I had my upper limit things, and this is going to be my jackass solution to a lot of things. Have a threesome with your partner and your other lover if they’re into that, don’t force it so that your brain is actually experiencing two people that you love. Whomever you’re in love with or have feelings for and care about, your brain has to reconcile that you have both of them loving you at the same time.
As much I like to be a jackass and say, “Threesomes are the solution to everything,” that actually can be really powerful and doesn’t have to be sex. You can just go out on a date or hang out with both of them at the same time and them not yelling at you and shamming you or being angry with you, will be the brain fuck that your brain actually needs to start to rewire that this is actually possible. That you can walk down the street with two people that you’re dating at the same time and the sky doesn’t fall down. It wasn’t that jackassery at all?
Cathy: No, that was actually sweet.
Reid: See, I can be sweet. This is good.
Cathy: Only by accident though.
Reid: Only by accident. Unintentionally sweet.
Cathy: We hope that helps. Let us know, we’d love to know, most people have stuff come up when they start stepping in to a new level when you step out of your comfort zone, our butts get kicked sometimes. What do you do when your hamsters get really loud and you start doing something you may have always wanted to do?
Reid: Leave your comments below. Thank you so much and whoever wrote that in, thank you so much for writing it in, we really appreciate it.
Cathy: Bye.