How can you tell your partner you’re not in the mood. How can you do that gently? Find out..
with Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: How do you tell your partner in a way that’s loving and caring that you’re just not in the mood?
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: How do you do it? What’s your advice?
Cathy: One, I have to think, I like to get clear on what’s a yes for me, so it may not be sex but cuddling might be great or it might be that I can hold them while they masturbate so I have to get clear first. I’m a very touch, one of my love languages is touch, so I usually like to tell them that you know, honey, I know we planned for date night tonight, but I’m really not feeling it and I’m wondering if, could we watch a movie or I’d be glad to hold you while you masturbate if you want, that’d be pretty hot. What do you think?
Reid: I think all that sounds great. What movie?
Cathy: It’s important to let your partner know that you love them and it’s not about, or what is your, maybe you don’t love them but that you’re not, the hook up that was planned or was hoped for is not happening but it’s not because you hate them, unless you do and that’s a different conversation.
Reid: The big piece here is being able to build into all of your interactions, even if it’s just a friends with benefit or a long term relationship. Whatever relationship you’re in or relationship you hope to be in eventually, is to be able to build in that it’s okay to change your mind and to actually be in the moment with where you’re at and that just because you’re not in the mood for whatever, this example, the sex, what other kinds of things can you do to create connection and intimacy, because most people, while it is fun to have the sex, the underlying thing is that people want to be seen and heard and cherished and then there’s lots of different crayons for connection and intimacy in the crayon box.
Then when you can speak up for yourself and build into a relationship, oh like I need to change my mind, how else can we spend time together? Once you do that, then all the pressure for having to have sex goes away. Maybe not all of it all the time, but a lot of it does, so what ends up happening is, people who are less pressured to have sex sometimes have more sex. Then there’s just more choice and more freedom, which means there’s more expansiveness and usually joy and opportunity to play. Then I don’t feel like fucking, can I hold you while you masturbate? Then people still feel expressed, they have an erotic life and then sometimes, your miles may vary, while you’re holding your partner while they’re masturbating, you’re like…
Cathy: You get turned on.
Reid: Maybe I’ve changed my mind again.
Cathy: Are you open for me changing my mind?
Reid: Yes, exactly.
Cathy: I also think it’s harder when our tanks are low. Like if we’re more tired or we haven’t had sex or connected with that person in a long time, the stakes can be higher and it can be harder, so I think if you can or hold space for them to be disappointed, you can certainly have a boundary. It’s not that you’re a bad person for not wanting to, but you can, if you’re yes, you can hold space for them, would you want to like, I just told you I’m just not in the mood sweetie, can we just watch a movie tonight?
Reid: So I’m modeling I’m disappointed? That fucking sucks. You never want to have sex with me. What the fuck? I thought we were in a relationship.
Cathy: I know you’re upset.
Reid: We’ve been planning this date.
Cathy: Yeah, and I apologize and I’m just not there.
Reid: This is the fourth time in a row. You can tell I went to acting school. So what’s up?
Cathy: Maybe we should sit and talk. I’m willing to listen and know that you’re upset but I’m not going to have sex with you tonight.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: Are you up for talking? Do you want to take a walk first?
Reid: I think I just need some time to, I was really looking forward to this and I know, I try to be patient with your needs and you need to change things and this is tough.
Cathy: I appreciate you being willing to hear me and process this.
Reid: I don’t think I’m ready to process it yet.
Cathy: Okay.
Reid: I’m going to go out and see a movie and then you can enjoy your evening and I do appreciate you speaking up because I wouldn’t want you to be having sex that you don’t want to have and this is tough for me.
Cathy: Well, when you feel like it, we can talk about it.
Reid: Cool. Thanks.
Cathy: You’re a good actor. How could you jump that fast?
Reid: Thank you. Yes, yes. Perhaps you’ve seen my work in Salt and Pepper is None of Your Business. Which you can check out that video, I’m actually in that video.
Cathy: It’s very fun. The cowboy.
Reid: I’m the cowboy.
Cathy: Can we come back and do another video about role modeling the other side? I’m remembering that you asked to keep the videos shorter.
Reid: We’re trying to keep them shorter for your viewing pleasure.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: What are your comments? What’s going on? What are you thinking? Hit subscribe.