Reid: Touching with mindfulness and what was it?
Cathy: I don’t remember what I said.
Reid: It was good though.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: So touching mindfully is the topic for this video and Cathy Vartuli, why is it important to touch people mindfully?
Cathy: A lot of us when we’re first dating someone and touching them, we might get a really good response from a certain touch and we’re nervous and we’re not really certain. So our brain locks in on if I touch him like this, he moans or okay that’s the only way I touch him and we get locked into certain patterns.
Reid: Uh-hum.
Cathy: We start taking it for granted that this is — we go to bed, we do this, this and this and that’s what we do.
Reid: So you have a routine for how you touch people.
Cathy: There’s a routine and you’re not really aware of that other person.
Reid: You know, touch is not life, this is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: And we’re here to talk about touching with presence that was it.
Cathy: Presence, yes.
Reid: Yes. But mindfulness works too.
Cathy: Yes. So if you’re — we just did some videos on reigniting passion and this can reignite passion. If you have expectations about how you should touch or how you should be touched and how your body should respond, you’re not giving yourself room to be in a different mood or your partner to be in a different mood or you grow over time, people evolve. So something I really liked ten years ago I might not really enjoy now.
Reid: Uh-hum.
Cathy: So by being curious when you touch each other and trying different things and letting the person respond as they are, that gives a lot of room for play and really exciting response. It’s a lot more interesting too to be touched in a lot of different ways rather than the same way each time.
Reid: Yeah. And I think for me as a kind of a touch geek and I certainly get into my ruts as well but there’s a difference between that go to thing that your partner just loves–
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: – always like 99% of the time and then this idea of you and your partner have the experience of you exploring them anew.
Cathy: Uh-hum. It’s a really beautiful experience.
Reid: And the idea for me is it’s about listening and checking in and asking your partner, you know, not the question of is this okay because it’s okay, that doesn’t really give you any information.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: But the idea of do you like this, what would like more, would you like more pressure or less pressure, would you like me to go slower or faster, would you like me to use my fingers or my fingernails or my whole hand.
Cathy: I love when someone asks how does this make you feel because that tunes me in. So like it might be a sensation and a lot of different sensations can feel amazing especially if we’re tuned in.
Reid: Uh-hum.
Cathy: So if you say how does this make you feel they’re automatically tuning in a little deeper I think.
Reid: Yeah and a lot of people because of the culture that we live in right. Like I helped create cuddle party and we live in a culture that barely touches to begin with. Kids aren’t allowed to hug each other in some school systems now. Teachers and parents certainly, you know, some of them are not touching kids intentionally because they don’t want to get into trouble.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: So we live in a very low touch society, which isn’t good especially for the huggy-touchy people. But touch is an actual human need and there’s a medical term called skin hunger of what happens to us psychologically when we’re touched deprived. That’s why solitary confinement in —
Cathy: It’s so cruel.
Reid: –prison systems is so cruel. Because we’re basically monkeys that wear shoes as Tim Minchin says. So this idea of discovering, not only becoming more touch positive but creating for you and your partner this idea of touch is a way of being present and exploring each other. Like touch is an adventure.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Welcome to touch land, adventure land. Like making it fun and knowing that in the beginning you guys might be a little bit clumsy, might be a little clunky. You might be like you try this thing and your partner says no, that was horrible, let’s never do that again.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Reframe that as you just figured out like the opposite of a go to. It’s like it’s the get away from. Let’s never do that again.
Cathy: Yeah. That was like the time you did that, don’t ever do that.
Reid: Yeah. This was a great example of a horrible thing to do to me so just let’s leave the fork out of it ever, no more.
Cathy: So that really can help reignite passion when you make it an adventure that you’re going on together and you’re communicating back and forth.
Reid: And the symbolism underneath it all around touch especially for the people who touch is a love language of theirs where they need it to feel cared for or that’s how they show they’re caring. But for those of us who need it and even I would hazard a guess for those of you who don’t, if you’re touching people in ways that they want to be touched, the underlying meaning and the symbolism is you’re a good person.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Like I want to touch you. There’s something affirming in that.
Cathy: Yeah. You don’t generally want to walk up to someone who’s horrible and hug them.
Reid: Yeah, that’s just weird, don’t do that. Ask permission first, get a verbal yes, cuddle party rules.
Cathy: But yes, so touching someone affirms that you care about them and there’s a closeness so.
Reid: And for those of us who are again like the sex geeks and the touch geeks in the room, sustain welcomed contact. I’m not sure exactly what the numbers are but let’s say like you know, welcome touch for more than five minutes like sustained hugs, cuddling, a welcomed shoulder rub or maybe even just a little scritching if your partner loves scritching. Those things after a few minutes your body naturally starts releasing oxytocin, which lowers your blood pressure, creates, engenders feeling of intimacy and bonding. Like this is all good stuff.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: So the more mindful that you can do this, the more all that good stuff gets to ripple through your relationships.
Cathy: Yeah. We’d love to hear how it works for you, please leave comments below.
Reid: And subscribe to this channel if you want more like this. Touch me.