When your expectations aren’t met you may be hit with disappointment. What can you do to deal with that?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Video number two on expectations.
Cathy: Dealing with disappointment, because they go often hand in hand.
Reid: Yes, I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. Go, Cathy, go.
Cathy: We just did a video on how disappointment can be a sign that you have expectation that wasn’t met.
Reid: We hope that that video was not disappointing.
Cathy: Sometimes, you can be disappointed when there was agreement that was broken, that’s a different issue. An agreement is a verbal or written statement. I would like this and you’re going to do this. There’s an agreement that something’s going to happen. Most of us were brought up with expectations as well, just different families have different things. On Christmas eve, we always open a present. How could you not bring a present for me to open? But different families have different expectations, different cultures have different expectations.
Reid: Expectations, basically, when they’re getting met, you don’t notice that you have them.
Cathy: Yeah, everything is going along smooth and what happens in lot of families or a lot of groups or communities is they have a flow of expectations. If someone doesn’t meet that, people don’t go and talk to the person who’s not meeting the expectations, they kind of bitch to each other. “She didn’t do the dishes after last night. What a bitch.”
Reid: “I can’t believe you’ve ever invited her to dinner in the first place.”
Cathy: I must never …
Reid: “I hate her. I hate her. She’s dead to me.”
Cathy: It’s a trivial example but that’s the example of what can happen in a community. It can rip a community apart because people will take sides and feel bad about each other, there’s a lot of drama rather than, “Hey, Suzy. I made this beautiful dinner and you didn’t even offer to help clean up and that really hurt my feelings.” Suzy might be like, “Well, I thought it was a gift to me and I felt like you’d be insulted if I offered to help.” Or, “I cut my finger. I can’t put my hand in water right now,” whatever it is. Or just, “The meal wasn’t that good. I didn’t want to clean up.” Having that clear can be really helpful. However, there are times when you go and talk to, “Hey, Reid. I wish you’ve done the dishes.”
Reid: Suck it.
Cathy: Exactly. Sometimes, God. If you’re still with us …
Reid: Yes, they are. Then what?
Cathy: Well, obviously …
Reid: I take that expectation to the grave, Vartuli. Then what happens?
Cathy: There’s times when you’re never going to get that from that person and there might be times when you’re never going to get that in general because there are times we just don’t get what we want to have. How do you handle that? It’s really hard. It can hurt. There can be a lot of grief, especially if it’s something that’s very core, your identity or what you’d hope to achieve if you’re a good person in your life. If someone wants something and they don’t get it, how do they handle it? It can be challenging. What I encourage you to do is, one, see if you can figure out what the need is underneath of it. Someone washing dishes if we’re using that trivial example again, but it might mean support, collaboration, appreciation, some kind of active service that’s coming back to you. There might be a different way to get the experience you want to get even though it’s not …
Reid: It’s not about the dishes.
Cathy: Right. Digging a little bit deeper can be helpful. It might be that you just really need that person to do the dishes and they’re not willing to. That’s when we’re really going to … it’s just basic grieving and anger and just feeling the feelings and find a person to listen if that’s okay. There’s some skills you can learn on dealing with grieve.
Reid: I would recommend reading the Five Languages of Apology to figure out what your needs are. This would be helpful for when your expectations do not get met and you’re pissed at somebody. They may not be interested in apologizing at all but you understanding what your language of apology is for forgiveness will also give you a clue to what the needs might be underneath. For me, I’m a restitution kind of person. If you didn’t do the dishes …
Cathy: You better show up and do the dishes.
Reid: You better do the dishes. If I do the dishes, then the dishes get done and you did not do the dishes and I can never forgive you for that.
Cathy: Could they come to a different meal and not eat and do the dishes?
Reid: No, they’re dead to me. Dead.
Cathy: That’s good to know.
Reid: That’s also why I eat out of bowls and not dishes. But joke being aside, the situation is you knowing yourself will help you understand, “Oh, that need that I have to forgive somebody when my expectations don’t get met.” That will just give you some clues on how you can get resources and ask for support. The other situation is how do you deal with it. As you were saying, your own grief and you’re upsetness, when you don’t get your way or your needs and if you’re not speaking up about them, that’s almost always going to be the first thing you need to do because keeping them inside doesn’t really empower you at all and then no one can support you.
Cathy: Dealing with a grief, it can be really intense. One of the best techniques I know of is to realize that a lot of times the most intense grief comes from an unmet childhood need because it’s really painful when we’re children and we don’t have other options. We want that from our parents because we don’t have options with other people.
Reid: You can make your mom and dad do the dishes and then all of a sudden, everything is fine. Is that what you meant?
Cathy: No.
Reid: Oh, sorry. Please continue.
Cathy: I think we should start another video dealing with grief specifically. That’s a great topic.
Reid: Okay, that’s great. How do you want to wrap this up?
Cathy: I think I would love to hear comments from you on how you dealt with disappointment and how do you find communication about it?
Reid: Some of you are going to be like, “Why does disappointment have to be like this huge grieving thing?” It’s probably not a big deal for you or you haven’t … that particular issue is in a sore spot or linked to some of your childhood stuff. Video number three coming up.