When is someone else’s attraction and desire nice… and when is it unpleasant, and what can you do?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Hi, I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: I’m Reid from Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: We’re talking about arousal, attraction, and when it’s nice and when it’s not. It’s really great to be desired when it’s someone that you desire back or just feel safe with. It’s really nice. If someone’s like, “Oh, you’re so…” If you feel safe with them, that’s great.
Reid: Or if you’re in the mood for it, it feels great.
Cathy: If it’s someone you don’t feel safe with, it can be kind of scary or very uncomfortable.
Reid: When you’re not in the mood for it. Everybody wants attention until they don’t want attention.
Cathy: How do you handle that?
Reid: Handle the attention or trying to tell people or give people attention?
Cathy: I think there’s a couple, as a straight male, women have faced a lot of attention often that’s not wanted or is not delivered in a way that’s easy to hear. How have you handled that? I notice women feel really safe with you.
Reid: Yeah, the thing to understand, and this goes for straight and gay people and people in between and whatnot, is what I basically just said. Everybody loves attention when they’re in the mood for attention or when they’re getting the attention from somebody that they like getting attention from. If you just make that assumption, that people aren’t necessarily going to enjoy your attention, or that it’s not their job to receive your attention …
Cathy: Cat calls and things like that.
Reid: Let’s just put the mandatorium on that one. No more cat calling. Just don’t. I don’t care what culture you’re from, it’s not cool anymore.
Cathy: It doesn’t make people feel safe or appreciated.
Reid: If you think it’s cool, then email me and I’ll tell you why it’s not but I’ll go into great detail why it’s not cool. Ask somebody if they want to be cat called. At least be like, “Yo, baby, baby, may I cat call you?” That would at least be a step in the right direction but stepping in front of somebody and getting in their way to get their attention or cat calling them really means, for the most part, you want attention. Go get your attention needs met in a better way.
The way that I do it is if I want to compliment somebody, I do 2 things. One, I’ll ask: May I compliment you? Yes or no. If there’s any hesitation, I say, “Okay thank you, a hesitation means no to me.” I just go on my merry way. The other thing is, I try not to compliment people with “I” statements. I really like your dress. Because she may not give a flying hoot who the fuck I am.
What I will usually say is, “Wow, great dress,” or “Those shoes look great on you.” I would compliment the thing I’m complimenting. I won’t make it about me. I also try to compliment people with their permission. May I compliment you? Understand why this is so powerful. No one is doing it. Everyone is just throwing compliments on people and they’re supposed to receive them.
Asking permission and getting a verbal yes before you do something, even complimenting somebody, may seem like this extra step that makes no sense. Trust me, it changes a lot of things. It’s super subtle and super powerful.
Cathy: What do you recommend women do when they receive attention that’s not very comfortable?
Reid: A lot of it is going to depend on your own style and your mood and how you’re doing that day. Everyone is different so this isn’t like advice for everybody in every situation. We had a video that we did on appreciation sandwich. So you should be like, “Thank you so much, I’m not receiving compliments today so please, no more compliments.” Then, appreciate them and be like, “Thanks for speaking up.” Just go about it that way.
Cathy: Thank you for the intention.
Reid: Yeah, thank you for the intention. I appreciate the intention. “I appreciate the intention I’m not in a mood today for receiving compliments and have a great day.” Just keep it like that. If somebody gets pushy, depending on your style, because it’s not always easy, “Now I feel like you’re getting pushy.” Works a lot better when you’ve done the appreciation sandwich. “Now I feel like you’re being pushy, please don’t do that, and leave me alone. Have a great day.”
Cathy: I found saying that’s unacceptable if they’re getting really pushy, it kind of stops people because there’s not really a response to that. It’s like, “What?” That works really well with when people that are putting attention on me or a sales person or if someone like a pest person says they can’t come and they agreed to come, it makes them reconsider. It’s a really useful phrase.
Reid: Awesome. This is a tricky one because there’s a lot of different ways these conversations can go and people can be assholes sometimes. Again, they’re like, “I’m just trying to pay you a compliment, why you being such a bitch?” And you’re like …
Cathy: Tell them to come and watch these videos.
Reid: Yeah. Have them subscribe to our channel. If you haven’t subscribed, please subscribe.
Cathy: Thank you.
Reid: Bye.