When Do Friends With Benefits Become A Mistake? | Facebook Walk With Reid
Reid: Hello Facebook. It is Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com and I am at the amazing soon-to-be sunset opened Airport. I am traveling today to San Diego and tomorrow I head out to intimacy fest creation of Dave Booda and Paola and this is the third year I want to say and I’m excited about that that starts tomorrow night and I’m gonna be out there for a couple days but I’m pretty sure we’ve got Wi-Fi and cell phone signal in the deserts. There’s also this beautiful cool Oasis so I will be trying to do the Facebook live from the pool. I might lose my phone and destroy it but it’ll be fun and I want, I can’t wait to show you the pool it’s so amazing. So first let me know, can you hear me? If you get hit some emoticons or leave a comment and let me know that you can hear me. I can’t tell if I’m using this microphone or the microphone on the pho, phone.
And I want to talk today about friends with benefits and when friends of benefits might be a mistake. And the reason I want to talk about this is I would I did a podcast for a podcast yesterday with Amy and Kim. And gosh darn it I’m forgetting Podcast name now I should know this. But we recorded it and we ended up talking about casual sex and you know like healthy relationships and the problems you know what happens when people take their casual sex too casually and, and how you know shame and not having a lot of practice with taking casual things seriously. How that can lead to a lot of drama and upset and where people you know people either get emotionally entangled because they just don’t know how they fall in love well or what they’re imprinting or triggering mechanisms are for emotional attachment. And, and then also like how shame and feeling, feeling like we’re not supposed to be talking about sex or emotional attachment openly because to talk about it means that would be clingy or were you know high-maintenance because we have to process. How you basically people are trying to navigate these complex social situations and remain cas, casual by not talking about it at all. And we got this really great discussion and kind of went all over the place with a lot of different you know sharing ideas and information and getting really geeky about how do you have healthy casual relationships? And one of the things that we talked about a little bit but, but didn’t talk about at that which I will kinda geek out with you today on is, is the ideas like you know when is trying to have friends with benefits relationship a bad idea. Like when is it actually a mistake?
And [Inaudible 00:03:58-59] do their thing, announcement, airplane announcement. Greg, Greg you gotta find your party here Greg. They’re looking for you at the airport my friend. Gate 26 my friend.
So you know the ideas of like how do you know when a friends of benefit relationship is a bad idea. Like what are the signs? And you know, how do you [Inaudible 00:03:34] like how do you know when it’s a good idea? Like how do you know when it’s healthy and thriving. And one of the things I’m gonna say is a good indicator is if there is “ease” you know put air quotes around it. I’m gonna say ease around the relationship and if you’re actually like you know saying that you’re having a relationship because it’s still you know it’s friends with benefits and it doesn’t mean you’re you know buying houses together and sharing 401k that you actually acknowledge that you’re having some sort of connection, I’m gonna sit here on, on a rug, if you recognize that you’re having some sort of connection some sort of relationship even if it’s casual, can you talk about it? And is there a lot of drama and upset and then that’s your indication that something’s off doesn’t mean that relationships gonna work from time to time. It’s kind of like when you’re driving a car up a hill it’s really normal for the engine to work harder. That extra effort is supposed to happen it’s just kind of normal versus driving a car around town parking brake on and there’s all this extra effort that doesn’t need to be there. But if you grew up in relationship situations or adults modeling relationships where there was a lot of struggle, where there’s a lot of friction, where the emotional parking brake was on. And the problem is it’s really hard to tell when it’s effort, you know from driving up a hill, you know somebody’s sick or you know somebody just lost their job or you start a relationship with somebody who’s grieving a previous relationship or you know whatever is going on. You know there’s that extra effort because there’s just more work in the relationship because people are going through stuff versus that friction and effort that, that’s coming from something you know really being wrong. And if you grew up in a family or around relationships where the parking [Inaudible 00:06:47] are always on, it’s really hard to tell because we just think relationships and love are about struggle and because people don’t talk about and aren’t mindful and intentional about the kind of casual relationships they want, a lot of people are trying to have these casual relationships and they’re just kind of off in there a little bit out of alignment and they’re kind of funky and, and like the casual sex or casual relationship version of the parking brake is on. Because people might really asked themselves like, well what is a healthy friends-with-benefits relationship look like? Like what does healthy, happy, casual sex look like for me? So some of your homework or maybe even right now in the comment section is for you to answer that question. Like what would a healthy, casual relationship feel like? And again like when I talk about casual not necessarily I’m not I’m not willing out but I’m not you know saying its anonymous sex. Is it a friend you know we’re kind of friends with benefits comes from like is It, is it somebody that you know that you maybe you’ve known them for a long time. And when you get together maybe you have sensuality maybe you don’t and keep it casual and there’s somebody that orbits in your, you know solar system or social system but isn’t necessarily somebody that you are having a primary relationship with or dating and you know sometimes you’re not on a place to be starting a relationship and but you still have sensual and physical needs and emotional needs that you want to get met around connection and sensuality or eroticism.
And again, I don’t think that means you’re broken. I think that, that is awesome if you know where you’re at and what your needs are and ask yourself the question like well what would me getting those needs met in a really healthy harmonious way to look like. And to really give yourself permission to answer that question and brainstorm a list and to even be greedy in what you’re looking for because greedy for me in designing relationships really means specificity and you’re asking for the things that you think are wrong or you think you don’t deserve but secretly they’re the things that you want, they’re the things in your wildest dreams you wish you could have but I would never ask for that because no one would love me for that or there could possibly be somebody on the planet who would, who could love your polyamorous slut that flies around the country two weeks out of every month and teaches sex education you know. And because I got clear about what I, what I was looking for and got clear about what is, is normal healthy effort in relationships versus extraneous detrimental friction and effort you know I was able and then because I had words to figure out what I wanted to ask for when I met Allison I was able to have you know several really clear, concise conversations with her about what I was looking for. And because I had words for it had clarity even though I was you know asking for something a little out of the box Allison could see that I had put thought into it and had words for it and because I had words for it and we could talk and have a discourse about what I was looking for, Allison was able to wrap her mind around what I was looking for and the be like, hmm, I think that’s a pretty good fit for me. Of course, we became primaries but those are the same principles that I use when looking for friends or community that I am sensual or sexual or just intimate and physically. And whether it’s non-sexual affection as well right because you apply friends-with-benefits to just having cuddle buddies and people that you don’t have sex with but movie buddies that you can sit on a couch and, and all be you know in your onesies and hanging out and just kind of you know, cuddly with.
For a lot of adults don’t give themselves permission to have those kinds of friends and so we kind of go through that phase of being a teenager or a youth group or camp counselor kind of situation where your, you have your friends that you, you know hang all over and just kind of cuddle with and you know play board games with, but the minute you become an adult instead you play the board games, God forbid if you’re cuddling all the time together. So ask her these questions, asked yourself like what would a friend with benefit situation look like.
And then the mistakes, how you know when it’s a mistake is when what you want makes the other person really unhappy, when what you want makes the other person really unhappy. That’s how you know it’s a mistake and when what somebody else wants makes you really unhappy that’s how you know it’s a mistake. It sounds so simple and it is but we frame love as sacrifice rather than support. We measure the success of relationships by duration and we try to get our intimacy needs met sometimes from people that are a bad fit and you know I just want to say thank you to my friends and loved ones and community members who got really clear that I was a bad fit for them for certain things and then we transitioned our relationships or adjusted or recalibrated. It was still painful for me because I, even I get attached and really liked people but it’s better to like people from afar and deal with grief and try to stay together and make each other really really really angry and passive-aggressive and that’s my mileage on.
So if you are looking for ways to also you know have cleaner like less drama-filled casual sex then please check out the casual sex protocols and those are at https://reidaboutsex.com/protocols and if you go to https://reidaboutsex.com/protocols then you can sign up for an access link to basically get a little free video that will walk you through the checklist that you can download and print out and hang on the fridge, or by the bed or leaving the bathroom so you read it over and over and over again. And the casual sex protocols they’re just ideas and kind of guidelines for how to have casual encounters, to have you know, even deep ecstatic ironic experiences and not necessarily become emotionally entangled with people. So I’ma leave it there.
What do you think are some of the things you need, so that you would have if you were looking to have a friends-with-benefits situation we’re just dating somebody you know and keep it casual while you’re dating you know or I mean, you can even be monogamous and keep it casual like have a relationship where you’re only seeing one person but you’re not you know, building a life together or on some sort of trajectory towards marriage or anything like that. So I would even argue that in casual sex it doesn’t even have to be an open relationship based dynamics but please in the comments I’ll take a look a little bit. Share what do you think are the things that you would need to make a friends-with-benefits situation not on the stage to make it glorious and exciting and easy for you. And if you, if you don’t feel the call to leave them in the comments but you want to get them to me anyway then you can email me at Reid https://reidaboutsex.com or you can leave me a Facebook message through the messenger.
Alright, I’m gonna go got a couple of phone calls to do before my, my flight starts boarding and I just want to say thanks to everybody for giving me an opportunity to have these videos with you all. I super appreciate you all and please share this video right now with a friend that you think is having too much drama in their casual relationships or their friends with benefits. Discuss this video with your friends so that we can all even if you’re in a committed relationship maybe there’s videos for a friend of yours who’s having a lot of drama and a lot of upset. Thanks for all the emoticons everybody. Mwah. I’ll leave you. And this is Oakland Airport right now as the Sun is setting and I’ll see you all later. Bye.