Ever have problems talking to your partner about the “difficult things”? Things blow up on you??
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: What happens if you are following the difficult conversation formula and things blew up anyway?
Reid: Did you do it wrong? No! We will tell you why. I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: We had a writer write in thanking us for the difficult formula conversation which you can download.
Cathy: Difficult conversation formula.
Reid: Yes, I’m dyslexic sometimes. You can download at ReidAboutSex.com/Difficult, or ReidAboutSex.com/Convo.
Cathy: The link is below.
Reid: Link is below. Basically she wrote in, she used the conversation, set it up nicely, and then her worst fears came true because …
Cathy: The very fears she shared …
Reid: Came true.
Cathy: In the beginning of the conversation. When you share using the difficult conversation formula, that doesn’t mean that the other person isn’t going to have strong reactions. It just means that they have a context and it’s less likely that things are going to blow up in your face, but they still can.
Reid: And the blowing up in your face, I haven’t responded to this email in a couple of days so we’ll find out as I talk to this person whether their partner eventually calmed down or not. What I am almost certain of in 99% of situations is you not speaking up …
Cathy: Would make things worse in the long run.
Reid: Will eventually bite you in the ass way harder than somebody freaking out. I have a 72 hour rule that I counsel people on in relationships. Whenever you have a big blow-up fight or something, don’t make any relationship decisions or choices for at least 72 hours, because we think all the worst thing and when we’re triggered we’re like “Oh my god, I have to leave!”
Understand that three days later …
Cathy: It may not matter.
Reid: May not matter. How many times have you had this blowout fight and then three days later “Oh my God, that was like so … Wow, we had that fight and I’m sorry about that.”
Cathy: We do have a video on exit strategies, and the 72 hour rule is part of that exit strategy video, so if you want to watch that.
Reid: Difficult conversation formula is really there for you to be able to initiate difficult conversations and it should help surprise people less because you’re creating context rather than just blurting things out.
Cathy: But it doesn’t prevent them from having a reaction, so if I was having that difficult conversation with Reid and I said “I’m really afraid that if I share this you’re going to storm out of the house and be really angry. What I’d like to have happen is that you know I’m always going to be honest with you, and that we have a better resolution,” and that I share that pain with him.
He’s still allowed to storm out of the house. It doesn’t preclude him having a reaction, but it does give him some warning.
Reid: Nothing’s wrong. That you spoke up is the important part. This person was sharing that what they were afraid was going to happen was that the person would eventually shut down.
Cathy: Go away.
Reid: Yeah. Right now they’re just in the shut down phase, which may or may not shift. If somebody shuts down because you have a difficult conversation with them.
Cathy: They may not be a good fit.
Reid: Excuse me. Yeah, do you want to spend the next ten, twenty years with that person? Somebody for whom, or with whom, you cannot have those conversations? I hope this is helpful. Thank you so much. If you’re watching, oh ye who wrote in, we think you’re amazing. Thank you so much for sharing-
Cathy: You have great courage.
Reid: And for using the formula. Post below if you used the formula yet. What do you think about it? What results did you get? Let us know your thoughts.
Cathy: Bye.
The Difficult Conversation Formula can be found here:
ReidAboutSex.com/convo