On Oct 10, 2009, in Central Park, New York City, I was given 3-minutes to talk to a gathering of polyamorous peeps on relationship skill sets that would make multiple relationships work better… Let me know how you think I did!
Reid: Hello everyone! Hello everyone! Glad you did Cuddle Party for Deli but you don’t say hi to me [inaudible 00:01:12]. There you go.
Alright, so, I want to thank everybody for coming out. I’m really excited that the sun shining now. Justin, when he invited me to come and speak again this year and asked me to talked about whatever I wanted and I’m like, “Justin, what do you really want me to talk about?” and it was Justin’s suggestion to talk about, really quickly, relationship skill sets inside of multiple relationships — triads, quads and those kind of what we toss around on the phone call. So, really, really quickly, because I only have a couple of minutes. I’ll give you some quick thoughts I have around multiple relationships and how to make them more sustainable. The big one in all relationships because I do a lot of coaching with monogamous couples and single people as well as poly and people in other alternative relationship styles.
The big thing is to advise you and the people that you get into relationships with to actually practice saying what it is that you are not saying in relationships which sounds kind of simple and at the same time for me, personally, in the relationships that I’m in, can sometimes be this very, almost like, you know, if you want to go out spiritual in woo-woo with it and it’s like of spiritual practice that you notice when it is that you’re afraid to say something to your partner or partners and actually sitting down and like, “Hey, there’s something here that I’m afraid to tell you and I’d like to tell you.” And to have that, be something that you installed in all of your relationships. And this is really important when you’re having multiple relationships because there’s like 3 times or 2 times or 4 times as many people to not tell something to which quickly segues into my next tip for multiple relationships and make them sustainable which is no matter, to the extent that you can, because you have long distance relationship and can’t get everybody in the same room, I really recommend that you at least, a couple of times a year get all your partners in the same room even if they absolutely hate being in the same room with each other. Mostly because I think it’s really healthy to actually have your other partners being able to interface with each other as like they’re actually human being, you’re alive flesh and blood sitting across the table from me even though I don’t want to be here and it will lot easier in the long run than if you’re having all these long distance relationships with these amorphous partners, you know, that you talk about but I’ve never really met them and now my mind all of the sudden is making these persons to be a lot more scary than I think. I really do advise that you try get everybody in the same room when you can because I just think over all, especially this mic keeps dropping.
Especially over the years we’re going to be in long distance relationships or long term relationships with people, get to know each other a little bit. You don’t have to go out for dinner all the time but you’re actually dealing with people so that when you’re having a problem with Mary or with Bill, your partner will be like, “Yeah, okay” and I know who that person is. I think that can go a long way to making your relationship more sustainable. In today’s technological age, maybe you can’t go into the same room but you can get them on Skype. Whatever you need to do to actually get people to be interacting with each other, I think in a long run is going to pay off in a big way.
I look at my notes, the other thing is, my really big is, if you have never bought the book, The 5 Love Languages, you can go buy it and read it or give it to your partner and then read it or go check it out in the library. It’s a really interesting book, very simple and it talks about how men and women and whatever gender you aspired to or identify with, that we all feel loved or show that we care about people in 5 different categories and understanding what the love languages are of your other partners so that you can more make them feel cared for and seen, I think makes relationships in general run a heck of a lot better. So, go buy that book. I don’t make any money for making that recommendation but it’s been really, really helpful for me certainly and the relationships I’m having these days. That’s about 3 minutes, rights? That’s good? Do I have more time, Justin? More? Another tip?
I look at my hands. Love languages, we said to have group meetings.. oh, this is the other one. Have a conversation with your partners. For those of you who have monogamous friends, this is important, too. Figure out what it is about trust for yourself and how to rebuild it when it gets broken. Like, actually write in a journal or a piece of paper — this is what trust is to me and if trust is broken, this is what somebody could do to rebuild trust for me. If you’re going to be in a multiple relationships, if you’re going to be in relationships that last more than a few more hours, then I really recommend that you understand what trust is for you and how to rebuild it and teach your partners how to do that. If you’re going to be in sustainable relationships and at some point along the line somebody’s going to screw up and break your trust, and you guys can get back on track a lot faster if and when you know how trust works for you and you can teach your partners how to do that. Thank you!