How To Be Authentic and Not Disappointing Someone At The Same Time?
Cathy: How do you handle it if you’re a kind person and you don’t want to have other people be disappointed but you want to be authentic too? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from the http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Airlines lost my luggage and all I have with me is my tux so you getting a tux treatment today.
Cathy: And we don’t want to disappoint you by not shooting videos.
Reid: That’s right and you know what you can class it up a little bit.
Cathy: I tend to be a very kind person I was raised that you should never hurt anybody’s feelings even when you don’t know what those feelings were. So I was spent most of my young adulthood like trying to tip toe run guessing what other people wanted.
Reid: All because your parents couldn’t handle disappointment.
Cathy: Some people are very like kindness is a high value for them land I do I try like if there are two ways to do something one is kind or one is I want to tend to a kinder way something that is important to me. Coz I think the world is pretty hard for a lot of people and if I could add a little gentleness and caring then I want to do that.
Reid: But that’s you can still be gentle and caring and let people have their disappointment.
Cathy: Right. There are two different things but I was not taught that until I was in my forty’s like I was late bloomer I guess with that but I thought…
Reid: Well there’s a lot of like us that. Most of us are trying to undo bad role modeling and advice we got when we were kids or got from culture anyway.
Cathy: And my parents were doing the best they know how on this but it was disappointing people I would go out in dates coz I didn’t want to say no and spend the whole evening trying to fend someone off or leaning over park bench rather than using the words no when they’re trying to grope me and I’m like that wasn’t kind either but in my mind it was kinder to not say no coz I couldn’t handle their disappointment.
Reid: Or you thought that they couldn’t handle their disappointment?
Cathy: I think maybe it’s a combination of both to me it’s like some Morpheus thing like bad don’t go there everything will melt. The world will end as we know it.
Reid: The frame I would invite you all to consider is whenever you don’t take care of yourself and believe me I’ve got like more than 6 fingers pointing back at me coz I do this too. Whenever you don’t take care of yourself or you go out of your way like way out of your way to not hurt somebody’s feeling that’s actually not kindness that’s you disempowering them, you think they can’t handle the truth because they’re not an adult. And just imagine if people were going out of their way for you and making things weird because really what was going is they don’t think they’re grown up enough to handle life it’s weird and it’s very subtle of a reframe but it’s oh wow if I really care about this person or just believe in this person as a human being, why am I disempowering them? So the idea is inviting people to step up and just be human and when you do that from a place of kindness and gentleness like there’s a lot of power there for everyone.
Cathy: Gentleness I think is key coz there are..
Reid: You grew up in New York states, I grew up in Manhattan gentleness to me from a New Yorker’s perspective is just different.
Cathy: I wrote the book Radical Honesty and I get a lot from it but for me there’s a people you use radical honestly like you have a blue eyes and you have a beard and you’re an asshole and I don’t like you and that’s just like pulling everything out.
Reid: And Brad Blunt if you’re watching this we love you but you do go a little extreme I’m just going to tell you.
Cathy: But just telling someone hey like you’re a wonderful person and to link you back to the video we just did. I’ll be interested in casual sex with you but I don’t want to date you, you don’t have to say it meanly, you have to say or ask like all the reasons like you wear a tux in the morning you’re just like…
Reid: You can be direct and be kind people misunderstand directness. They make direct mean abrasive were as for me as a New Yorker like you’re just being direct from a New Yorker perspective is being kind.
Cathy: It’s affording respect and I trust you to be able to handle this and I think that sometimes when people do it more tentatively and you’ve done this few times to me like you’re afraid that I won’t like the answer so you’re like really tentative and it actually lands harder than if you just said it just matter of factlly coz I feel like there’s something going on.
Reid: Yeah and then again the flip side is I can be direct I can be not tentative but I say my answer too quick and people are like it hits them the wrong way.
Cathy: And were human and we all learning how to communicate.
Reid: So again, I have to temper may New Yorkerness and I’ll be like oh hang on let me think about the answer and when I know the answer I’ll be like you know upon reflection here’s how I feel about that.
Cathy: There’s no fuckin way you asshole.
Reid: Like what the fuck? That’s New Yorkers love language today.
Cathy: So I think yeah, finding your own level and everybody says different expression your unique expression I tend to really like to be kind if I can there are days I’m tried and it doesn’t work but my goal is to let people feel better about themselves and more cared about than when I started.
Reid: Or another way and not or take the frame of how I can leave this person more empowered even when they don’t like it and then you practice with kindness and being gentle. And again this is a little bit difficult with a strangers but with people that in your orbit be like hey I’m practicing being more direct but I also just want to be kind about it but like you know do you mind if I practice this on you? And can you give me some feedback? Only ask for feedback from people you actually want to have feedback from coz believe me you can say this to everybody and everybody will give you feedback and then you might not be so kind. Leave some comments below, what do you think of this advice? Send us questions, hit subscribe, share video with your friend.