New Hip, Who Dis?

Content Warning: Slightly humorous and frank medical discussion about what my recent hip replacement surgery 🦴 has in common with using a vibrator to orgasm 💦…

On Jan 28th, I celebrated my 58th birthday! (I’ll tell you about THOSE shenanigans another time! *blush*) 🥳🥳🥳

Seven days later, I left my friends and checked into the hospital to have a full, anterior hip replacement procedure on my left hip, and I’ve been recuperating since.

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Why a Hip Replacement? (And Why Share About It With YOU?)

In my mid-forties, during a rather rambunctious bout of lovemaking, I badly injured my left inner thigh slipping on a hardwood floor in my socks. 🧦

(Perhaps THIS is why we’re supposed to take our socks off during sex? #FallRisk #ButDidYouDie)

As someone who played varsity sports in high school and was an enthusiastic martial artist in my teens and twenties, I knew immediately this injury was waaaaay more serious than anything I’d experienced in football or Karate.

And, in case you were wondering, no I did not stop the rambunctious lovemaking… #SecondMistake #TheFirstMistakeWasNotRemovingMySocks #NoRegretsUntilLater

At the time, incurring a “sex injury” as a sex educator seemed cool, like a #SexGeek rite of passage. (Think Tom Cruise breaking his ankle filming Mission Impossible — Fallout.)

I even told myself, “It’s called safe-er sex, not safe sex for a reason.” And yes, I know NOW: remove socks when hardwood floors and vigorous hip action are involved. 😬 #SlowLearner

But here’s the real part: Being the stubborn New Englander that I am (I grew up in New Hampshire where our state motto is #LiveFreeOrDie), I didn’t go to the doctor to see how serious the injury actually was.

And that choice (and everything that followed) turned into a 15+ year journey that taught me a whole lot about… shame.

So. Much. Shame. 😳

I didn’t realize until now that I was on a HUGE learning experience about all the different kinds of shame that I’ve been carrying all these years — #AndThereAreSoMany! And this is why I’m posting this.

Being the good #SexGeek that I am, I can’t help but want to share what I’m learning about myself with YOU!

I see this as a wonderful, win-win opportunity: An opportunity for me to release some of my shame by sharing vulnerably with you what I’m noticing about myself… and your opportunity to get a head start on understanding and healing whatever shame(s) you might be carrying! (No need to wait 15 years and learn the hard way, like me. #CutToTheFrontOfTheLine)

See? Win-win. And I do love me a good win-win.

Plus, I promise to make it as fun and illuminating as I can… #FingersCrossed 🤞🤞🤞 (Apologies if this post goes long. I think it’ll be worth it!)

NOTE: If reading about medical procedures and vibrators (and why we often avoid them) isn’t your jam, feel free to jump to my online calendar to see what workshops and events I’ve got coming up next. 📅 I’d love to see you at a workshop sometime soon!

Now let’s get hip about what using a vibrator and my hip surgery have in common, shall we? 😎

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The TL;DR Version (In Case You’re Strapped for Time)

• The shame of “needing” medical procedures can sound like: “I’m broken. I’m not evolved enough to heal my own hip with my thoughts/vibration/intention.”
• The shame of needing a hip replacement can sound like: “I’m not a ‘real man’ because ‘real men’ don’t go to the doctor.” (Toxic masculinity B.S.) “I’m too old and frail. I’ve outlived my use. Put me out to pasture.” (Ageism)
• The shame of needing a vibrator to orgasm can sound like: “You’re broken because you wouldn’t need it if you were more evolved… Plus real men don’t need sex toys to make their lovers come. You suck as a man.”

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Shame Is What My Hip Replacement and Using a Vibrator Have In Common…

If you’ve been following me for a while, and you already know what I’m about to say, feel free to share this post with a friend or loved one who might benefit from knowing what you know.

And, for you uber geeks out there, I added some deep-dive shame/trauma stuff for you at the bottom in the Medical Shame Is Real (and So Is Medical Trauma) section so you can feed your hungry, nerdy brains, too! 🧠 #NomNomNom #BonAppétit

What Is Shame, Really?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s definition of shame: (noun) a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.

My friend and sex ed hero, Carol Queen, PhD, gave me a deeper understanding of shame by separating it from guilt.

Guilt is feeling bad because you broke a rule, law, or agreement. You did something wrong and should feel bad about it.

Shame is feeling bad because YOU are wrong. You didn’t break a rule — YOU are what’s broken. → You (your desires, your body, your race, etc.). Are. Wrong.

And once shame gets into your nervous system, it can make you avoid things that would actually help you — like doctors, dentists, therapy, support, sex toys, lube, conversations.

Why Should Anyone Feel Ashamed of Needing a Full, Anterior Hip Replacement… or a Vibrator? 😳

When it comes to health and sex, society teaches us to feel ashamed — to feel broken — for having needs.

For those of us already on our #SexGeek journeys, we can spot the sex negativity and ageism woven throughout society. We’re doing the work to identify and deconstruct such things so we can loosen the holds they have on us and live freer, more empowered, pleasure-filled lives. 🥰

Me needing a hip replacement after a serious sex injury — especially now that I’m 58 — should be about as unsurprising as a pro baseball pitcher needing shoulder surgery after years of wear and tear. ⚾

And a lover wanting to use a vibrator because they don’t orgasm from penetration should be a simple “Your vibrator or mine?” request without so much as a second thought, right?

[Pro-Tip: If you can afford it, I do recommend all adults own at least one vibrator! Want my recs? Click HERE. #ProfessionalToolsCreateProfessionalResults]

And yet… shame is sneaky.

Veeeeery sneaky. 🤫🤫🤫

It hides in places you might not recognize at first, places where you’d least expect shame to be… And then, all of a sudden, when you’re feeling like you’re really making progress… Boom! It catches you off-guard, shoves you inside a box of shame, and starts messing with your self-esteem! #OhCrap 💩

Hidden Shame Disguised As Self-Help / “Optimization” / Empowerment

Now we get to the plot twist.

One place shame has hidden itself is inside parts of the Optimization/Self-Help/Empowerment Industry.

Many of us became #SexGeek because we yearned for better sex, deeper intimacy, and healthier relationships. We were hungry to unlearn all of the crap and mixed-messaging society dumped on us and that pleasure was our birthright resonated with us. 

We knew, deep down, we were powerful… and we wanted to access it. 

Here’s the twist…

Buried inside the “you are powerful” messaging lies a hidden, darker subtext:

• Your vibration isn’t “high” enough (and watch out for the sales funnel that shows up next).
• Your intentions and mantras aren’t focused enough (and wouldn’t you know… there’s a program for that).
• You’re not eating or drinking properly, or you aren’t detoxed sufficiently (subscription link incoming).
• You’re too old (and therefore should panic-purchase everything above).
• You’re “too different” or “off track,” which often turns into: recommit to traditional gender roles and heteronormative values… (let me get you links to all the supplements and courses).

Here’s the shame trap hidden inside empowerment: If you try their X, Y, Z and it doesn’t work, they tell you it’s because you’re not self-actualized enough yet.

Meaning: it’s definitely YOU who is the problem.

If you could just “free yourself from slipping into the Victim Triangle,” release all your negative thinking, and register for Level 2… THEN you’ll finally get the results everyone else is getting.

It’s like self-help purity culture*: “If you were more evolved, you’d be fixed already.” Sound familiar?

*BTW, if you like nerding out on podcasts, there’s a great episode with the Sexvangelicals about purity culture and essentialist language. Jump ahead to 14:32: Click here.

Quick sidebar: Toxic Masculinity (a.k.a. Bro Culture) shows up hard in health and wellness.

I used to think I didn’t need to go to the doctor’s because I was rugged. I was taught that “real men” suck it up and don’t need medical attention.

If you do, it’s because your testosterone is low and you went to therapy. 🙃

In the immortal words of Jesse Ventura in Predator, “I ain’t got time to bleed.” (Or time to talk about feelings. Or even HAVE feelings!)

And How Is This Similar To Using a Vibrator, Reid?

If you don’t think modern-day culture is still sex-negative, may I remind you that I have to intentionally misspell the s-£-x word in my emails to help them reach your inbox.

[📬 If you’re not getting emails from me, and you’d like to: Sign up HERE.]

It’s easy to see how mainstream culture blatantly attacks sexual empowerment with things like slut shaming and sexism… but it’s harder to see the shame and blame that is encrypted inside sexual empowerment spaces themselves.

You can catch a glimpse of it in mainstream sex-positive media and in the messaging of some misguided Tantra teachers and sex coaches…

They’ll tell you that needing a sex toy to reach orgasm means you’re blocked, means you need to do more “shadow work.” And the hidden message for you if you’re their partner: You should feel ashamed for not being able to get your partner off with the tools (no pun intended) that God gave you.

You’ll see the gender scripts show up…

Toxic masculinity take:

A “real man” makes their partner orgasm over and over without toys—otherwise she’s going to cheat on you with someone who can, or she’ll never admit to your fragile ego that you’ve been replaced by her Magic Wand.

(Hello, pain marketing designed to make you feel emasculated and buy their course.)

Toxic femininity angle:

You’re too “in your masculine” to orgasm; you need soften, to step more into your sacred feminine… Surrender, embrace polarity, unlock receptivity… If you don’t, he’s going to leave you for someone who can meet him in his sacred masculine.

☯️ #HeteronormativeRolePlayOrBust #PinkPainMarketing #WhatAboutTheQueerPeople

And underneath all of it is the same old message: YOU are the problem. Shame on YOU.

• You aren’t feminine or masculine enough.
• Your intention & vibration aren’t high enough.
• You’re too gay or queer. (Straighten up!)
• The sex you’re having needs more polarity.
• You’re filled with toxins (a.k.a. You aren’t pure enough).
• You’re not healed enough.
• You need to buy the next thing/attend the next training.

And if you DO all the things and STILL don’t orgasm “naturally”… then it’s PROOF of how really broken you are and you’ll just have to double-down and work HARDER because, “Look! Me and my clients are living proof that X, Y, Z worked for us!”

Sound familiar?

If Only You Were MORE Evolved, You’d Be Fixed Already!

In a future post, I’ll share the positive versions of all of these. Why? Because there are healthy versions of masculinity & femininity, of self-actualization and sex-positivity.

But even those positive versions, when taken too far or followed too dogmatically, turn into the overachiever version of “If you were just MORE evolved!” Meaning: You’re still broken.

If you and I were “more evolved” —knew all the secrets, were taking all the correct supplements, doing all the mystic practices perfectly, dove deep enough into therapy, healed all the trauma (from this life and past lives)— then we’d miraculously heal ourselves, never need a vibrator, never feel jealous, never lose our erections, never go through menopause, never make mistakes, never hurt anyone, never regret anything…

That perfection story is just shame dressed up as enlightenment.

And I’m over it.

Which brings me to the antidote for all this shame…

Normalize How Culture Is F*cking With Us (And How NOT Broken You Are) 

You’re not broken. You’re human.

Someone taught you to feel ashamed of these things. 

And being a human who’s trying to do more good in the world and less harm these days is f*cking hard.

Tell your friends this. Tell them they’re not broken for struggling. Tell them it’s okay to be human. Tell them to it’s okay to feel ashamed, behind, and broken but tell them to keep breathing, to keep taking those baby steps, to stay open and vulnerable, and to share.

They need to hear it. YOU need to hear it. Crap, I need to hear it.

That’s why I’m sending this email today:

To normalize how much culture messes with us—and how shame hides inside the very movements that promise freedom.

THIS is why you feel broken even though you’ve been working hard on yourself for years.

This is why none of us are ever going to feel fully healed—Yes, there’s always more work to do but that’s because we’re always growing, always learning (not because you’re doing it wrong). And learning how to un-shame ourselves is a skill, too. A skill that takes time & practice, so be patient with yourself.

You don’t shame a carpenter for using a hammer by yelling, “Hey! Why can’t you use your fist?!”

And the carpenter shouldn’t feel insecure that they need to use a hammer, correct?

The hammer is the right tool for the job. Using the hammer is the right course of action.

You congratulate the carpenter on using the hammer, because, for driving in nails, it’s an excellent choice! 👍

Lean into the pragmatism instead of the perfectionism.

I’ll say that again so it sinks in…

Lean into the pragmatism instead of
the perfectionism.

Celebrate that YOU are enough. Celebrate doing the work even when it’s hard.

Celebrate knowing the right tool for the job and USING the right one when needed.

Normalize —and celebrate— that some bodies are gonna need a hip replacement.

Normalize —and celebrate— that some are gonna need a vibrator to orgasm.

Celebrate that THIS IS NORMAL. #TakeAHikeShame

🥳 Celebrate working through whatever medical shame and insecurities you have, and I hope your procedures and recuperation go as well as mine are going.

🥳 Celebrate finding the sex toys that work best for you (or your partner) and let joy & pleasure overwrite the shame we were indoctrinated with. 

🥳 Sharing your feelings of shame with others combined with choosing & celebrating the pragmatic will set you free.

#ItsHammerTime! 🔨🥳🔨 🥳 🔨🥳 

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Medical Shame Is Real (and So Is Medical Trauma)

Here are a few concepts and links for you to nerd out over… May you find them helpful!

While we’re on the topic of lessening shame via talking openly about it… And because there are some things you might not know about yet that, pragmatically speaking, are useful to educate yourself about because they augment shame’s ability to make things difficult… And if you don’t know they exist, YOU can be guilty of thinking some folks are being lazy. #KnowledgeIsPower

They definitely helped me, and I have deep gratitude for the friends who were patient with me and took the chance on me to speak up and educate me when I needed to be shown these things. ❤️❤️❤️

So many of my friends (as well as myself 🙋‍♂️) wrestle with various forms of medical and dental shame. If you do as well, know that you’re keeping good company!

Embarrassing Fact: It took me YEARS to eventually go see a dentist, and the only reason I did was because some friends who loved me lots kicked me in the ass non-stop until I went. Click here.

Some people struggle with anxiety about going to the doctor/dentist. Some want to go but struggle with the feelings of not being able to afford it. Some people have medical trauma from being ignored, dismissed, harmed, or treated poorly. And it’s not just in the U.S. that people experience medical racism, medical misogyny, and medical ableism.

These things are REAL and can add to the feelings of brokeness, so be kind to yourself and others. 

Keep Looking for The Tools That Work For You

The shame I feel around health and medicine feels very similar to the sexual shame I carry. Luckily for me, the tools I use to work on my sexual shame serve me well when working on these other areas. In fact, having unpacked my “I don’t need to see a doctor” for what it was: toxic masculinity, plus the avoidance I inherited from my parents who avoided the hospital unless it was an absolute emergency… I realized that some of my family/my own avoidance was also money shame… My family not having the financial resources to afford going to the doctor had them avoid it and we saved face by joking that every injury was always “just a flesh wound.” The gallows humor plus staying “tough” was how we coped, and exposing that for myself and talking about it with friends helped me release it’s hold over me. 

I Don’t Have All the Answers (and That’s Kind of the Point)

Before I go, it bears saying… While I did play an evil male nurse on the soap opera Another World back in the late 90’s (True story!), I am not a medical professional nor do I play one on the Internet. If you find some inspiration in these ideas and it motivates you to find resources and support that DO work for YOU, then WONDERFUL!

If these ideas have you want to come to a workshop of mine or hire me for coaching, then great!

But remember, I don’t have all the answers. The answers that are right for me might be different than what’s right for you.

But we can say that out loud. Together. 

Together, we can create the context that each of us may need different solutions while struggling with similar things. And neither of us is broken. 

Rather than letting shame silence us —or having someone think they’re broken because “What worked for Reid didn’t work for me”— we can hold complexity without abandoning each other. 

Even writing this, I’m aware I might miss something important. Someone could feel erased or unseen or misunderstood.

But not sharing because I’m worried I won’t do it perfectly… isn’t that also letting shame win? 

And the 1000s of people and couples I’ve helped seem to think I have some rather good ideas on how to have healthier relationships and better sex. 

And, so, to the best of my ability, I will continue to share and eradicate sneaky shame whenever I see it pop up. Hope you can see to it to do the same with yourself! And maybe, juuuuust maybe, life and growing older will become a little less scary for each of us!

Recovery Update + Why So Scarce On the Medical Details?

You might notice that, for a blog post about my medical procedure, I didn’t go into any of the nitty-gritty about the surgery or recovery —and that was on purpose.

Not because I’m ashamed of the details, but because the details aren’t as important as naming the forces that keep us from our agency, from sharing openly and vulnerably.

At the time of this posting, I’m at home recovering swimmingly, and “Nurse Allison” is doing a great job keeping me on task.

If you want more details or have questions about hip replacement, leave a comment here or slip into my DMs somewhere on social media, and I’ll try to get back to you as quickly as I can.

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Thank you for the honor and privilege of allowing me to share my journey and thoughts with you.

I don’t take it for granted and I hope what I create brings some joy and value to your life.

If you read this far, OMG, you are amazing! 

Yours in doing my physical therapy…
REiD
Ps. Please feel free to share this post with any friends and loved ones who might benefit. 💕 And leave a comment if you’d like share something that’s resonating for you right now.

PPs. The constipation that happens when taking pain meds is REAL. 🚽😬 Deep gratitude to all of the nurses, doctors, and occupational therapists in my life who warned me ahead of time and those of you who sent me your personal constipation protocols so I’d be ready when I got home from surgery! BEST ADVICE: EAT MORE FIBER! #PrunesAreYourFriend #NoLie

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