How Do You Practice Sharing Scary Stuff To Someone? | Facebook Live With Reid
Reid: Okay, this is take two for today. We had…we had my iPhone crash earlier this morning ‘coz that upgrade is horrible. I’m not gonna talk about it anymore ‘coz I don’t wanna jinx it but welcome everybody! It is Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and I am in the…the hot tub for my afternoon soak. I’m trying not to show my butt or anything like that.
Where are you right now? I am in Portland, Portland Oregon it is fall and we just had Halloween and so I’d love to hear where you’re all from and as I dive into….there’s just a lot happened. Allison and I had our first trick-or-treaters this year because this is the first year we have the house. So the first or Oregonian trick-or-treaters they were so cute! So cute just little like little toddlers who could barely move with their little big bags of…of loot and…and my highlight was the four or five maybe they were ten or twelve years old probably like eleven maybe and the and they were it looked like they were all just wearing their normal clothes but like clothes that were like a couple of years old like some old flannel like not new sporty clothes and one kid at least put on a bandanna which so maybe he wears bandannas all the time, I don’t know but I asked I asked them who they’re dressed up as and they said, “The eighties” and…and that was you know that was hilarious and…and deserved and the answer alone deserved candy.
So that was last night and then this past weekend I was in Orange County teaching my Relationships Discoveries Revealed workshop which is the primer for High-Performance Relationship Mastery which is happening December 1st, 2nd, and 3rd in the OC in Irvine, California and one of the things I wanted to talk and share about today was one of the things that we talked about in that class and one of the things that High Performance Relationship Mastery we’ll kind of nerd out on and go deeper in which of these two things that I think just my opinion…just my opinion and experience as a nerd, as a geek, as somebody who’s had a lot of conversations in the last 20-30 years about relationships as I tried to figure out why my mom and dad’s relationship was so horrible even though they loved each other so much and those two things I said it this way this weekend in a way I’d never really said it before. I’ve always said and maybe you heard me with if I had to give you one bit of advice for relationships period it would be, say what you’re not saying and the Difficult Conversation Formula with the link in the description that is a great resource and way to learn how to initiate difficult conversations so that you can practice getting good at…at sharing the…the scary stuff. And…and I really do you know like share that with your friends, tell people to go to https://reidaboutsex.com/convo and read the article, get the…the free downloads, they can sign up for the free downloads I’ll email them the links for the worksheet because the worksheet helps so much and you know since I’ve always said, “Say what it is you’re not saying.” This weekend because we’re also talking about emotions it was kind of like this one-two punch of say what you’re not saying and feel what you’re not feeling.
And we talked a little bit about the cost and the price of growing up in a family and now I’m sharing about my experience in a family where my parents didn’t have effective ways to talk about what they…their wants, needs, and desires were, they didn’t have healthy ways to work through their upsets like everything ended in an argument and so they eventually just kind of tip toed around and….and tried not to rock the boat in their relationship and so they just because they could never have a constructive conversation, they just stopped talking about things to try to make things better and they subsumed a lot of their emotions, they didn’t have tools to feel their feelings and a lot of people don’t have those tools in American society especially is crappy at giving us tools for just feeling what you need to feel. And so rather than you know expressing ourselves in healthy ways things just kind of buildup and then all of a sudden where things build up and then all the sudden they…we just get to become really explosive or our feelings kind of leak out or squirt out in weird ways not necessarily healthy ways. And so those two things for today’s video are kind of the…those are the topics, those are the answers like you know not saying things with each other like not being able to share the scary conversations, the conversations you’re afraid might ruin the relationship not being able to have those over time erodes the intimacy and makes things weird and…and makes you angry and passive-aggressive and…and then that’s not good and then you know not sharing things or not knowing not having the ability to share things and also not being able to feel your feelings which means developing the ability to feel all the crappy stuff which also means that you’re exercising your muscles to feel the good things.
So if you want to feel more ecstasy, more pleasure in your life it’s not actually about avoiding difficult things or uncomfortable things it’s about exercising those muscles so that you get better at being able to like what’s your uncomfortable feelings bench press like? You know can you have really tricky conversations and can you…do you have ways to…to stay present when you’re feeling things? Do you know when to call a timeout and excuse yourself from a conversation because you know enough about your own emotions or your emotional IQ is high enough for yourself that you’re like, “You know what, I can’t have an effective conversation with you right now for me not because of you but because of me I have to tap out right now. I’ll see you in 15 or 20 minutes or I’ll talk to you in the morning….there’s you know we’re not going to have a productive conversation right now. I am only gonna make it worse.” And building into your relationships these tools and concepts like these contexts like my mom and dad didn’t have a healthy way to…to push the pause button.
So if you want to geek out more on these kinds of principles and tools like more than just the Facebook video then please also check out the link above for High Performance Relationship Mastery which is happening in December in Irvine, California so if you can get down to warm sunny Irvine, California behind the orange curtain of…of Orange County, it’s gonna be great, it’s gonna be a blast. We’ve got the big ballroom for a couple of nights and then we’re gonna have a pool…a poolside party. I’m bringing my tux so if you want to dress up, if you need an excuse to dress up or crack out the…the dresses and the suits for all the Christmas and holiday parties that are gonna start happening soon then you can dust them off and and brush them off for our weekend together. We can spend three days actually having me walk you through these concepts, teaching you the tools practicing the tools, we’ll do a lot of you know actually
using the tools and practice with each other and with like-minded individuals um so if that’s interesting to you go check out the High Performance Relationship Mastery link to…above or below or wherever it occurs on your browser or phone and…and really, really, really consider like I want you to consider coming and joining me and there’s some fabulous bonuses so make sure you check out the bonuses especially the…the loved one bonus number one but then also the loved one bonus number two. I think you will you will…you might enjoy those and the loved one of yours, a friend, a colleague, an actual relationship might…might benefit greatly and then you can also take a look at which door which relationship door you want to walk through if you’re gonna come and join us and I’ll…I’ll let you go figure out what that means. I’ll leave a little mystery.
So that’s the really big thing. Whether I see you in Southern California in December or not please start practicing with…with your friends, with safe people maybe with your therapist if you have a therapist practice having these difficult conversations so you can exercise these muscles so you can actually have them in real…real relationship time with people when you need to have them and figure out a way for yourself to start feeling the feelings that you’re not having like…like somatically feeling them, that’s something that we’ll talk about at High Performance Relationship Mastery I call it angry yoga, it doesn’t always have to be angry, it can be sad yoga but yoga being the practice of not me appropriating something from another culture but the idea of…of having a regular practice for you to feel your feelings and the costs of not like so we get really clear about that what happens when we don’t but also the benefits of when you can feel your feels and work through all those stored up feelings from like when you were kid or that achieved relationship or your first divorce or you know some traumatic experience or shitty…shitty behavior of somebody in your life.
So there you go. So here we are from the hot tub. I still wanna show my butt but I don’t know if that’s a good idea, maybe in next video oh, oh, oh no that’s my foot. Okay, I’m gonna teach you no more. Check out the links, please share this video with somebody and…and let me know what you think. Do you think saying what you’re not saying in healthy situations you know benefits your life, that feeling your feelings in appropriate ways with…with a regular practice, how do you think that benefits you or do you think that I’m completely full of…of malarkey and…and should shut off the phone and never video again? Hit some emoticons. I hope you all had a great Halloween and also check out the scary sex Ed Q&A video from Halloween eve and…and let me know what you think of that as well and I’ll drop that link or I guess you can just kinda you know look at the previous videos if you want and see um see the Halloween one. I got dressed up as a nurse, I was a sexy…sexy nurse.
Alright, thanks, everyone. Have a great day. Bye!