How Do I Know When She’s Come?
With Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com
Cathy: How do you know when she has an orgasm, so you know when to stop? Someone wrote in asking about that and I love that the person wants to know more. There is a lot of pressure I think in our society to know when the person had an orgasm or not.
Reid: Our society is very orgasm-centric.
Cathy: You supposed to do the orgasm then you’re done.
Reid: Yeah, because now we have completed the act of lovemaking.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com
Reid: Answering that question opens a whole bunch of other interesting conversations. First is if you get her or him to come, do they want you to stop because female body people for the most part, you know, vulva owners out there, some people can have multiple orgasms, maybe they don’t want you to stop, maybe they’re like keep doing that. For other people like one orgasm and then they are overstimulated, they need you to stop.
Cathy: Different people have different cool down styles, so even with men, it doesn’t matter if men or women, some may want you to keep going for another minute some they want you to immediately go to a softer touch and so asking, talking about it. If you’re not sure, because some people do have, they’re maybe very excited in making noises like they’re orgasming and it’s a little hard to tell if they’ve actually finished that even if there are somebody who wants to stop. Maybe getting some kind of signal or something. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing.
Reid: You could flag like a race flag.
Cathy: Yeah. I have one … a person that really liked going down on me and I loved it but there’ll be a point after several orgasms I was done, so I’d reach down and gently tap his shoulder and that meant, “Okay, let’s just ease off,” but there’s nothing wrong that he didn’t know if I was done.
Reid: The bigger conversation here is our culture is very orgasm-centric and we’re kind of trained that once everybody gets off that we are not complete, like we have a nice tiny little package of we’ve had this experience we can all go home now.
Cathy: We had “sex”.
Reid: We had sex. I would invite you to refrain or consider the idea of sex is not being so much about orgasm or being pleasure and what kind of pleasure and how can we continue the pleasure. Are we full? Is it kind of like a smorgasbord or we have a bunch of these things and do we feel good, this is enough pleasure for right now, do we want to continue, what are you feeling, how am I feeling. Opening up that conversation before you guys get into bed is really useful to talk about like, “Hey, you know like, when I come I like this to happen after I come,” and ask other people and be like, “Hey, what about you?”
Cathy: Great conversations.
Reid: Do you want me to continue, like how do you like it, like if I was going to get you to come again, like do you know anything and a good tips or tricks you have for me, like what do you like, and make it okay to start talking about it. Then, kind of go on neat little reconnaissance mission with each other, doing detective work to figure out like what kinds of stuff do you like and how do you like it. That’s going to be more useful and more important down the road because you’re role modeling it’s okay for people to speak up about these things, so hopefully in the future they will give you better information as well, so you’re not always having to fly blind and in this conversations you’re creating connection, it might an awkward connection at first, but you’re showing that you care about people’s experiences.
I much rather sleep with that person over and over again than the person who’s not talking about it that I always have to read their mind or guess. Maybe awkward at first when you start having these conversations but overtime most people seem to super appreciate it, and then you’re not flying blind so much. By asking and having conversations about what each other likes and what works better, you automatically start to step out of what culture prescribed sex to be, and now there’s more possibilities and more opportunity for fun.
Cathy: If you’re one of the people that, I’d been there before I learn to tune how I was pleasing someone, I would be focusing on pleasing them and it’s fine to tune to what they’re enjoying that I was so focused on their pleasure, kind of get worn out, like God, won’t they come already so I can be done. When I re-tuned into pleasing my hand and my mouth and my body with their body, I tune to the sensation of that. I could still do what they wanted but I tune into the pleasure I was getting to. It makes it so you don’t get tired as fast, you’re like enjoying it, maybe you have to switch up positions. There’s ergonomics around sex so that you can sustain motions longer.
Reid: You don’t want Carpal Tunnel from all that repetition.
Cathy: … but there are ways to tune yourselves so that you’re enjoying the process and so it’s not just like “I hope she’s done. I hope she’s coming because I’m so tired.” You can talk to your partner, “Hey, listen. Let’s try a toy or a vibrator or different position because I need to switch, my arm is tired.” There are ways to … or, “Why don’t you help me? I’d love to see how you please yourself,” so communication is really important.
Reid: Yes.
Cathy: … pleasing yourself on their body is really welcome too.
Reid: Awesome. Leave comments. Bye.