How Do You Deal With Feast Or Famine In Dating- Identity: Part 2
Cathy: How do you deal with feast and famine when you’re in relationships when you really feeling this way, one way or the other, you’re feeling that strongly and we’re going to be talking specifically about how your…peoples identity can get wrapped up in that. I’m Cath…
Reid: And this is this is part two of the…of the video we just did so you might want to jump and see part one.
Cathy: Yeah, I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Cathy: And I think that you know the person was asking how do you handle when you’re how do you nurture yourself when you’re in the famine stage and not lose your head when it’s a feast and for me, I was brought up very strongly that if you had a male in my in that world a male partner that had status and value that you were….you’re good, you’re a valuable person and if you were single, “Oh, sweetie oh you really should try harder. Maybe thought about losing 10 pounds.” And this is their…the language I absorbed not what I believe is true.
Reid: This is where you’re on sad, do you?
Cathy: The kind of it. There was some [Inaudible 00:00:59]
Reid: Or what society says, right?
Cathy: Yeah like there…there was, it wasn’t always said directly but there was kind of like “Oh, you don’t have a date? Oh sweetie.”
Reid: Something’s wrong with you.
Cathy: Yeah like you know your you’re just not living up to standards and I did…my mom when I was getting my masters did suggest that I drop out and get married because it’s hard to get a husband if you have a PhD apparently like there’s studies on that.
Reid: Thanks mom.
Cathy: Yeah. Well I got the PhD, not married, not unhappy so but I think that we are there’s I think that the swing can feel more drastic and the famine and the feast I mean can get over like we can get ungrounded in both sides if we’re identifying our status or value as having that like “Oh my god, I have no one. I’m awful and this is terrible”
Reid: Got it.
Cathy: “I can’t do anything” or “Look at all these people I have, I’m so amazing. I’m better than everyone else” versus “I’m a human being either way I have value and worth.”
Reid: So how do you navigate that like how…what’s your advice for navigating that?
Cathy: I think part of it is just to explain like it’s not easy to change belief patterns that we’ve had in grades since we’re a little but just noticing like “Oh, I’m looking at that person and she’s eating alone and I’m like feeling sorry for herself. I actually…” you question our assumptions, “I don’t actually know she might have just wanted to go out by herself.” And I have it
Reid: She might have five kids this is the first time she’s…had a fucking meal alone.
Cathy: She’s like “Thank God”
Reid: with some peace and quiet for years
Cathy: Yes or she might have like she might have three lovers and she’s just wanting quiet and [Inaudible 00:02:29]
Reid: Again, peace and quiet.
Cathy: Yeah, I think questioning your assumptions about other people and ourselves and the same thing goes for beautism and then like “Oh, that person’s really pretty she must have someone or he must have someone.”
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: or being more valuable start questioning that.
Reid: Yeah, if…if we get if I can tell you anything about my own experience it’s that you never, never know what’s going on in somebody else’s world
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: you just don’t, you might think you do but you don’t.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: that’s, that’s, that’s the main thing.
Cathy: Well that’s one of the…the amazing benefits I got as being as I was coaching a lot of people and around intimacy and…and trauma and self-sabotage and I had such strong beliefs about pretty people but I was doing a lot of phone coaching at the time was before Skype and I would be working with these people who were sharing this like they were so vulnerable and they were in a lot of pain and I was helping them through and they were so courageous and then I would see their photo afterwards and go “Oh my God. Thank God I didn’t know what they look like because I would have had so many prejudices.” They were very pretty or like they had it all together and why are they complaining about life when we’re all human, we all have hurts, we all feel bad sometimes and you know just the the…the weight society puts on if you have a good partner of status especially like someone that looks like they’re good partner or they have a good job or they look a certain way or they act a certain way, there’s I…you know if you watch TV that’s constantly [Inaudible 00:03:59] you, if you go to a movie that’s constantly coming at you. Just questioning that like “Wow, I have exactly the same value when I’m with somebody or not. I don’t have to get my value for someone else. I don’t have to get it’s just because someone wants to sleep with me or someone wants to be in a relationship with me doesn’t make me inherently more or less value, valuable to myself or to the world.”
Reid: hmmm and then I’m just going to add in that and this is all about turnaround time
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: right? Like ‘coz you’re going to feel better about something and it’s you feel better because culture taught you to that that was important and then how quickly can you remember that? It’s not that you can’t feel better
Cathy: It’s the life that you have
Reid: enjoy
Cathy: someone you love, you’re enjoying in your life.
Reid: enjoy the delight. Where it’s really useful to understand this and be able to catch yourself doing it is when you’re in the same situation from a cultural perspective, that same machine
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: is…is making you feel shitty.
Cathy: Yes
Reid: Catch yourself then enjoy the good stuff, congratulations
Cathy: Absolutely
Reid: have fun, feel wonderful about yourself, right? “I got the promotion at work” or you know
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: whatever, “I found the dollar bill on the street, yay!” Like feel good, “Somebody picked me at the orgy,” great. It’s when it’s…it’s the negative stuff, it’s still the same cultural machine so can you interrupt that so that you don’t have to feel worse?
Cathy: Yeah. I’d love to know what you think too like is how much this resonates because it is nice. I feel really good when I have a partner, that I have someone, I have something I want to go do stuff with or there like “I want to be there,” it does feel good. That looks really normal and natural but can you be supportive to yourself when there isn’t someone there and when there is someone there, can you still stay grounded in yourself and realize, “Yeah. I’m valuable whether this person is like with me or not.”
Reid: You’re valuable whether you watch this video or not.
Cathy: We appreciate them watching it though.
Reid: I do and you should still hit like and subscribe but that has nothing to do with who you are as a person.
Cathy: We value you.
Reid: You are worth it.
Cathy: Yes
Reid: Whether or not you hit subscribe.
Cathy: [Laughing] Thanks guys.