You’re on your way home from work and you’re really frustrated. It’s a really special night. You really want to be there for your partner and yet, you have road rage. What do you do? How do you change your focus and your state?
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share ways to change your mental and emotional state.
Cathy: You’re on your way home from work and you’re really frustrated. It’s a really special night. You really want to be there for your partner and yet, you have road rage. What do you do? How do you change your focus and your state? This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. I must be in England.
Cathy: You’re driving on the wrong side-
Reid: Aaaaah.
Cathy: No wonder you have road rage.
Reid: Exactly. Why are all these people on the wrong side? Why am I on the wrong side of the car?
Cathy: Reid, you’ve shared that you have some good ways to help people transition from one state- it doesn’t have to be as dramatic as that, whether it’s work to romantic or just frustrated to be more present. What are your techniques? What do you suggest?
Reid: Watch one of these videos. That’ll just change your mood completely. Basically, go figure out things for yourself, but the idea is what kind of little mini rituals can you create? Or things that you know about yourself that you can leverage so that it will put you in a mood that you’re aiming for.
If some people, you come home, you need to take a shower. A hot shower just totally changes your mood. For other people, a couple minutes meditating or running on the treadmill. For some people, just listening to better music on your way home. I’ve got friends who love yoga music and Kirtan. They start listening to that and no matter- they all live in LA by the way- no matter how bad the traffic is, it just changes their mood.
For other people, walking your dog, playing with your pet, something like that. What are those things for you that you know really work well that you can design into your life so that you can get out of that nine to five work day head and actually be present with the people who need your presence at any particular time. Not only do you get better at changing your own mood but then you show up for the people who need you in a better mood so that the connection’s better.
Rather than spending half an hour, 45 minutes to try to create something, when you’re present and in a better mood for them, all of a sudden ten minutes fills them up and gives them what they’re looking for.
Cathy: One thing I really love to do is list- like a gratitude list or things I appreciate. It can be about my day in general or it can be about the person I’m about to spend time with. For instance, Reid was semi sane today, so that was something to be really grateful for.
Reid: That’s awesome. I feel warmer and more connected to you already.
Cathy: No you were wonderful today. You don’t have to necessarily share it with your partner, you can just review it for yourself as you’re pulling in the garage or whatever. You can also, if this is a pattern where you’re always coming home from work frustrated and you want to remind yourself to transition, maybe you stick something on the visor so when you go to hit the garage door open, you’ll see, remember, what would my life be without this person? What would it be like if I didn’t have this person to come home to? Just noticing that contrast can help you be more present.
Reid: Yeah. It’s hard. Especially for those who are out there who have newborns or young kids. They’re little time and focus parasites that go off like bombs all the time.
Cathy: At two in the morning.
Reid: You’re also feeling like you don’t have any control over your life. These little rituals can be ways of practicing and ways of giving yourself some control so that you can show up better for the people that you care about. Again, we’re not preaching that we’re perfect by any means. You’re allowed to be horrible at this or just have horrible days, so cut yourself some slack too.
Cathy: Yeah. Talk to your partner about it. If you need that ten minutes when you first come home, let them know and they’re a lot more likely to give it to you.
Reid: Good luck.
Cathy: Let us know what you think.
Reid: Bye.