Sex In a Car (and the Comedy of What Went Wrong) – Bawdy Storytelling’s “Didn’t See It Coming”
Dixie: Campus Con.. Campus Con is a sexuality conference that has been going on this weekend here in LA. A lot of these people are sex educators in the audience and that means that you have questioning probably turn to your neighbor and go, so do I touch the fingers or do it just like that. I, personally I’m not a sex educator. I recommend a knuckle drag. But we are fortunate enough to have someone who is a storyteller in San Francisco for me quite often. He’s here in town. He has agreed to fill my hole and he is one of those people who always has a story. I don’t care what I throw at you if the topic is so sub nature just like nobody’s going to have story for that and he’s like I got 17 stories for that. When I throw a topic at him, our topic tonight didn’t see it coming. He’s always got a story. So he’s going to kick it off and remember, the first spot is when the energy is quite up here in the room and that means y’all need to show him some love because first spot is tough y’all. He’s willing to do it, he’s willing to take the spot but I believe that you get the love from the room if you’re going to do it. He’s a sex educator. He runs Sex Geek Summer Camp which has been happening on the east coast. It’s going to happen on the west coast next year. I’m planning to be one of the speakers of the show for next year Sex Geek Summer Camp. He runs Sex Geek conservatory where you can learn how to get on stage or get up workshops and learn how to teach people about how not to be ashamed of their bodies, how to have great sex in and out of the bedroom, relationship sex- it’s so similar. You can find him at http://ReidAboutSex.com/ on the internet. He is a body story rock star. Give some fucking love to Reid Mihalko.
Reid: Hello Los Angeles. How many of you have ever made out in a automobile or some sorts? How many of you like dry hump and grind like almost got it on, fully got it on in an automobile? How many have you done that within the last year? Because LA is a driving kind of town and apartments are fucking expensive. You’re like, I can’t take you home, and we’re fucking in the car. This is kind of a story like that. Let’s paint the picture. How many of you know who Alisson Moon is? GirlSex 101- Award winning book. She’s my friend, my partner. I’m a queer polyamorous slut for those who haven’t figured that out yet. Google stalk me on the internet. That’s not completely important for this story but for a sexually expressed as I am, I’m not a sex in public kind of person. You know except a lot of lovers and reference like let’s do it in the bathroom of the restaurant. I tried it once, getting it on and I’m like somebody’s probably outside who really needs to pee. It’s hard when you’re worried to like keep on erection and get things done. Alisson and I lived in Oakland and our parking lot is behind a building. We lived in a big lot is called Frutopia because there’s a bunch of fruitcakes living on it and we have this gated kind of parking lot that’s next to our building it this fence and on the other side of the fence where a bunch of 18 wheelers parked and drive out and they load up. Like *car sounds* tent for big buddy and they kind of leave for the night. Alisson and I were on a date night totally denying the Dan Savage cardinal rule of fuck first. We’ve been together for almost 10 years now. It’s time to sleep, there’s no so much sexy time when you’re together maybe for ten years but like we try to do the fuck first thing but it doesn’t always work and this time we didn’t do it. As we’re driving back, do you want to try having sex? It would be really nice to have sex. We can do it 2-5 times a week. That’s going to be a national sex hour. [00:05:12 mumbling] that’s what happened when sex geeks go together. As we pulled in over the fence and over the cab of the 18-wheeler, we see a big Oakland full moon. I looked at my lover for 10 years. She looked at me because she always drives because I can’t find where and anywhere. Alisson is a great driver. I’m a great passenger. I’m like hey baby that’s a pretty great night and she’s like it was. We do a little kiss before we got out of car. In kiss language and there’s a little pressure to that kiss and in my head I’m like Ohhh.. Maybe there’s going to be sex tonight. Maybe we’ll break the national average and that kiss turned into a little bit of gimme some make out. You don’t want to ruin it cause you’re like it might turn into like a thing and I haven’t had sex in the car in decades. We have a handy down a very nice Lexus that we got from Alisson’s mom and dad. It’s got the thing, the compartment in the middle but it’s like a fancy compartment. It’s not just a compartment, there’s a compartment at the top of the compartment but its cushion. It’s very nice. We’re like getting making out and I’m like damn I wish this was a whole bench seat but the thing right here at my urgh. And now we’re getting into it, making out. We’re like trying to feet over things and you know this is a good car. I’m like I don’t want to break anything. Alisson is like fuck break anything, let’s just get it on and I’m like yes. So, we’re making out. She’s crawling, I’m like grabbing and I’m pulling over the fancy thing with the two things over and she kind of hits the gearshift thing in the wheel and I’m like my balls, urgh. I lift her high and she hits her head on the top and she’s like oh my head. I’m like this is going to be sexy, I promise. We’re making out, she’s grinding on my thigh and I’m like I reached down because I’m smart. I hit the little electric thing and as we’re humping it’s like [buzz noise] and I’m yeah this is getting on in the Lexus. She’s trying to get her pants down she got my cock out now and I’m like wow this is great but she keeps hitting her head and she because Alisson is brilliant while she’s like jerking my cock off, on my lap in the Lexus she reaches behind her without even like no vision and opens up the car roof and pops her out of it and she’s jerking me off. And all I can think of about is I think it’s the scene in the Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where they pop off the limo I think, I’m not sure if that’s the movie. Oh my god, this is so cool. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re getting it on in our parking lot in the Lexus. Somebody.. Oh shit, somebody could see us. And Alisson just did this fancy thing on her hand and I was like I don’t care anymore this is fine. My DNA reptile brain is like just forget about it. Do not concentrate that you’re in the parking lot, you’re in a beautiful with a beautiful woman and beautiful guards get it on. She’s trying to get her pants all down and we’re trying to fuck. I got the boob thing happening and pushing and pulling. And I’m like it’s not working! She’s like whoa and I opened up the door and she almost falls out but I catch her and pushed her back in there and I jumped out, ran around back the car. I threw the door open on the driver side and I grabbed her and pulled it over and put in doggies down. She’s in the seat with her ass just out of the car and kind of leaning on the very tight with two things. I got her pants down and whip my dick out and I spit and I wipe and I spit and I lube up cause we’re fluid bonded and that’s okay. She’s kind of thing where you’re not sure if you’re doing it right but if I didn’t do anything she was like kind of falling out of car cause she was trying to find my dick with her ass. So I got my cock out and started fuck and I’m like urrrr urrrr and she’s trying to look back and see me but my head is over the car and I’m like hey, it’s there’s a sky roof. She’s like Aha! So I can see her and she can see me. I’m just fucking balls deep, grabbing her by the hips and we had this moment. Oh my god, we’re so in love. Look over there’s the moon and I look at her and I see she’s kind of lit in the moonlight and I looked down her amazing ass and hips got lit by the moonlight and I’m like wow this is- oh I’m about to cum. Honey, I’m about to cum. So we’re in a parking lot. There’s no cum rags in the parking lot. So I pulled out and I’m just about to pop, so I just aimed down. All I can hear in my head is like aim away from the car, Reid. There’s a thing if you’re not a penis owner, you may not know this when you’re having an erection you can’t point your penis down but it’s not like you can shoot backwards so I kind of hopped to make sure I don’t get the part of the car and I smacked my face on Alisson’s ass. It was a part of me that was like this is fucking funny and my ass hits the car that parked right next to us and kind of pushed me forward again but the whole time I’m like I’m not going to cum on the car. Quick look, okay good. I didn’t get on the car and I’m leaning on the roof of the car. I’m looking at Alisson that was pretty good wasn’t it? She’s like yup. About 20 feet away on the other side of the fence [engine noise] remember those 18 wheelers that were really tall fences. Lights came on. There was some dude with baseball cap and it’s just gets out of the car walked around and checking tires. In the moment I was just like, Honey there’s a trucker like right there. She’s like Yes, I see him and I’m like what do we do? She’s like pretend he’s not there and I’m like can we go inside now? She’s like yes honey and I’m like I love you and she’s like I love you too. I’m like stand up, get our clothes back on and the guy’s like climbing back on the truck and I’m like and we walked back in. And that I did not see coming.
Dixie: Reid Mihalko!