Can You Practice Social Skills On Low Status People In Your Community?
Reid: So there’s this thing about when you want to practice something socially, skill-wise in some communities they talk about picking somebody who’s of low importance in a community to practice on because if you fuck it up there’s no real harm done and I want to talk about this
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: in this video. I’m Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli of http://theintimacydojo.com/
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Cathy: Yeah
Reid: you can buy my products at https://reidaboutsex.com/Store and then leave it in the…the special shipping instructions that’s where I get a lot of my questions so however you get us questions, please like…we love them. We got this really great share from somebody who’s wrestling with something and the piece I want to talk about is they were trying to better themselves as a human being with social skills and they, in their share they were sharing that they pick somebody who is a low
Cathy: social
Reid: low, low importance
Cathy: in social circle
Reid: in their social circle
Cathy: nothing big to break or lose
Reid: Nothing big to break or lose, right? So and so there’s this idea in in certain communities around if you’re going to practice certain things, practice them in a low-stakes way meaning that there’s if it goes wrong the stakes aren’t really high. The problem is you’re practicing on human beings
Cathy: Yeah and you’re deciding someone’s low social status so you can you can use them
Reid: Yeah and again like for me, I’m very high up on the on the pyramid of privilege and a lot of different things. I have a lot of privileges being a white cis-guy who some people think is attractive and charismatic and has a killer beard right now thank you, I’m silly, I’m playful, I’m an extrovert like there’s all these things that I have going for me in my advantage like that are advantages that are just heaped upon me and I didn’t really have to work with them or work for them too much. So this is all also advice coming from somebody who’s kind of the…the apex predator of privilege like I’m the Tyrannosaurus Rex in this situation. I under…while I understand where this advice comes from, what’s shitty about it is that you’re you think practicing on somebody who’s lower stakes it’s like the repercussions community-wise might be lower for you but that’s still a person.
Cathy: And in the human, in the human levels they might be very high
Reid: So, I just want to say that that’s I think that that’s problematic and while I’m not saying you know as the person who benefits from a lot of privileges that that social cachet and sexual it’s not cachet there’s another word for it where like there’s a lot of social dynamics happening, is there a better way
Cathy: I think there often is
Reid: to practice and have things be low stakes without and like elevate people and…and…and humanity in general?
Cathy: As someone who’s had in different communities I…I feel like I have lower status in some and higher status in others and I know that when someone’s treating me that way they felt like I wasn’t as important so they could treat me poorly. I felt really bad and I lost a lot of respect for them and for the community that allowed that to happen. I think there’s a lot of better ways to do it one, I…I encourage people to not practice with the person they have the hugest crush on that doesn’t have to be a status thing. I encourage them to find a friend and say “Hey, can I practice with you? Can I practice…I need to practice my words” or find you know people that have their stuff together and are not going to be harmed by the process like practice that the gro…you know chat, talk if you have trouble talking to people, talk with a grocery clerk like practice with people that are kind of in a safe environment where things are more controlled but it’s not about finding someone who’s low status so that you’re not risking as much when…because people can be really hurt by that process.
Reid: The analogy that comes to mind right now because I’m kind of we’re kind of riffing on this
Cathy: Is it about pirate?
Reid: It’s not about pirate. The…although pirates are totally cool.
Cathy: Are they…do they have high sense?
Reid: It depends on pirate.
Cathy: Oh, it’s true
Reid: Pirates have social, social
Cathy: if they have a parrot it’s better.
Reid: Maybe, I am not a parrotist. The…not everybody has access to parrots. The…the idea that’s coming up for me in this video is it’s around martial arts. As a martial artist or as an ex martial artists because I haven’t been active for a long time in my communities but like if there’s a technique that you want to practice on, practice it on the black belt because if…if the technique goes wrong and you hurt the black belt that’s different than hurting a white belt.
Cathy: Black belt generally knows how to fall and block and
Reid: Exactly and you know like if you break my nose trying a technique that’s different than breaking a white belts’ nose, right? So but what you need to do is you need to ask, you need to ask the black belt “Hey, I want to practice this technique. It seems inappropriate for me to practice it on a lower belt, may I practice it with you?” And that is a much…there’s more consent and informed consent and ability to take responsibility for the situation than you improving your skills on a white belt.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Like
Cathy: Who might be really
Reid: Yeah, well I mean if…unless
Cathy: vulnerable
Reid: you want to be you know like…like you want to be known for “You know what, you know what kind of martial arts I am? I’m the one who can kick a white belts ass. Somebody who has no training, I fucking rock.” Like and that’s not cool and I just want to point this out because this is a piece that I get a little bit irked by and it gets perpetuated in certain communities around how you know who you pick to practice on and I think that it’s flawed thinking. Yes the stakes are lower for you but there’s a more responsible way to lower the social anxiety and be more conscious and mindful than picking somebody who’s safer because there’s less consequences which also means you somehow forgotten that they’re human.
Cathy: Yeah, that was great. Thank you.
Reid: Alright, that’s it.
Cathy: Please leave comments below. We’d love to know what you think, who do you practice with?