The Common Misconception:
“Keep It Casual” Automatically Means “Not Caring”
How many times have you (or someone you know) started dating someone with whom you clicked, only to find yourself madly in love with them ASAP… And then, a year later, find yourselves mad at each other and no longer in love? (And still emotionally attached in unhealthy ways?)
The Myth: “Keeping it casual” means not caring about people.
The Truth (or at least MY truth): Most people have never learned how to care deeply about folks AND “keep it casual” (A.K.A. not fall in love) when there is amazing sex & chemistry.
The Challenge: How do you 1) care… while 2) fostering amazing sex and chemistry… while 3) slowing down the falling in love & emotionally attaching to someone prematurely long enough so everyone involved can figure out IF they want to start a Relationship with a capital “R”?
Sometimes, “keeping it casual” and slowing things down IS what the situation needs so everyone involved can figure out if escalating the relationship is a healthy thing to do.But the cultural message is: “Casual” is unhealthy.What if you could make it healthy? What if “casual” is exactly what is needed so connections can deepen more consciously, thus leading to healthier “serious” relationships?
The Clues That Our Worries/Concerns Leave For Us…
My peer and collaborator, the amazing Misha Bonaventura, gave a recent radio interview about From Premature Attachment to Slut Secure workshop. The radio show host took umbrage with us running a workshop, as she thought, that was encouraging people to create shallow relationships based solely on sex while also reinforcing the idea that “catching feels” (A.K.A. caring for folks/falling in love) was a bad thing.
The radio host’s knee-jerk belief that casual sex MUST equal unhealthy, shallow, no-one-cares and everyone-is-just-being-used-for-sex relationships… Well, her viewpoint is wrong.
Her belief, however, is so commonplace that it pops up in other places, too…
When Misha and I ran the Slut Secure workshop for the first time to rave reviews (see below for a few testimonials, and many thanks to the over 160 amazing humans who showed up for the weekly classes), we got a handful of questions/concerns asking if this was a class about learning how NOT to care. The folks interested in the class’ title and topic didn’t want a deep dive on how to AVOID intimacy.
These were heart-centered and caring humans wanted an answer to a healthier question they were struggling with: “How do I care deeply AND keep it casual when I don’t want to fall in love/when I’m not available for a relationship?”
What a great question!
Their worries spoke to how we’ve been raised to frame “keep it casual” and casual sex as situations that can’t contain true intimacy. And that misconception has a hidden bias: That “serious”, the opposite of “casual”, is somehow superior/more evolved.
What about when you want intimacy but aren’t in a place where you want a Relationship with a capital R?
Are we just supposed to starve in those situations? Starving yourself isn’t evolved… And think of how many of us are starving for connection due to a recent breakup? Or moving to a new city? Or having to navigate a pandemic?
I have had transformative, long-term Friends with Benefits relationships (as well as 1-night stands) that have been filled with deep, deep caring and life-changing insights. I’ve also had relationships where we couldn’t seem to stop ourselves from falling deeply, madly in love even when we knew we were unavailable for each other.
What I think is unevolved is continuing unhealthy patterns when you could be creating healthier ones.
I’ve seen “serious relationships” that were very, very toxic, so “serious” isn’t the magic bullet that makes for deep, healthy, nourishing relationships.
How about you? What have YOUR experiences with “keeping it casual” been like? Do you share similar concerns? Have had similar experiences? (Leave a comment and let me know. I’d love to hear from you.)
The “trick” for keeping casual healthier is understanding what makes YOU tick when it comes to love (and/or the avoidance of it), PLUS learning how to love people causally without falling into the kind of obsessive, “madly falling in love” that seems to wipe out all of our rational decision-making abilities… Or, as we explore in Slut Secure: That unhealthy kind of falling in love that encourages you to start acting out your attachment wounding (A.K.A. understanding Attachment Theory as it applies to casual and serious relationships).
In this Facebook Live video HERE, Misha and I talk about busting the myth that casual sex = not having feelings, and how we each can start having meaningful casual connections, ones that are full of care, love, and respect!
Check out From Premature Attachment To Slut Secure and see if this program is the right fit for you and what you need to conquer so YOU can have healthier, more nourishing relationships regardless of if it’s casual or serious!
Come learn about the Venn Diagram of Compatability (A.K.A., the “Is this even a good idea?” diagram) to see one of the main mistakes keeping folks from having healthy connections and intimacy… Nerd out on Class 1 and find out how YOU can start fostering more secure, healthier connections even if you want to keep things casual!
By Week 4, you’ll have learned how to find your Sweet Spot in building secure connections and how to tell if moving forward from a securely attached connection into a securely attached relationship is a good fit for you and those you’re connecting with! (Think of how much pain and heartache you could avoid? Imagine how much MORE fun you could have this year understanding and applying these insights!)
Misha and I hope you’ll join us! (And feel free to FWD this post to your friends and loved ones who struggle with building healthy, secure connections and relationships)… Learn More and Register HERE – https://Bit.ly/slutsecure
Yours,
REiD (and Misha!)
Ps. Here are a few testimonials from the Slut Secure’s previous attendees…
“I feel I have learned so much, firmed up on a lot of concepts and ideas I did not know how to verbalize and have grown. I also appreciate how this is evolving how I think about and approach relationships!””I fucking loved the first class. I’m really bad at paying attention in zoom courses and stuff. I have major ADD and you guys really had my attention. So much of what you said was gold and I took so many notes. I’m excited about this material!”
“I feel I have learned so much, firmed up on a lot of concepts and ideas I did not know how to verbalize, and have grown. I also appreciate how this is evolving how I think about and approach relationships!”
“…the questions and info are sparking great conversations! And it was sweet to connect with like-minded others in the breakout group. Helps us know we are far from alone in our quest for depth, intimacy, heart-centeredness, and intelligent non-monogamy.”
“I love this class. I especially love when you (Reid and Misha) just talk a good long time, and share examples from your lives. I feel so comforted and heartened, being so surrounded by a like-minded community of open people inquiring about these things together!”
Take Me To The Info & Registration Page>>
