How Do You Say No to Flirting?
Cathy: How do you say no to flirting? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/ Hi Cathy.
Cathy: Hey Reid.
Reid: How do you say no to flirting?
Cathy: Oh, you’re being really obvious.
Reid: Yeah. How do you say no?
Cathy: Reid, I’m notice. I’m thinking that you’re flirting with me and it’s making me feel a little uncomfortable.
Reid: Really, because the connection is so strong.
Cathy: Could you stop flirting with me please?
Reid: I don’t know if I can, it’s going to be hard, I might be disappointed.
Cathy: Oh, well you have to deal with it.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: That was really sweet, thank you. The thing is Reid was being really obvious about his flirting.
Reid: You’re dreamy.
Cathy: But sometimes for me it’s really hard because I’m not sure they’re flirting. I tend not to not to, one I tend not to think people would flirt with me and unless they say can I flirt with you or I’m flirting with you.
Reid: You don’t know what’s going on.
Cathy: I had one evening a friend and I flirted with each other, we both had bad intentions for each other.
Reid: Bad intentions?
Cathy: Well good but bad.
Reid: Adult intentions.
Cathy: Adult intentions and we both flirted the entire evening and neither of us is aware that the other is flirting with them and I finally the next day. Were you flirting with me? And she’s like, yes and I was like, I was flirting with you and she was like, Oh.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: So it was that kind of, like I don’t always notice but I might feel a little uncomfortable.
Reid: And this is why I tell people, this is why I advocate that you ask people, may I flirt with you?
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: But this is mostly because I don’t have a clue either. Like I can’t tell what’s going on and I’m afraid that I’m misreading the situation. So that’s why I just tell people, hey this is what I would like to do. Yes or no, which seems really weird but people seem to like me and people seem to appreciate that I’m so clear about what I’m up to.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: So I think you know like your mileage may vary if we try this out on people but I think as a cisgendered white extroverted you know golden retriever guy, me letting you know and giving you an option like yes or no that helps people feel safer around me or less confused not that you can’t be you don’t have to announce everything but I would ask you to try or ask your friends what do you think about that? Does that feel weird or is that like actually keep you out of your head from feeling confused.
Cathy: Right. And if you’re not sure what your someone’s been interacting in a way that feels a little uncomfortable you, it’s definitely important to speak up and I guess what I would say is hey, I’m not sure if you’re flirting with me or not or but something feels a little off and I’d like to talk about it or that particular act, if there’s this particular action that you’re noticing like you keep touching shoulder and I’m not sure if it mean you’re being sexually or not, like I might even be okay with it if it’s not sexual but if you’re flirting with me, I don’t want you to touch me flirtatiously or acting for specific activities to not continue is okay.
Reid: Another thing that you can do for some of for some of us who is like, oh I have to speak up and I don’t want to upset this person right? Because sometimes people get upset or you grew up in a house where people did not want to hear no from you. You can try what is called an appreciation sandwich and I think I learned this first from Leana Silver.
Cathy: So you would have tried it?
Reid: Where… What?
Cathy: I was flirting with you.
Reid: Are you flirting with me?
Cathy: I’m bad at flirting, really bad.
Reid: Watch Cathy flirt with me.
Cathy: No!
Reid: Come on, this is great. Welcome to the video of being uncomfortable. Yeah, the thing is like Cathy, I’m, I’m I so, I want to appreciate for the connection and the way that you’re present. I’m, I think you’re flirting with me, not sure. I’m not feeling in a very flirty mood right now so if that’s what you’re doing please stop and
Cathy: And let me take some lessons on flirting.
Reid: And and just thank you for even listening to me right not because this is like, I’m trying to learn how to speak up for myself about things when I feel awkward so I just want to appreciate you for for that.
Cathy: Yeah. Yeah.
Reid: Even if I got the flirting part wrong. Maybe maybe you’re just being you’re touchy feeling myself.
Cathy: Yeah, I’m really bad at flirting but yeah, thank you for sharing and yeah.
Reid: You’re welcome. So there you go. I mean, this takes practice and understand so many people feel like they’re trapped in fifth grade when it comes to this kind of stuff.
Cathy: Well I think my tendency was if I didn’t like someone flirt, if I thought someone was maybe flirting with me and I felt uncomfortable I wouldn’t say anything and I would leave like I wouldn’t if I’m close to that person, I would like go talk to someone else to try to avoid them which just left things uncomfortable and I think sometimes sometimes people maybe work flirting with me, if I just said, hey that particular activity is like feeling uncomfortable.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: Like you keep touching me and I’m feeling a little bit.
Reid: Some people are just touchy feely affectionate and you’re not in the mood to be touched right? Or they didn’t ask.
Cathy: Yeah. I’m very touchy whether I’m flirting or not. I tend to like to touch people.
Reid: Yeah and where is like as an American like European when Europeans are touchy with me, I’m just like, oh, that’s because you’re European so it’s again like like the ways that we tolerate stuff or make things make sense to ourselves, my big advice is like where can you find your voice and speak up about stuff that you’re noticing understanding that sometimes you don’t notice it till the next day when you’re like oh man, I should have spoke up then. You have clarity, now can you speak up faster next time like none of us are perfect like I teach this stuff for a living and I don’t get it right all the time. Welcome to being human, and if you feel awkward. How do you check in, find your words, check in and then how do you give people adjustments or make requests in a way that over you know as you practice it more just becomes easier and easier so that you you have less anxiety.
Cathy: Yeah. Let’s come back and do a video about speaking up because I think that’s really important.
Reid: Speaking up! Next video! Leave a comment. So are you now?
Cathy: Yes. Certainly.