What do you do when someone’s giving you a lot of energetic attention in ways that may or may not be comfortable?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: What do you do when someone’s giving you a lot of energetic attention in ways that may or may not be comfortable? This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: There are times when it feels delightful to have someone notice you as a sexual being, and there’s times when it’s really uncomfortable.
Reid: Again, I talk about this in other videos with Cathy. We love attention when we’re in the mood for attention. When we’re not in the mood for attention or it’s coming from the wrong person, we don’t like attention. We don’t talk about this a lot in our culture.
Cathy: I think I tend to be really shy so I tend not to give people that kind of visual, the energetic attention unless I’m really, really certain they want it.
Reid: How do you get certain that they want it?
Cathy: If we’ve been lovers for a long time or something like that, I’m pretty sure they’re … like I know them well enough. If they’re sitting there scowling, maybe not, but otherwise. I might miss out on times when it would be fun to exchange that with people because I’m trying to stay well away from the boundaries.
Reid: I just like to check in and be like “May I flirt with you? Are you in a flirty mood today? Hey, how about some flirting?” You can say it in a flirty way like “Hey, hey. How about some flirting,” or like “How about some flirting? Hmmm?” Then get their buy-in or else you could be kind of energetically spamming people.
Again, when they want the attention it’s not a problem. But understand that so many people aren’t perfect at speaking up when they feel awkward, that you may be, with all the best intentions, hitting on, and flirting with, and engaging people who don’t know how to tell you that right now or today just isn’t a great time.
Cathy: Yeah. Realize there’s a difference. You can’t really stop yourself from noticing people. There may be parts of their body or them that you’re really attracted to. We’re allowed to notice things. It’s different than sending energy out and going …
Reid: Yeah, I can notice that Cathy has a great rack and just be like [inaudible 02:12] “Nice rack, Cathy,” rather than being like …
Cathy: I’ve had people do that.
Reid: Oh my goodness. I’m just going to tell you. If you get so distracted by somebody’s boobs or crotch or whatever, this is tricky because it’s not about getting away with it. I will often say “May I compliment you on your dress? May I give you a compliment because I’m getting distracted in my head by what’s going on right now?”
It’s the same thing where I just gesticulate a lot and I’ll be talking to people and my elbow will smack somebody in the boob. Then I’m just like “I know that my elbow just touched your boob. I’m sorry.” I’ll just keep going, but I acknowledge what’s going on.
Cathy: Yeah, which makes it less uncomfortable.
Reid: It might make it a little more comfortable but that you acknowledge it usually helps and it let’s people know that you get with this going on. One, you can tell people what’s going on for you. Be like “I’m so sorry but I’m being distracted the dress that you’re wearing right now. I want to be appropriate and I also want to be able to focus, so may I compliment you on your dress? Can I just take a quick look at your dress? If you say no … ”
Cathy: What does your t-shirt say?
Reid: That’s a great example. You have somebody with some tiny, tiny print right across their nipples and then you’re like “Timeout, may I read your t-shirt?” “Yes.” “Thank you. Now let’s get back to our conversation.” You’re acknowledging these things and appreciating people and trying to announce your agenda or what’s going on. Then getting some sort of opt-in from them.
“I’m noticing that I want to flirt with you but you don’t know me. May I be flirtatious with you while we talk?”
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Then if they say no, always say “Thank you for taking care of yourself.” If I’m like “I’m being really distracted by your boobs. May I look at your boobs,” and you say no.
Cathy: No.
Reid: Thank you for taking care of yourself. Now just do this and talk to them like that. At least you can be funny about it. Again, at the same time, if you can’t will yourself to not look at somebody’s boobs – and I’m going to use dude. Work on that. We can learn how to not stare at people’s tits.
Cathy: A couple things. Remembering that this happens to everybody. We want to look at things. We want to be like “Oh wow, that part looks interesting,” or whatever. Realizing that’s normal can help take some of the stigma out of it. When we’re feeling like we really shouldn’t, it’s harder to stop.
One thing you can do is actually count their eyelashes if you’re having trouble not looking someplace else, or notice all the colors in your eyes. That gives your brain something to focus on.
Reid: How do you count somebody’s eyelashes?
Cathy: You can’t really but it gives your brain something to try to do.
Reid: Then I would kind of start doing this and it would be creepy. This is a long video. We hope this is useful. Leave your comments below, and thank you so much for watching.