Last week I shared my pragmatic definition of romance (leaving people seen and heard with warmth sprinkled over the top) and how jettisoning culture’s idea of romance can improve your love life. I also talked about the myth of mind reading around romance, and how sharing the process of identifying romantic gestures with your partner or those you’re dating could actually be romantic in and of itself… As well as taking the pressure off and allowing deeper connection and conscious romantic interaction.
Today we’re going to talk about finding your Romantic Groove!
If you’re still with me, or just tuning in now, the fact that you’re considering the concepts I’ve shared makes you a powerful, conscious, relationship geek… Really, there are very few people who see past the Hallmark-hype to learn how to connect authentically and deeply. Congratulations!
I’m passionate about sharing these concepts because I know how much warm, romantic connection enriches lives – YOUR life and the lives of those dear to you. Romance in the way we’re talking about it is super useful in the dating world, and for more than wooing someone. Sharing romantic gestures on a 1st, 2nd, or Xth date is a GREAT way to open up and learn about each other.
Being romantically savvy is also a powerful skill to rekindle old sparks and strengthen fractured connections. I saw the playful, sweet, tenderness between my folks when I was young, and I felt how much it effected the whole family when it disappeared as their relationship started to fall apart. Because they weren’t conscious and aware of what worked for them or how to find each other’s Romantic Grooves, when the romance and connection disappeared they didn’t know how to bring it back, and it left a hollow, lonely, and angry space in it’s wake. And the anger and resentment never stopped growing.
I know that strong romantic connection enhances relationships, brings joy, and leaves the camp site better than you found it, so long as it lands in your loved one’s “groove.” And romance touches the lives of more than just the people being romanced… Children, bosses, co-workers, family and friends are all warmed by appreciation and a touch of caring romance.
I promised to share some tips for fnding your Romance Groove and how YOU can discover and easily remember your loved one’s preferences and “grooves” for romance today. These are suprisingly easy and powerful ways to create romance without having to spending hours crusading on your white horse battling the drama of disconnection in an attempt to prove that you love someone!
Attention Single Folks: Remember, not only can you show your friends and family how to help you keep your romance tank filled so you’re not starving, being able to romance your community has them eager to spend time with YOU, the person who makes them feel so warm! And when you are out on dates, share some of your new found knowledge and see how well they respond. You can vet your interested suitors from a whole new level, see how self-aware they are, and quickly discover how open they are to filling YOUR tanks!) … So, without further adieu…
How Can I Remember a Love One’s Preferences For Romance?
Step 1 – I recommend you and a loved one take the quiz here (I’m not affiliated with Gary Chapman, I just love his way of breaking people’s needs down into categories that can tune your focus and help you fill your partner’s tanks!). Share you results with each other. Take 5-minutes to write down your partner’s top 2-3 Love Languages for receiving love, and stick it in your wallet so you have it with you.
For the next two days, your homework is for both of you to practice “hitting” each other’s Love Languages for receiving. Take note of how you feel and of their enthusiastic responses so you can anchor how powerful this technique is. When you forget, review the card in your wallet, and, in no time, you and your loved one will naturally begin to lead with the approaches that warm both your hearts!
Step 2 – As usual, I’m going to go against conventional “wisdom” and recommend that you and your partner agree to ASK for what you need and want. Moods change, and even with known preferences, it’s hard to know exactly what specific actions to take. If you spend some time getting to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a range of things you can easily do… And the more often you practice the art of asking, the easier it becomes for both of you to be able to ask!
“What would fill you up the most right now?” “How can I leave you feeling more loved and cherished in this moment?” Try having them request something specific they need, like “Could you give me some appreciation for the great job I did with the kids yesterday?” “I would like to be appreciated for __________________.” Simple requests like these can let you focus your energies quickly and easily.
And the easiest way to initiate this is to share this email with a loved one and use it to start a discussion about romance where you actually practice saying the above questions to one another. (Hint, hint)
If you think of Step One as identifying things your partner LOVES… Let’s say, Italian food… Step Two has them letting you know they’re in the mood for chicken parmigiana rather than spaghetti with meatballs. Knowing those two things just made life lots easier! Once you know the exact dish your partner wants, it’s really quite easy to fulfill on exactly what’s going to make them happiest, which takes less time and guarantees more success.
Think of it as running into the grocery store for a loaf of that great French bread she’s really craving, grabbing it, and buzzing through the express checkout lane… Verses hesitantly roaming the store for hours filled with confusion and a mounting sense of dread, filling your cart with random foods that MIGHT be useful… All the while, your partner’s sitting in the car growing more hungry and cranky, and you’re not sure if you’re even buying the right food! How couldn’t you feel frustrated, scared and annoyed? At it’s worst, your feelings of worry and experiences of wasting so much time and money on “shots in the dark” on romance build into resentment, and you (or a loved one) eventually gives up on being thoughtful and caring because you can’t win.
Step 3 – I don’t have time to go into Step 3 deeply here… But once you know your loved one’s Romantic Orientation – They’re a Cat (feels loved when you show forethought and planning) or a Dog (feels loved with spontaneous appreciation) – you can drop in your knowledge of their Love Languages for receiving into a bigger picture of how romance works for them, which will reveal a set of specific “go-to” romantic actions you can take to melt your partner’s heart and deepen connection in moments! It’s actually surprisingly easy when you know how to combine and identify these natural human preferences! You won’t have a lot to remember, and there is a built-in reward system with this approach… The delight, appreciation, and loving looks (never mind the pouncing!) will have you subconsciously creating more opportunity to create romance!
Everybody wins!
I love that you’re learning how to create romance more powerfully, and I’m excited about the changes it will create in your life! If you are curious about taking your skills and understanding to a whole ‘nother level… I’ve been working on a special program on creating romance easily and powerfully, where I teach each of these concepts more deeply and guide you through the process of combining fundamental human preferences to create a powerful recipe for romance.
I’m really proud of the way it pulled together… And I’ll be sharing more information very soon. Watch for my next email where I’ll announce more details and show you how YOU can create an epic, romantic legacy for you and your loved ones today!
xxREiD