If you have trouble ejaculating, or have a partner who does, this video will give you insights and ideas to help.

In this video (transcript below), TheIntimacyDojo.com’s Cathy Vartuli and I share ways to talk about delayed ejaculation and increase pleasure.

Cathy: Hi, I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.

Cathy: We have a video on premature ejaculation.

Reid: It’s really shitty.

Cathy:  (Laughs) Oh my God! I can’t believe you said that. Someone emailed or messaged us and said that they have the opposite problem, they have delayed ejaculation and they were wondering if we had any suggestions or solutions because it’s kind of frustrating, doesn’t get off very often.

Reid: Should I make a joke about this video being very long and going on for ever and ever.

Cathy: I think you already did.

Reid: Not seeming like it’s going to end.

Cathy: I’m sure people feel that way right now (laughs). What suggestions do you have for someone who has delayed ejaculation?

Reid: First, jackass-ery excluded like, I know it feels like the end of the world but bringing in some play and humor.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: With the fact that we’re human beings and that regardless if you have a vulva or a penis, when things are taking too long, acknowledge that.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid:  You will only ever get in your head more, which is never the solution to achieving orgasm, or erection, or whatever. Understand that and just tell your partner, it’s like “Hey, just so you know, I want to come but I don’t feel like I’m going to be able, or I’m getting in my head about taking, this is going to take me forever.”

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: Those kind of communication skills are useful, one because it’s your best shot to quiet down this bad neighborhood up here where you’re going to get mugged. Also, you’re role modeling for your partner, it’s okay for them to share what’s going on for them, which opens up dialog and that’s just good for relationships.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: The other piece of advice I would give to people is start … You want to understand a couple of things. One, are you on any kind of medication that may be affecting your libido, or your ability to reach orgasm. That’s just useful. Two, is this a condom thing. You’re using condoms, which a lot of people complain deadens sensation. I think we talked about in the premature ejaculation video, like use more condoms. Don’t put eighty on the penis but use a condom to alleviate too much sensation.

In this situation, if you’re masturbating a lot, if you have a penis. You’re masturbating a lot, without a condom then you’re using condoms for safer sex purposes or prevent pregnancy and that is creating a situation where you’re not able to ejaculate. Then practice masturbating with a condom on, as a means of starting to figure out your own body and what it needs for you to be able to reach orgasm. In kind of like a real life situation, I’m having sex with a condom on! The other thing I would look at is different positions that are easier for you to achieve orgasm in. We talked about this a lot with people with vulvas.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid:  If I’m on top and I’m fucking somebody, “Oh my God! It’s so much easier if I’m on the bottom, if I’m in doggy style.” We don’t talk about it for our penis owners. Where we’re having issues with ejaculating, “Oh, let me try different positions.”

Cathy: Some may just …

Reid: Some may be the aha moment, whatever that is. For me, fucking somebody doggy style, really useful for me if I want to try and get off for purposes of I’m usually on my knees or standing. For whatever reason, me being standing or on my knees, it’s a lot easier for me to come from that position. It has a lot to do with pelvic floor muscles and a bunch of other stuff. For other people having somebody on top is going to be easier for you because of the pressure and the weight on your hips, gives you something to hump into and that’s going to better for you.

Cathy: Or it might be more erotic for you, your brain gets more engaged.

Reid: Exactly. For me, doggy style, I look down, there’s an ass and it looks awesome! Figure out too, your erotic pieces, what are the positions or situations for you where you get that almost like in The Fast and the Furious, you get that nitrous boost, the turbo boost of the erotic hit that could help get you over the edge.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid:  Just to kind of put this layer of erotic frosting all over everything, understand like we live in a weird society, this day and age. Where it’s all about if you’re not ejaculating, if you’re not hard, if you’re not wet, if you’re not squirting now, as somebody with a vulva. If you’re not having sex that’s knocking lamps over, something’s wrong.

Cathy: If you can take some time with your partner or yourself where you can actually take ejaculation, orgasm off the table and just enjoy touching each other, touching yourself and enjoying the sensation. Sometimes, it’s really hot to just have sex without having to come.

Reid: There’s nothing wrong with telling each other, “You know what, I want to come but I’m not going to be able to do it fucking, or with a blowjob, or orally, or whatever. Can we just lie next to each other and masturbate and finish each other off?” That’s totally legit and super-hot for a lot of people. Don’t make it that you somehow failed.

Cathy: Yeah. Always make sure, check with your doctor, make sure there’s not a medical condition going on. Then try some things, Tantra has some beautiful energy work. You teach energetic sex, which is really a lovely way to connect at a deeper level.

Reid:  It has nothing to do often, with ejaculation.

Cathy: Yeah. It takes the pressure off and it teaches you all kinds of new skills.

Reid: Cool. Hope this was helpful, leave comments below. What are your challenges? How’s it going? Do you like us?

Cathy: (Laughs) Thank you.

Tagged as: Cathy Vartuli, Delayed Ejaculation, Fear, Sex Positive