When Is The Right Time To Talk To Somebody Being Sexual?

by Reid on October 14, 2018

When Is The Right Time To Talk To Somebody Being Sexual?




Reid: We are on a roll. Video number 5 in this thread about something which I can’t remember now. I’m Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com/.

Cathy: Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com/.

Reid: What is this video all about, Cathy?

Cathy: We’re talking about when to talk to someone about being sexual.

Reid: When to talk to somebody about being sexual..

Cathy: So, my original question went back to – How do you know when to bring it up and when’s appropriate?

Reid: When is appropriate?

Cathy: Yes. So you said you always ask which I think is great.

Reid: And I would ask, Is this the appropriate time now for me to reveal my desire to sleep with you?

Cathy: [coughs and laughs] Okay, again, you’re being extroverted. I don’t know..

Reid: This is my shy version. I’m being playful now. Is it now the time to reveal my crush on you and desire to take this to more sensual direction?

Cathy: That’s very sweet actually.

Reid: Yeah?

Cathy: Yeah. That was very sweet. Thank you for role modeling that. So, my question is, because I’m still trying to get down coz I watched you and we’ve been to a lot of events together and you’re timing is very good at least to my own opinion. You talk about when you teach at classes reading the room and I’m wondering if you can talk about reading the room around when or if to bring up something sexual.

Reid: Okay. So, understand please that when I say read the room while I’m sure I’m picking up subtle cues from people. Whatever body language is. I mean gross body language, the gross meaning you know large swathes of dad like is very different, different then, right? But the thing that I’m doing is I’m not waiting for body language consciously. I’m sure I’m picking up things like oh my brain is like okay, now’s a good time. What I’m paying attention to is what’s going on in here and in here. I’m assuming I’m always coming from a heartfelt, I want to make the world a better place and leave the campsite better that I found it, right? I’m not being malicious but when I start getting nervous where I start kicking the shit out of myself in my head in second-guessing myself that’s the time to tell the other person, hey just so you know I’m starting to second-guess myself so I should probably mention what’s going on in my head. Would that be okay if I just revealed the weirdness that is Reid Mihalko to you right now? So, again like the way that I’m doing that is that I’m not like you know, would it be okay if I, if I told you? And part of the reason that I’m not pulling is I caught it faster. I haven’t with myself up into such a situation now where I must tell. It’s kind of like when you need to pee really bad and you’re having a conversation with somebody and you realize holy shit, they’re going to keep talking, they’re talking longer now, oh my god my bladder is going to burst. You were having an experience that is taking you out of the moment and the only thing that’s helping is they haven’t figured out that something’s wrong over here.

Cathy: The longer you wait, the more the bladder’s..

Reid: And eventually they will figure out that you’re getting weird. So what I do is I’d tell them, timeout. Oh my god like I really need to pee. I would love to hear this piece but I can’t concentrate anymore. Would it be okay if I went pee? Now there’s a part of me that is like I’m peeing soon whether you want to or not.

Cathy: Whether I stay here or leave.

Reid: But I’m trying to give them room to say no. No, actually I need to finish this.

Cathy: Could you role-model how you would have to talk about sex? Like see if you noticed it.

Reid: Well, I mean I’ve been role-modelling on these other videos too, I hope. So there’s like 4 other videos. Go watch them if you want. It’s like hey, you know I’m being distracted by something that’s rattling around in my head.

Cathy: What’s that?

Reid: Well, I have a crush on you as we’re talking I’m sapiosexual and you’re very smart and now I’m thinking about wanting to hit on you so if that’s appropriate for me to do that or if you want to flirt, I’d love a yes or a no and then if you just tell me when we can start that portion-

Cathy: That’s actually really cute..

Reid: I just need to get it out of my head so I can actually be present with you. Now that’s the thing is when you tell people I just need to get it out of my head so I can be present with you but you’re not doing it like it’s a tactic like now, we’re 2 minutes and 32 seconds in, now I would vulnerably reveal that I have this thing rattling around in my head. So that she or he will hopefully give me the yes so that I can shift gears into flirting. You really need to own, this doesn’t work if it’s an agenda like if you’re using this as a tactic. Where this works is if you just real with people.

Cathy: Yeah but I notice when you said that you stayed present in yourself, your energy wasn’t leaning on me to try to make you okay and you’re going to be like this is I’m very shy and I can be insecure and I noticed that I have a tendency to like want to lean in and have them make me be okay. If I can stay present with myself and one of the things I tell myself is I will be there for myself whatever they say. I’m a big woman I’ve had some really mean comments at times what I’ve tried to gently ask flirtation was encouraged like people are just like really cruel about my desirability and so I do get tense and kind of nervous about it so I do try to show that hey I’m kind of shy and I’m feeling nervous asking this but- and I try to stay present to myself and in my head I’m saying I’ll be there for me no matter what they say, I’ll be okay no matter what they say and I’ll be like I kind of feel like flirting with you, would that be okay? There’s different ways to do it but part of it is staying present in yourself and not trying to put your well-being in your value on them to approve or disapprove.

Reid: Yeah which is hard. It can be hard to do that because we make things mean things. Learn that about humans and how you’re putting meaning on things and how that affects you emotionally. It’s not that you don’t get hurt. It’s not like that people don’t disappoint you or that you get disappointed that you really, really want things, it’s that you are the adult of your nine-year old now. You are the adult of your five-year old now. You are parenting yourself, this is deeper like take a workshop maybe get therapy kind of thing, and you’re the parents now. Be a good parents to yourself and certainly you can have community and loved ones who take help you take care of yourself but you are your own responsibility. Even to your feelings and how you make things mean things. Then when you notice that you’re pulling on people, call yourself out on and be like oh and just so you know I’m noticing that I’m kind of really invested or pulling on you, I’m trying to handle that so I’m sorry if I have my garden hose out and spraying you a little bit, I’m trying to pull that in. Where this is useful is you saying, it usually turns the volume down on it a little bit. You’re building up trust with people. Now, people don’t get your vulnerability is a form of authenticity and trust and you scare them away, trust me on this one. Cut them loose like scare them away and be kind and try to be good at like coordinated with this but if you scare them away, you’re better off. If you can handle things and practice handling things gracefully over time who you are in your community. The reason that so many people are okay with me asking them if I can hit on them at this point in my communities. I have a reputation now because I’ve been this way for more than a decade. People word of mouth or people not trusting me in the beginning and seeing me for the next three years be me and be responsible has people change their opinion of me. Doesn’t mean they want to sleep with me.

Cathy: No but you’re not vindictive, you’re not angry, you don’t keep pulling at-

Reid: Yeah and I’m just getting better and better at myself. In a world where most people are not mature and aren’t actually interested in getting better, you start to stand out and I think over time that changes things. Again, that doesn’t stop the feelings of starvation and how it hurts but you can take workshops now and get some and go to therapy or do some self-work on yourself. You’re an expert in tapping and things like that. There’s a lot of modalities where you can start. You don’t have to be trapped anymore.

Cathy: One of the things that I love you said about overtime that’s one thing I noticed like the first play party I went to, I didn’t know anybody like I knew the two people that invited me there but I was like, I felt very awkward. I saw all these people playing and they had their long-term..
Reid: Play party for those who are just tuning in, play party is a basically it’s an orgy. It’s an event where people can have sex.

Cathy: I know I felt very uncomfortable and I’m like I’m never going to be like that. There’s not all these people wanting to have sex with me, it’s because I’m fat or whatever and I felt very insecure and then over time I’ve gotten to know people like I kept showing up, I kept being reasonably okay with things and you know how put with whatever and like treat people are-

Reid: People got to know you.

Cathy: Yeah. Then it would started to be that. I was sometimes the person having the sex that I saw all the way back that I would have been super jealous of. Not every party for sure but at overtime you can build up your reputation and a connection with people that might make it easier.

Reid: What do you think? Complex big thoughts here in this video. Go watch the other 4 and then leave comments in all of them. Thank you so much for watching and sorry for the long video. Hope this was useful. Bye!

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