Snooping On Your Partner Because of Trust Issues?

by Reid on August 21, 2017

Jealous Woman Spying Her Husband Mobile PhoneFeel justified snooping because your partner broke your agreements? And your partner doesn’t understand?

With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “How can I get my husband to see that I’m snooping because he was unfaithful to me? That was even a week since I found out and he wants me be over it by now.”

Reid: How do I get my husband to realize I’m snooping?

Cathy: Because he was unfaithful to me.

Reid: Tell him that.

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com

Cathy: Yeah! But if you have boundaries about if she’s violating…

Reid: Oh the reason why she’s snooping because you’re unfaithful?

Cathy: Right. So she feels like because he’s…

Reid: She wants to find out every unfaithfulness.

Cathy: Right! So, she’s going into stuff that may or may not she doesn’t supposed to find. Be within their agreement to go in to and she feels justified because he was unfaithful. And he’s feeling frustrated that she’s not.

Reid: Okay. So couple of things that I would do. Infidelity is a serious thing. Holds its all weird about it. And most people given the families and the community they grow up in were never given the tools to be able to handle in grounded ways surprises and breaches of agreements like infidelity.

Cathy: And there’s a time of shame on both parties.

Reid: On both parties and there could be a lot of other things going on under the circus. So, here’s what I would do. One, consider getting a therapist. Consider that both of you have a therapist. Maybe different therapist. Consider going to some sort of couples counseling or couples therapy so that you can have a referee steppin’ in kind of help you to communicate on what’s going on. Read the book “A New Monogamy” by Tammy Nelson.

Cathy: Really good book.

Reid: Read the book “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel. And this is that you must read this book “The Five Languages of Apology” which I believe just got retitled “When Sorry Isn’t Enough”.

Cathy: And it’s a short read it’s really worth the time.

Reid: Because you have that breach of trust, you need the tools to be able to hear if somebody is saying that they’re sorry and start to forgive this process and then you need the tools to work through what infidelity all the possible meanings of infidelity. Not the “culturally” approved meanings of infidelity which if we try to do this by culture standards you just screwed. And then getting hiring a professional listener is probably a useful thing because you’re hurt, you’re angry, you’re demanding some sort of answers and you want all the data and emotions are raw and so the healing process isn’t really going to be furthered by more snooping and I totally understand why you want to snoop and it’s a week old its super fresh. Like it’s haven’t been scab over yet it’s still using hurt. So I totally get it.

Cathy: I think you can realize like Reid said is that you wanting to feel safe and you’re snooping because you’re trying to ensure if he is not doing something that he shouldn’t.

Reid: Or you’re snooping because you want to hurt back and wreck somebody through the mud. And I understand that.

Cathy: No, if you feel violated it means it’s natural to one violate back. But realizing that… these in my case I don’t know that I could ever snoop well enough to really be assured. Like, “Okay I just want to throw this email and his pockets and jacket and his car and the glove compartment. What if I miss something? What if I get them the clue? It doesn’t really stop the process.

Reid: And it also doesn’t get to the deeper things that are happening or that had happened in a relationship that had infidelity take place, and I’m not being apologist. People need to be responsible and snooping probably won’t provide you with the answers to that question. So things are raw. Most people don’t have the tools to work through this so get the tools.

Cathy: Get support

Reid: and start the process and also get the tools for you to be able to handle surprise, upset, grief, anger all those things and there’s a good chance in your partner doesn’t have tools either just because of how fucked up culture is and so this is one of the reasons that we do what we do. We try to point people on better direction and create better tools for folks and thank you so much for your comment. I’m so sorry for your pain and I hope this video help.

Cathy: Leave comments below list and know that your questions are around us.

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