How can you step out of the old games about withholding sex or not contacting the other person “too soon”?
Cathy: One of our viewers wrote in and said, “I recently had sexual encounter with a new man. I know we really like each other and we seeing each other twice now. Something I repeatedly fear as a woman is that the man will disappear after I’ve intercourse with them so I haven’t slept on him yet. I feel like I’m being controlling. I’ve also been “not contacting” him waiting for him to contact me. Can you help set me straight? I feel like I’m stuck in an old paradigm and I can’t get out. Thank you.”
This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com and another fabulous comment sent in by a listener of your fan or somebody who’s just curious. Well how we answer this?
Cathy: Yeah, it’s a great question.
Reid: Yes, what’s your answer?
Cathy: Well it’s really easy to fall back on that because it’s vulnerable to reach out, it’s vulnerable to ask and we’re also taught… there’s a lot of societal stuff about woman are supposed to be receiving their request. But I did that for a while and it wasn’t very fun. I didn’t have a lot of power and I wasn’t mean self-expressed. I wasn’t asking for what I wanted when I wanted it. Or giving my partner voice. There was like there’s a little manipulative even though I wanted what I’ve been taught, I’m not saying anyone’s wrong to do it just it’s not the most powerful way to connect with someone. Whereas really turning and listening to your own body and your own mind, your heart, what do you want? Do you want to connect with those person? Sometimes when we give the other personality control and we say, “He has to call me. Or she has to call me.” We don’t even know if we want them to call. We only want them to call because we’ve been waiting. Whereas we don’t know what we actually want and maybe able to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, I was just thinking of you. Do you want to get coffee?”
People that are a good fit will usually be fine with that. There’s nothing wrong when taking it slow especially in the beginning. It’s also really okay to reach out and even let them know, “Hey, I have this old paradigm where I always waiting for the guy to call or ask and I’m afraid to sleep with them even if I’m ready to sleep with them because I’m afraid they’ll run away.”
Reid: How did you have a break to all of that?
Cathy: Part of it was just practice. It wasn’t like overnight all of the sudden it was better but I started reaching out more, I started asking and when I saw that the world didn’t end and the person didn’t run away screaming. A few people just like, “Oh my God” but then I knew they weren’t a good fit for me because I don’t want to be in a relationship for someone right away have to wait for them. More society gets to dictate how I interact with them.
Reid: I have nothing for you to ask you on it and that’s an excellent answer.
Cathy: Do you have any suggestion on how she could start implementing this?
Reid: I don’t know. Call her for coaching yourself like that she seems to know what she was talking about.
No, that’s basically cultures having its way with you. Culture hasn’t recalibrated. It’s out old paradigm staff and doesn’t make it feel any less vulnerable. Welcome to intimacy and relationships and talking to people as clearly and as quickly as you can about whats… either bothering you, or making you anxious, or having you feel awkward. Those little baby steps and talking about those things and doesn’t have to be huge processing because you can be just like, “Yeah, I have this thing and we’re actually not processing it. I just want to share that with you so that it’s out in the open. And then just keep on tracking.
Cathy: Yeah. And remember that it’s going to feel awkward and maybe scarier or [inaudible 00:03:40] when you first do it. We don’t have muscles for that if we haven’t practiced it. It’s okay for it to feel awkward, it’s okay for it really uncomfortable. Just be present with yourself and be gentle.
Reid: Embrace the awkward. In which case you might want to go to ReidAboutSex.com/Awkward and you can get free download and video on how to embrace the awkward.
Cathy: You can even share it with your new partner.
Reid: Aha! Do it together as an exercise. Thank you so much for the question and really like this part about that game of cat and mouse that’s not changing from a cultural perspective anytime soon. Just understand that that’s what’s going on and just sidestep that whole thing because it actually doesn’t work at all anymore and it’s the old advice isn’t really working.
Cathy: Yeah. It’s playing the game and if you hate being gamed, don’t game other people.
Reid: Yeah. Nice. Thank you so much for you questions. Leave some comments, subscribe. We like you!