Kinky and In An Open Relationship, But Don’t Know How To Talk To Your Partner?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Dr. Liz Power from SexPositivePsych.com
Reid: Are you kinky in open relationship and somehow your relationships aren’t quite working or you don’t know what to say to your partner? My name is Reid Mihalko, I’m from ReidAboutSex.com and this is Dr. Liz. I call you that…
Liz: Dr. Liz. Yeah, Dr. Liz is great.
Reid: Dr. Liz because it might stick.
Liz: It could stick, I’m…
Reid: Okay and you’re Dr. Liz from?
Liz: SexPositivePsych.com
Reid: SexPositivePsych.com. So to answer that question, we are like one or two tips for people who might be kinky, who might be in open relationships but they don’t know how to talk to their partners. What would you advise?
Liz: So the biggest two things that I would say are #1, make sure that you’re really clear on what it is that you want. A lot of times when I have folks coming to see me with this kind of problem, they aren’t super clear on what it is they want so it’s hard for them to ask their partner. So make sure you have to hand some time and figure out what is a relationship structure that works for you. How do you want them to touch you? What is it that is the problem and what it is that you actually want in a positive fashion? Not just what you don’t want them to do.
Second this I would say is that the more you leave unsaid, the more they will get between you and a partner. So if there’s something…
Reid: So wait, slow down, this is good. The more that you leave unsaid, the more what?
Liz: Will get between you and your partner.
Reid: Okay, good.
Liz: So there’s this gulf of things unsaid that can develop in a partnership. Where this thing happens and you want it to tell them something about it but you didn’t, it just kind of sits there in between you. Every time that happens that gulf gets a little bit bigger.
Reid: And you wait for the right time to come clean about everything.
Liz: And then there’s never right time to come clean about everything because it’s too much, it overwhelms them.
Reid: So what’s your professional advice?
Liz: Say it. There’s never going to be a right time like maybe right after their grandmother died isn’t the perfect time, but in day-to-day life everything’s going to be stressful. People are going to be busy. There’s never going to be a perfect time to say it so just figure out what it is you want to say, sit them down, start the conversation. And the good way to start those conversations I’ve found is sharing that you’re feeling uncomfortable about it first, where that’s, “Hey, I’m feeling nervous about sharing this with you because I’m afraid of how it will affect our relationship. I’m feeling really worried about how are you going to react to what I have to say.” Whatever it is that you’re feeling, sharing that upfront helps kind of defuse the situation and puts you on more level terms.
Reid: It’s kind of like the difficult conversation formula for those of you who know that and you can go to ReidAboutSex.com/difficultconvo that’s similar because you’re sharing of the things that you’re afraid might happen, the things you want to have happen and then what you want. So I think the big takeaway is even if you’re watching this and you’re not kinky or in an open relationship, there’s never a “perfect time” usually but waiting longer and having more things that you haven’t said is not bringing you closer.
Liz: No and again it creates pain for you and your partner can tell there’s something going on. People are generally fairly perceptive, they may not know what it is but if your partner thinks that that’s something’s going on and they don’t know what it is, they’re going to guess that it’s way worse than what it actually is.
Reid: Yes, yes. You would notice as a doctor of psychology things.
Liz: As a doctor I would notice.
Reid: And what is your website again?
Liz: SexPositivePsych.com
Reid: Like psychology?
Liz: Like psychology.
Reid: See? Smot. Leave comments, what do you think? What about the advice?
Liz: Love the hear it.
Reid: Check out Dr. Liz. Bye.
Liz: Bye.