If Someone Talks Over You, What Do You Do?
Cathy: So, what if you just met someone and they’re talking over you and kind of controlling your interactions and even when you try to do boundaries you’re not really,
Reid: They keep talking over you?
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Even when you’re sharing?
Cathy: They are not really getting what you’re doing.
Reid: But they are excited and enthusiastic maybe?
Cathy: Perhaps!
Reid: And they’re trying to help?
Cathy: Maybe?
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: So, someone, wrote in
Reid: What do you think about that? Does that ever happen to anybody else?
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from https://ReidAboutSex.com/.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from https://TheIntimacyDojo.com/. A website of impeccable patients. What do you do? What do you do when that happens?
Cathy: One, if you just met someone like I have to decide sometimes is the someone worthy investment, like if I haven’t met them and I don’t have a particular reason to hang out with them, sometimes I can just say, “Wow! This person doesn’t have good communication skills right now”. Maybe they have better days but I don’t necessarily want to like invest more in trying to work with them. So there’s certainly the option to say, “Hey! Great talking to you, Bye” and leave.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: And it may be hard if you keep talking and they’re trying to control but you know you’ve decided when it is worth it for you. I think first of all is it worth the effort and then two, using some simple boundary stuff initially to see how they respond is useful like “Hey! I notice you keep talking over me, I wasn’t finished off my thought. Would you mind me if I finished?” And then seeing how they respond. If they don’t respond too well to those kind of boundaries, do you really want to spend more time with them?
Reid: Yeah, you’ve got a good indicator that it may not be useful to proceed.
Cathy: Yeah and if it’s a family member, something that’s different like some of us are kind of like, “Well, Uncle Drew never stops talking and I’m just going to be quiet and listen.” We can’t make decisions like that but if it may not be something you need to solve as the person’s asking how do I fix this? So, setting gentle boundaries and seeing how they respond I think is a really good way to judge how mature and how well they are able to communicate.
Reid: What’s a good exit script? You just have a bad day and you don’t have time for this.
Cathy: Yeah, I have to catch bus, I forgot about a meeting, I have a diarrhea, I need to run.
Reid: Oh, oh that’s funny!
Cathy: Well, my stepmom taught me that. When I went on my first date she’s like, “if they ever like won’t leave you alone, you can…she said the first thing you can do is like pick your nose because they’re going to probably be grossed out and leave you alone. And if that won’t work, threaten them to throw up on them or have diarrhea and like…like you can make yourself
Reid: Why not just go for diarrhea? Because if you pick your nose and that doesn’t work, now it’s like you have to you have to
Cathy: You have to go all out?
Reid: You have to go diarrhea.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And then you know go in full diarrhea. It might be…maybe that’s just a smart one.
Cathy: Yeah. But her idea, her thought was like you could like kind of back from off that way.
Reid: Yeah, okay. Alright.
Cathy: She had unconventional advice but I thought.
Reid: I think the diarrhea ones actually quite.
Cathy: Because it gets people their attention.
Reid: You are just like, oh oh but now you’re again, in this situation in the comment that the person wrote in, this was a stranger that they were having a conversation with waiting at in a waiting room or lying in or something.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: So again, the diarrhea might not be the right thing because then you have to excuse yourself
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: and then come back and then they’re still there.
Cathy: Right!
Reid: But as I need to end this conversation
Cathy: yeah
Reid: you will never see each other again, that might be useful but then you’re still…my question is you’re lying to that person.
Cathy: You are, yeah. I mean, just….you can just say after like I…. sometimes I don’t care enough about a person to be like that genuine especially if they’re really annoying me. I try to be as genuine as possible but like you know, “oh I need to make a phone call that I really need to make or I need some quiet time or would you excuse me I have to take care of something and just you don’t even have to say what it is, like my eardrums are going to burst so I’m going to take care of myself.
Reid: Yeah and that’s tricky too because as a as a male, as a big guy, I haven’t experienced people not leaving me alone when I told them to, so it’s not like I don’t have people generally following me down the street, cat calling me or
Cathy: Yeah, telling you to smile or trying
Reid: Not leaving me alone so when I say, “thank you so much. I can’t have this conversation anymore, I need…I’m doing something else so thank you” and then I like turn my attention away, I’ve never had people continue to turn into what would be harassment.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: So in that case, like the diarrhea thing is quite clever but then you need to remove yourself from the situation.
Cathy: Right and you may not be able to.
Reid: And you kinda can’t come back.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: yeah, that’s a
Cathy: I mean you could come back a little while and just say I might have to like
Reid: yeah
Cathy: but yeah and the problem is that there are some people out there that feel like you owe them your attention if you’re on the same space and that can be really frustrating when they don’t honor it. I…I do try to like the minimum of effective those is a good idea for me like when I do, I try to give a minimum effect of those like I need to take care of something right now. If it’s someone that just I’m backing off sometimes I use an authority figure, I need to call into work or something like that ‘coz that that add some credibility. Sometimes like I’m not a big, tall martial artist. So, I sometimes
Reid: No, and I just want to acknowledge that like it’s….sometimes the advice I feel like I give people isn’t the best advice ‘coz it’s of calibrated from a male…white males perspective who happens to be a big guy who’s an extrovert so
Cathy: Yeah but yeah so I mean I do try to be genuine but I’ll also use things like I have diarrhea or you know ‘coz it’s a blunt and then they really can’t argue with you or try to push you around or I have to make a call and I’ll just make….I’ll genuinely call at work like you know
Reid: Another thing that might work and this is just I’m [Inaudible 00:06:16] to you is like if you say like, “Oh my goodness, I just reminded, I just remembered I need to call a friend…
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: about something and then just pick a friend you have not talk to in a while and call them.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: I don’t know if that would work.
Cathy: Yeah but it’s like you’re talking to someone else and most will back-off for that time. So and you know for all they know is like you can put on your earbuds to talk to them and just keep going “U-huh” and like you would hang up afterward.
Reid: Oh, sneaky
Cathy: Just keep talking
Reid: Sneaky and listen to Justin Bieber
Cathy: Yeah and Justin, Justin
Reid: Yeah, I think that he has a song about about something, I’ll figure out that this pop song about this. If you know the pop song about having to end a conversation with somebody who keeps wanting to talk to you, what is that song? It’s in my head and now I think it’s not Bieber uh!
Cathy: It may not be Justin Bieber
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