I Want My Boyfriend To Rev My Engine More: Part 2
How can you experience more turn on during sex… Is it always “his” responsibility? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Oh hi! It’s on. So we’re going to answer a question. This is the voice of Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Cathy: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Reid: And we’re and this is part two of…of this question, “My fiancée feels like he’s a great lover but dot, dot, dot he could use a bit of help revving up my engine. How do I teach him how to do that without making him feel like he’s not a great lover?”
Cathy: And we’re talking about in the previous video, we’re talking about you mentioned that sometimes we can take responsibility for our own like bringing our
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: own knowledge so I’d love to hear more about that.
Reid: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t know what to say, what to say.
Cathy: Well, part of that I think we, we had in the last video we suggested taking some classes and it’s not just like sometimes it’s…it’s very common for I think women especially but people to like “Oh my partner is responsible for knowing what turns me on and for doing that.” And sometimes knowing ourselves is a really powerful way of starting that dialogue so whether you touch yourself and learn like explore with yourself, have an exploratory night with yourself like “Wow, oh okay. I like, like a gentle touch or I like oh, I like being gripped.” When we know what we like, what our body responds to in different moods when we can articulate that, we can start helping our partners, be rock stars and we can start feeling better but a lot of times I think we’re like “Oh, you’re supposed to know” and I think there’s a lot of societal pressure that if you really loved me you know what I needed, if I didn’t even if I don’t know you’re going to teach you’re going to teach me. And I think that was a long time because women would often come to marriage as virgins and the man was supposed to have experience that if they literally didn’t know. There was no education, there was no
Reid: Yeah and they weren’t really even talking about the clit back then
Cathy: Yeah like
Reid: or vibrators or any [Inaudible 00:01:52]
Cathy: it wasn’t even in the medical journals at times
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: but like the more we’re not…thank God in that time anymore but there’s that side…side of like “I’m supposed to be innocent and pure and not know anything” and that’s sorry, bullshit like get a book, read you know Google stuff.
Reid: Why are you apologizing saying bullshit? We swear on this channel all the time.
Cathy: We do, we do.
Reid: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Cathy: [Laughing] No, but I mean like you know go out and
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: find stuff, discover it because we spend more time researching the daycare we’re going to go to or the car that we’re going to drive than we do understanding how our bodies work.
Reid: Where this becomes challenging is and I’m not saying that this question and thank you for sending in questions.
Cathy: Yeah we love them.
Reid: Please send us some questions. In this situation and where I was ending the second video or the first video because it was just getting long was make it a team project
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: to go discover things together but also don’t forget, you can nerd out and discover things on your own and you should spend time with yourself and your own like you should be having sex with yourself. You can have whatever beliefs you want to have about that, I’m just going to say if you’re looking if you’re looking at becoming like fully realized whatever that means, having more pleasure, more choice in your life with all the sex negativism and shame that’s heaped onto pleasure and…and it’s certainly like masturbation and whatnot in American culture maybe you grew up in a family or in a culture where it’s different probably not. Use taking some time to practice on yourself and just play, I think it’s just going to benefit you in all these other ways
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: and doing things together when you have somebody because not everybody has a partner, going on that adventure to discover the things that work for you individually and together as a couple when you know like doing that together is just a great way to like light up your brains and…and nerd out together and have a shared new project.
Cathy: Yes
Reid: Where….the…well, I’m going to hand it off to you because I want to…
Cathy: Well, I have I have some other thoughts but like I think knowing yourself like being responsible for your own turn-on and being responsible for how your body feels is really powerful. I’ve…I’ve read a number of books that talked about that we’re responsible for our own pleasure, our own our own experiences and it’s great if other people want to participate in that but owning our respons…responsibility about that, reclaiming that knowledge or finding the knowledge and…and then asking for what we want which is another topic. I’d like to come back to if you want to add anything to this but I’d like to talk about actually using our words because I think a lot of women especially are not good at, we’re not we’re taught to always be wowed by what our partner does.
Reid: Yeah and I’m going to say it’s not just women, it’s just people
Cathy: People in general
Reid: in general
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: in this day and age are still bad with their words around asking
Cathy: Yes so I’d like to come back and talk about that
Reid: Yeah, where…where I want to bring this video in from the landing is how you discover things for yourself? Just be mindful because the…the trap is you start you start thinking you’re doing more work on yourself than your partner which means you’re keeping tabs and that’s just going to be a dangerous, dangerous place because now it’s about you know keeping score and what’s fair and what’s equal
Cathy: And it’s really common for one partner to be much more interested in going down rather holes. I mean research person than the other person.
Reid: Sure and again like I wanted I want to make analogies for this to…to defuse it a little bit because I think a lot of people also they’re not aware of how charged sexuality is and how fraught it is from a culture perspective because it’s just all tangled up but you know if you enjoyed you know wine and your partner nerds out on wine like nerds out on it, what
Cathy: like
Reid: what I would do is to be like “Oh, I’m glad that wine nerdery is bringing you joy. Bring me your best wine.”
Cathy: Yeah, let me enjoy the final product in the research.
Reid: Yeah but if they’re like “How come you won’t go to all these wine tastings with me?”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: And you’re like “Well I…that’s not my jam but how can I help you get more joy and pleasure out of all the wine nerdery you’re doing
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: and then what can we bring back to us so that we have a like a share and celebration of benefit that isn’t about keeping tabs or score.”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: And this is going to be really tricky to try to apply this to sex because there’s all these little you know landmines hidden everywhere because we’re so fucked up as a culture around sexuality. So that was the piece I wanted to drop in.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Go practice on your own, try to do things together and do your best maybe you get a therapist, maybe you hire a coach or something like that maybe you hire Cathy, Cathy’s for hire. She’s expensive but worth it but the
Cathy: We both do coaching and there’s a number of really good coaches out there.
Reid: But…yeah but like how do you catch yourself when you’re keeping score and bring that you know have a conversation about that so because that’s not…unless you’re making a game out of keeping score
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: where that’s fun. Keeping score is…is the beginning of usually not a good situation
Cathy: Yeah. Well, you can also call yourself out like “Hey honey, I noticed I’m keeping smorgan. I just want to out myself”
Reid: I masturbated three times this week and I have no evidence that you’ve done it even once.
Cathy: What’s wrong with you?
Reid: You don’t love me. May those be your problems
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Alright, third…third video coming up.