How To Tell If Someone’s Telling You The Truth About Being In An Open Relationship Or Not?
Cathy: Have you ever wondered how to tell if someone is telling you the truth about being in an open relationship or not? One of our amazing viewers wrote in and said that they get this all the time sometimes I sense they’re not honest she said. Is there a subtle or not so subtle way to test to make sure that the person that stays here are free agent is actually a free agent. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and just you know I flew in to hang out with Cathy today and the Airlines lost my bags so all I have was my little suit bag so you get me in the tux today coz that’s all I got to wear. Cathy, how do you know? What’s the test?
Cathy: Part of it is I, you’re taking a risk with anybody because you can never guarantee someone’s telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There’s many shades of truth often like things could be yes and no at the same time but what I do is if there’s someone I’m really interested in and before I have sex with them and it doesn’t work really well for casual hook up in a play party or something but if I’m dating someone I insist of meeting their partner. I want to sit down and have dinner with them the three of us and make sure we talk verbally about what’s going on.
Reid: What if the partner doesn’t want to meet you?
Cathy: That does add complications likely I haven’t run on that so far so that hasn’t been a problem.
Reid: But what would you do?
Cathy: That would make it harder and sometimes you’re taking a risk I tried to be as thorough and has high integrity as I can for what I believe in which is that I don’t want to cheat have someone cheat. I want to have make sure that everyone is on the same page but anytime someone said I don’t want to tell my partner I need to keep this secret, I don’t want to go there coz I don’t want that drama in my life. But it is it’s hard to tell part of it is looking how much integrity they have in other ways and getting to know them deciding how fast you want to dive in, how quickly.
Reid: Well so, I answered this question with Stella Harris who does Poly coaching amd kink coaching up in Oregon and it is like you kindda trust people and how do you that people and more importantly so for me there’s the okay you’re lying like you’re married, your wife doesn’t know or your husband doesn’t know then there’s you’re lying about being Poly because you’re really monogs but maybe you’re trying Poly and you misrepresented that you’re great in Poly, right? So there could be all kind of levels like lying versus levels of experience and some people getting nervous and what if want to presents that their good about this thing even if when they’re just starting out.
Cathy: Oh I’ve done Poly a lot while actually this is my first Poly date.
Reid: So there’s I’ve been reading about this Poly for three years, right? So there’s like transparency around lies, there’s transparency around experience, right? So there’s like and then there’s like you lied because you embarrass to tell them the real truth like what kind of lies were you talking about? Are you deceiving your wife or your husband versus I fibbed that I’m experienced in Poly or that I say I’m Poly but really my husband cheated on me and so we’re kindda were in an open relationship like I guess it’s really like you don’t know when people are lying and then when people are lying what kind of lies are they telling you and where is a good fit for you?
Cathy: Finding out, you kind of thinking about when does it matter to you? In what level, if someone lied to you and they were in an open relationship and then you found out would that be devastating toy your self-esteem and your identity and that case may be taking slower and getting better feels about the person versus I asked I verbally gotten and answer, I trusted the person to use their words they lied to me I feel like I did my best I could and I’m not going to beat up for the rest of my life about it so, what is the impact on you about the individual choices you’re making and what they might be telling the truth about?
Reid: For you know the record, if you don’t know about this on me already I’ve grew up in the family were one of my parents lied for a lot of different reasons so I have no lying policy around and what I mean by lying is if you would hold information for your gain and my detriment were you tell me something not true for your gain and my detriment that’s the kind of lie that just were over you can’t recover from that versus I surprise you with a question and you just lied.
Cathy: If you clean it up quickly.
Reid: Because if you clean it up then for me you and got to set your own levels and when there’s work for you but where this work for you but if like if you clean something up you promised that were going to go and see this movie together an you forgot and you went with somebody else and I’m like oh so you’re going to see such and such and then you’re like and you’re like you haven’t seen it, have you? And you’re like NO I haven’t seen it and then you clean it up that’s a different kind of lie. Although if that was a really good movie was that really for your gain and my detriment? So it’s interesting I mean its interesting question, how do you check to verify if somebody’s partner or secondaries or whatever are okay? Like I said in the video with Stella I’m like can you get them on the phone? Like let me ask them…
Cathy: Or an email or something.
Reid: So again there’s no right or wrong answer but there’s also kind of way for you to orient like what makes you feel good about yourself and also doesn’t have to worrying on the third date if they’ve been lying to you for the whole time and I know some people who gotten seriously burned in monogamous relationships as well with people lying in relationship. Leave your comments on what are your thoughts on all of this?
Cathy: How do you do it?