Ever heard of the Appreciation Sandwich? Using this can help you give feedback and suggestions AND gently and clearly ask for upgrades.
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Do you like sandwiches? How about an appreciation sandwich? This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Appreciation sandwich was taught to me by Leon Silver who has several websites, RedefiningMonogamy.com is the one that I would send you to. The appreciation sandwich which exists in a lot of different other places, called different things, is the idea of complimenting somebody as like a bread, a slice of bread, and then making your request or your upgrade for something, behavior, or something in the relationship, or whatnot. Then putting another appreciation slice underneath it so you have a sandwich.
Cathy: It doesn’t come across just critical or judging like, “Why don’t you ever do that?”
Reid: Yeah. Basically if your in bed with somebody and maybe they’re being too rough with your genitals you’d be like, “Honey, I love that you’re down there, oh my God, and could you use a little less pressure right now and maybe use your fingertips with the tip of your tongue and thank you so much, that’s good. We’re doing good now. I so appreciate you and you as a lover.” Again, boom, appreciation sandwich.
What would be an appreciation sandwich example from you?
Cathy: I tend to have less, like I use them at work with people. When you have a request, like, “Could you not eat your really fishy, nasty, smelling food and then leave it in the trash” comes across kind of mean. You can say, “Wow, it’s so great that you cook everyday. I think it’s wonderful that you bring your lunch. I did notice that you haven’t been picking up the trash so often. Would it be possible for you to put your trash in the big trash can. By the way, that presentation you made last week was fantastic.” It’s less, “Hey dude, you suck.”
Reid: Because I’m really sensitive to smells and great job on the presentation at work.
Cathy: So you don’t come across just as criticizing and they’re just left like, “Ohh.”
Reid: Honey, thank you so much for being my support system and my little love warrior. I’m having a really hard day and my bandwidth is at a max right now. Could you help me and take out the trash for me. Thank you again, thank you so much for just being in my life.”
Cathy: You want to be genuine about your appreciation. You don’t want to manipulate people, but it can be a really nice way to help people hear you and feel appreciated at the same time and help them look forward to talking to you rather than, “Oh, there that person comes. I might get yelled at again.”
Reid: What’s an example of an appreciation sandwich that you can come up and leave it below. If you read somebody’s appreciation sandwich that works really well for you in your life, just copy and paste it.
Cathy: Nice.
Reid: Bye.