How can you be better at flirting?
Join Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as she asks sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com how to improve flirtation skills and connect with more people, and have fun doing it!
The link for Reid’s Speed Flirting Top Ten Tips is:
Follow up video on The Innuendo Game is here:
Cathy: Hey everyone, I’m Cathy Vartuli fromTheIntimacyDojo.com and this is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. Reid, I don’t consider myself a good flirt. What can I do to be a better flirt?
Drink coffee? Does that help? (laughing)
Reid: Mmm hmm.
Cathy: (laughing) We’re going to scare them away.
Reid: Oh no… They’re riveted… (sips coffee)
Cathy: (laughing) So you have an article on speed flirting?
Reid: Mmm hmm.
Cathy: Uh-huh. (laughing) You’re so funny.
Reid: Alright, speed flirting! (laughter) Don’t be a jackass like Reid, you’ll have much better luck! (laughter) Ok, speed flirting was a workshop that I created, to just give people permission to be playful and interactive with people and invite them to be playful back.
Cathy: Mmm hmm.
Reid: So my definition, first off, about flirting is that it’s not this big heavy romantic thing. And it doesn’t have to lead anywhere.
Cathy: So I don’t have to learn to batt my lashes and look up at you?
Reid: I mean you can, but I would only use that as a total dork, cheeseball way of flirting.
Cathy: Yeah, those books have never felt right to me, they always felt very manipulative.
Reid: But body language is a weird fuzzy area to try to get into. And I’m a big geek on clarity of communication.
Cathy: Mmm Hmm.
Reid: Because, one, if I misread your mind, oh my God, you know, I could totally screw things up. But the idea that what I’m actually doing with flirting is creating an interaction that’s playful, and inviting you to play back.
Cathy: And being authentic, rather than pretending to be a certain way.
Cathy: Counting how long you look down.
Reid: Yeah, I mean, there’s certainly a way to do that.
Reid: But you have to recognize what you’re doing is, you’re playing. And people make flirting way too serious, which is not playful, so there’s no flirt. It’s like you’re going right for the seduction thing, and it’s not playful. It can be really confronting. And so what I invite people to do – actually, which is really kind of dorky – is be really up front with people, and be like, “Do you mind if I flirt with you?”
Reid: And most people would be like, “What?” And you’re like, “I would like to flirt with you. May I flirt with you? And you’re invited to flirt with me back. Maybe we could try this for the next two minutes. How would that sound?”
Cathy: Wow. So what about people that aren’t quite ready to… I mean, it’s a great idea, but for those of us that aren’t quite ready to walk up to someone and ask if they can flirt?”
Reid: I mean, now all of a sudden you’re like, from the back of the room, you’re just kinda like… (making a face) …which just looks like something’s wrong with your face.
Cathy: Right. But you can be playful…
Reid: You can be shy.
Cathy: You don’t have to actually specify that you’re going to flirt with them, and you can still be playful with them.
Reid: Yeah, but I’m… I mean, this is my radical, weird advice. Being playful… Even if you and I…in the beginning of this, right?
Cathy: Uh huh.
Reid: I’m being playful.
Reid: You know that I’m being playful.
Reid: And then if I feel like you had this weird reaction…
Cathy: Like I was ready to run out the door?
Reid: I could say “Hey, I’m being playful – (whispers) come back.”
Reid: You know, now that sounds really confronting. But the piece there, is that you just need to work on your anxiety around breaking the ice.
Reid: People are either going to want to play or not. Some people won’t know what to do, because no one’s ever invited them to play. Or they have weird baggage around flirting, like, “What’s this supposed to mean?” In which case you say….
Cathy: I mean you’re not a good person if you can’t flirt, like you’re not a sexy person.
Reid: Yeah. And take the whole performance piece of flirting, and throw it out the door please. That’s like giving a bunch of kids toys and saying, “You’re not allowed to play bad.” All of our American anxiety, and just cultural ‘over achievingness’ has seeped into flirting, which is why no one’s doing it, because no one’s having fun. So make it fun, ask people if they would like to play.
Cathy: Mmm hmm.
Reid: If you see them… If you don’t want to be like me and say, “Hey, may I flirt with you?” And I do that mostly because I’m so energetic. You know? I’m the golden retriever on espresso. I don’t want people to freak out, that this big golden retriever is bounding towards them.
Cathy: (laughter) … licking their face.
Reid: Yeah. So I warn them. “Hey, you know, I’m feeling flirty.”
Reid: “Would you like to flirt with me?” For those of you who don’t have to worry about the big golden retriever thing, initiate being playful. Give them good cues to be playful back. If they don’t get it immediately, say, “Hey, I’m being playful. Flirt back with me.”
Reid: If they still don’t get it, that’s your answer – that you shouldn’t be flirting with them, because they didn’t get it quick enough.
Cathy: So you can go and play with someone else.
Reid: Yeah. Imagine flirting is like Frisbee. You’re in the park, you have a Frisbee. You wave your frisbee at somebody who’s like 30 yards away. They stop, and you’re like…
Reid: …and they’re like…
Reid: You don’t just whip it at their head.
Cathy: No, no.
Reid: But if they’re like… You know you start off tentatively, and if they throw it back, and then you start playing.
Reid: Flirting is so much like that. But we make it this live or die thing.
Cathy: Yeah. If I’m bad at it, then I’m just this horrible person. I should live in a cave somewhere.
Cathy: And most people like to be invited to play. Most people want to be more outgoing than they are. And you said that you give them cues to know that you’re playing, and how to play back.
Cathy: What kind of cues do you give them? (laughter)
Reid: You can be like “Hi…” You can be like… (laughter) No, that could just look weird. Mostly it’s vocal intonations, it’s conscious use of body language, the unconscious is always going to be going on. So you can be totally into somebody and just be like… (laughing) ….then be embarrassed. (laughter) And then like… (laughing harder) And, you’re always going to have that going on. But you can be very flirty with your voice.
Reid: Be very inviting, you know how you elongate words.
Reid: Make sounds. If you feel embarrassed or dorky, immediately come up to them and be like “I feel really embarrassed and dorky, and I still want to play with you.” You know? Or if you feel anxious, like if things really start to get heated, like you actually make a connection, and somebody’s like, “Alright…”
Reid: “What do you got?” And you’re like, “Oh! the tingleys!”
Cathy: (laughing more)
Reid: I’m feeling the tingleys! You know? Breathe (inhale), breathe in that anxious rush, because that’s fun. It’s the bicycles going too fast but exciting fun.
Reid: And then just reinvite them. And be like “Wow, I’m feeling really kind of anxious.”
Reid: We’re going to shoot another video right after this, and I’m going to teach you a game called Innuendo. And that’s going to be the game, but we’re at like almost seven and a half minutes, so look for Innuendo! Come back!