Want your partner to change and think shame might help? Will it improve your relationship?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: So Reid and I were just listening to Brene Brown talking about shame and I thought there was really interesting too bit that I wanted to share and talk about with you guys. This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: And Brene Brown is amazing if you haven’t listen to her
Reid: Check other TED talks and things like that. Read her books.
Cathy: Yeah! So, we were listening to while driving I picked him up for a work weekend and were listening to worthiness. Men and Women and Worthiness, it’s a cd. And she was talking about how shame when people are shame they won’t talk about it. And I thought that was really important. In our society we tend to shame people trying to get and to change behavior. Or to be better people. And she was saying if someone does something they feel guilty about, if they feel like they did something wrong, they will often go home and talk to like… if this little kid felt like the teachers scolded her and it’s the example she is. If the little kid felt guilty like I did something wrong
Reid: Cheat on my homework.
Cathy: Right! When the teacher was really… in an example she is a teacher being really shamed like really over the top. And the little kids are people that are like, “Wow it was really over the top” they’ll go home and talk to their parents and “Hey Mrs. Smith was really mean to me. I know I didn’t do this right but she was like…” you have to talk about the problem. Whereas on people if a little girl felt shame like she was a bad person, then she would never talk about it. Like she would never tell her mother that someone had been really mean to her or get solids or comfort. So I thought it was really important. Like there’s so much shame in our society and I love the work you do on reducing shame and sexuality in a relationships and authenticity you really do a great work. And it was just like a powerful way to look at like it’s,,, we don’t want people to lose their place. We don’t like people to be unable to talk about the issue they’re facing and they get help. Because we never going to change if we walked out of shame and feel frozen. Whereas if we shame people and teach them go to shame, teach them as bad people
Reid: Then teach them for good.
Cathy: Yah! And I see a lot of times in the relationships. Romantic relationships and with children there’s a lot of shaming going back and forth. And if people want to have opened – not necessarily openly.
Reid: And the shaming to back and forth just to distinction doesn’t have to become from other people. It’s how you shamed yourself. And the idea of guilt means you did something wrong. Shame means you are wrong. There’s something wrong with you. And I mean, having listening her talk like oh yeah it easier to admit that you fucked up. Admit that you’re fucked up. And it usual for you all know it’s not all about yourself and then noticing that you have people in your life that aren’t coming forth and talking about stuff is that they feel ashamed and can you create a space for them where you recognize, “Oh you’re not a bad person like you’re feeling ashamed about this. I get shamed piece and you realized you’re not evil. You’re not bad.”
Cathy: Yeah! Letting people know and creating space where people can share. One of the way she said to defeat shame was to expose it to the light like basically talk about it.
Reid: Intentional, vulnerability is powerful, powerful thing. I talked about my shame and stuff all the time and people like you have shame and I’m like, “None of you don’t have shame?” I track it for living like a game hunter.
And that for me is fun like I’m weird like that. “Oh my God, I’m feeling ashamed. I’m going to walk towards it and start talking to the people round me about what I am feeling which for me has been really really powerful and takes the power out of the shame and still feels horrible but now I geek out on it and it doesn’t ruined me and it silence me all the time. I’m human I always speak up! But on a good day I speak up and I’m normal as when my friends around me and that’s okay to feel ashamed and talk about it. And then they often tell me I am a good person but then they started telling me when things are… while on them I get to reinforce that they are good people. And so now we are always talking about stuff and I can get easier over time.
Cathy: So, if you’re interested in having a really clear communication and sharing between people. Notice that if you have any shame… like I was brought up in a family that shamed a lot. So I still catch myself every once in a while. And if there’s thing you can do to help people share and get out of shame you’ll create more powerful relationships
Reid: There you go! What do you think? What do you think about shame and guilt things like that? Comments. Leave them below.
Cathy: That’s an interesting face.