How Do You Know When A Sexual Invitation Is Welcomed or Awkward?

by Reid on September 23, 2018

How Do You Know When A Sexual Invitation Is Welcomed or Awkward?




Cathy: How do you know when sexual invitation is welcomed and when it would feel intrusive? This Reid Mihalko from

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from

Cathy: And I think we all have times whether we did this or someone else did this were they were kinda hinting it or asking for sexual connection when it wasn’t even in the cards. And I can feel really weird and awkward and I’d like to avoid that if I can help it.

Reid: The weird and awkward?

Cathy: I don’t like to ask people for something that is like, they’re like no. I like to be in tuned and I have people asked me for something that so out left field that it didn’t feel like, it felt very uncomfortable to me.

Reid: Okay.

Cathy: So, I’m curious how can you tell when you’re you and other people are lying about something? And particular around sexual expression?

Reid: Well in my experience is that you can’t tell. So, even when you think you can tell, you may be wrong. There been plenty of times when people are flirting with me and I thought there were making sexual advances and my protocols is to ask for clarity coz I just assumed I’m making a wrong call and I misinterpreting the situation.

Cathy: What if there are people that are not totally not flirting with you and you think that you’re not tuned it to that and then you talk about negotiating sex with them, in a way that implies that you just assumed that they’re aligned for that.

Reid: Well, again my advice in all this stuff is gonna be counter what probably most everything culture telling you to do coz my principles or foundation of believes are that culture shifted enough the “old advice” like he’s not that into you or the rules. Those books aren’t that’s old advice in the same way that you wouldn’t use, you wouldn’t try to fix your computer the same way you would fix the steam engine, if that makes sense. The societal dynamics have shifted and no one is giving you the new manual so it gets weird that’s the purpose for what am about to say. When in doubt and even when not in doubt ask, be explicit and be like “hey, I would like to move this in the sexual place, is that okay with you? Yes or no? Would you like that as well, yes or no? And I’m always trying to practice for me I’m not perfect always about this but I’m always trying to practice like asking people, yes or no at the end of it.

Cathy: I have a question about this and I’m trying like something that I noticed and get more articular about it. I may not always be super good but say if you’re just talking to someone and there’s been no obvious touch or flirtation would you just come out and say “hey, would like to go this in sexual direction?” like you’re talk…

Reid: You can but so…

Cathy: To me it’s not always appropriate like if you’re talking to the grocery clerk you probably wouldn’t just…

Reid: Well you need a certain kind of relatedness, right?

Cathy: How do you tell when you reach that relatedness?

Reid: You ask. This is why it sounds so weird but for me as cisgendered extroverted slutty white guy, for me to do ever assume by the laws and rules of feminism, it’s dicey. And if I scared the other personal way by speaking what’s going on if you become so awkward as to ruin the moment. That is the best thing I could have done compassionately and kindly because it wasn’t supposed to happen.

Cathy: So you’re amazingly good at building relatedness with people and I think subconsciously you may have certain signals you’re looking for before you would asked that kind of a question. And so I’m trying to dig deeper a little bit like how do we know when to bring like I was just in a, I know you’re laughing but I think there is coz I’ve seen you’re actually very suave about this.

Reid: I tell you, I can answer the questions it’s gonna similar to the same answer. I’m gonna keep giving.

Cathy: There is something more, Okay. I was just in a event were completely out of the blue someone talked about negotiating sex with me in another person.

Reid: Yeah, with you and another person.

Cathy: Right and were both like. It was just incredibly awkward because there been no flirtation, there have been no I think like partly because we’re both sex educators. This person is kinda assumed were available for sex and it’s just there’s no relatedness and it just felt very uncomfortable. And I think when you do it there are science or things you look for that indicate a relatedness and I’m curious how you do that.

Reid: So this is a question of relatedness then you’re legoing it to not lego last, habit guy.

Cathy: He’s really hot.

Reid: But connecting it to oh so the relatedness is what allows me to ask people if they wanna have sex and it’s not weird.

Cathy: Right, like you wouldn’t walk up to the grocery clerk and say you doing such a great job bagging the groceries, would you like to make this move to sexual arena? Like there’s not a relatedness there.

Reid: Yes and there are ways to create relatedness quickly and I assume that were gonna shoot a video right after this about that. However, if you’re a musician and somebody came up to you and say “hey, would you like to jam? “ Would you? Would it be awkward there?

Cathy: Perhaps if, like if you talk about country western versus a classical people or it might be that I don’t have a connection, I don’t think you’re actually good at music.

Reid: But would you be offended?

Cathy: I think if there’s a presumption that I would jam with them the way they approach would be certain. Coz lots of people asked me about sex and I’m no but not kind of uncomfortable. But this like we should negotiate this…

Reid: And as a sex educator if somebody came up to you and say “hey, would you like to talk about sex education, would that be awkward or would you be offended?

Cathy: No.

Reid: Why?

Cathy: I might not be a yes but I loved talking about it and I’m willing to talk about to people wherever there at.

Reid: So for you around people approaching you for sex you need something else.

Cathy: We’re both uncomfortable, me and my friend.

Reid: Just because two people aren’t comfortable doesn’t mean, you have agreement, great. Now I have another person who’s uncomfortable. Does the situation is accurate? I mean it’s…

Cathy: It was just. There was no connection and also no interest and neither of us had giving no interest were just having a conversation like very generic things. And out of the blue it was just like and with the assumption that we were obviously available we just have to talk about it before we did.

Reid: Where is the assumption that you’re obviously available?

Cathy: By the way it was express.

Reid: Okay. So if somebody ask you for, this is great were having an argument. If somebody ask you to talk about sex, there’s an assumption that you would want to talk about sex?

Cathy: Or usually people say, would you be interested in talking about this topic? For my store and then…

Reid: So this person didn’t say, would you be interested having sex always?

Cathy: No. He was talking about we would have to negotiate have doing this particular act and we were like we never indicate…

Reid: But that was true you would have to negotiate if you were going to have it.

Cathy: The way it was said and the energy about it was definitely like that was something we can do and we just have to do that. And my concern I might like I try to be very present and [in audible] because I nerve want to make other people uncomfortable especially that way. And I’m trying to dig in coz you’re seem to have a very good “instinct” for when to bring that up and ask. And not that you always get yeses but you’re not making people uncomfortable about it.

Reid: Well I probably make all kinds of people uncomfortable or maybe they’re uncomfortable by just watching this video.

Cathy: Leave a comment below. Are you uncomfortable?

Reid: So we’ll have to come back in another video coz this one is getting close to 10 minutes and we like to keep them shorter. We’re gonna come back and talk about ways to know when you built enough relatedness which is going to be for those who don’t come back to the next video asked “hey, do you feel that we’re connected enough right now for me to actually ask you about sexual things?”

Cathy: And I’m wondering that timing of that.

Reid: Exactly there is no timing other than don’t lead with that question immediately or toddle tell it in yourself and say “hey, just so you know I wanna have a conversation with you so that I don’t occurred you as a strange” then I ask you if it’s okay for me to flirt or hid on you. And again relatedness happens to be a lot about revealing your agenda if when you have one. And understanding that revealing the truth for most people gets them in a weird place you know because no one does it.

Cathy: I absolutely grow with that part. We’ll be right back. Leave comments below. Do you like it when we fight?

Reid: Did you watch it until the end?


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