How Do You Add Kink Into A Relationship That Maybe Wasn’t Kinky? With Stella Harris

by Reid on December 25, 2018

How Do You Add Kink Into A Relationship That Maybe Wasn’t Kinky? With Stella Harris

 

 

Reid: How do you add kink into a relationship that maybe wasn’t kinky? I’m here with Stella Harris from http://www.StellaHarris.net/. A romance and intimacy and kinky educator. And I’m Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/. Stella..

Stella: Reid..

Reid: Give us some advice because I’m not really kinky. I teach about sex for nice folks workshop because I have kinky friends who want me to do kinky things to them but you are somebody who identifies as kinky.

Stella: I do.

Reid: Okay. That was good.

Stella: I identify as kinky.

Reid: [Inaudible 00:00:36]

Stella: I identify as all of those things. No, I’m very out as all of those things. And in my experience, rough sex is kind of vanilla coat for kink. I think a lot of the same things happen in rough sex as happen in kink and it’s a matter of deciding how you self-identify. So, you know, hair pulling, rough body play, any of that, you can call rough sex, you can call it kink. It’s totally up to you. I feel like, sometimes, what defines kink more is when you’re naming it and you have a category for it. You have a space to go for education. And, another thing that tends to define is when people are having the conversations around consent, around negotiation and some vanilla sexual encounters. You know, some might start pulling your hair without asking first and when it’s in kink contacts and people who have gone to some classes, you’ve done some reading around kink, they tend to know to ask first or negotiate first to make sure they know a person’s limits and their wants before they just dive in and try things.

Reid: So, it’s like during love making just don’t start pulling your partner’s hair to hope that everything goes well.

Stella: Ideally, not. I think I know people feel like asking or talking during sex can be awkward but I think having bad sex or crossing someone’s boundaries has a whole lot more awkward than take a moment to ask. So, having those conversations in advance ideally when you’re not even in the bedroom, not negotiating naked, doing at a coffee shop, doing it by text message, doing it when sex is not inevitable so you don’t feel like you’re in a rush to get to the things. It’s easier to have those conversations and arousal models the brain a little bit so doing it outside that feels contact when you’re thinking totally clearly and you don’t have to think totally clearly when you’re in the middle of having fun.

Reid: And for people who maybe aren’t good at talking about these things yet, because maybe they just haven’t explored enough to have words, right? Coz that’s a big thing in sex in general is when you’re trying to explore the things you’ve never explored before, there’s a good chance that you can have good vocabulary in English is not the good vocabulary for nuance discussions about pleasure. What’s the good resource or books, a couple of it pop into your head that would be good for beginners?

Stella: Sure. So, when I teach classes about this, one of the things I cover is how do you ask what you want when you don’t know what you want. One great resource for that is something that’s know as Yes-No-Maybe list. You can download that on my website.

Reid: Okay. Give me the link. Give me the link. This is good!

Stella: http://www.StellaHarris.net/ under the resources you can find the Yes-No-Maybe list.

Reid: Okay. So, here’s what we are going to do, this is going to be exciting. We’re going to keep this video short coz this is a longer question so come back for the next video. We’ll talk more about the books and the resources coz I want to give us time for that one.

Stella: Okay.

Reid: Okay? But http://www.StellaHarris.net/- resources – Yes-No-Maybe list, come back for the next video with Stella and we’ll dive into books and things like that for beginners. Ready set, leave a comment!

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