How Do I Build Great Connection To Actually Initiate Sex? | Part 1

by Reid on December 13, 2020

How Do I Build Great Connection To Actually Initiate Sex? | Part 1

 

 

 

 

 

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “One of my problems is that I tend not to ask for, initiate or even accept sex with women. I’m good at creating connection and actually I’m very interested in having sex with women, taking to the next step is something that I’m now working on. I got your…your dating your species product and that’s what I’m diving into but do you have some suggestions in taking it from building this great connection to actually initiating sex? What do I do?”

I am here with Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/ and

Reid: I’m with Cathy Vartuli of http://theintimacydojo.com/. Great question

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Great question. I mean it sounds really stupid or simple and sometimes really simple advice

Cathy: Isn’t good.

Reid: is doesn’t mean it’s easy to implement but it’s…talk about it like the way you initiate sex is “Hey, I would like to initiate sex with you. Can you give me any tips or what might that look like?”

Cathy: Do you have any more grad because when I think about saying it that way I’m like “Ih!”

Reid: Yeah, I’m just telling you work up to that because that’s that is literally for as a dude and I think the person who wrote this wrote in is also…is a dude, there are so there are so many things when you know that when you know how to build relatedness which means you’re not asking the checkout person at the grocery store you know

Cathy: “Are you going with me?”

Reid: “I would like to…I would like to initiate sex with you” like so the stuff doesn’t come out of left field.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Right? So as a nerd, what that means is “Hey, I would like to have a conversation with you or initiate a conversation but I’m worried it might totally come out of left field because I don’t know if we’re on the same page. So would you be willing for me to start a conversation or bring up something that might be totally out of left field and will you just let me know if it’s out of left field or…or am I at least in the ballpark?”

Cathy: What would you do because I like knowing this kind of things, what would you do if you said that and the person’s like “Oh no, no we’re just friends” like what are you thinking?

Reid: Well, how do you know what I’m about to say?

Cathy: Well no

Reid: ‘coz I haven’t said it yet.

Cathy: you said it earlier

Reid: Yeah but like…like…like actually role play with me the actual situation, right?

Cathy: Ready guys?

Reid: So, there’s this…everything I just said about I want to make sure it might be a surprise, it might come out of left field

Cathy: Do I have spinach on my teeth?

Reid: No

Cathy: Okay, okay yeah okay go ahead

Reid: So, have you…. now this is me riffing have you ever thought about me erotically or intimately like from a sexy, sexy place?

Cathy: Okay, so I’m going to answer a couple different ways in order to see how you react

Reid: Okay

Cathy: so hold that question, everyone. No

Reid: Okay, great. So the thing I was about to suggest would probably come out of left field and thank you for telling me no because I…I want to make sure we’re on the same page.

Cathy: Okay, I thought we’re just friends

Reid: Okay.

Cathy: Okay so he handles it really well not everybody handles it that gracefully

Reid: but like

Cathy: he’s practiced a lot too

Reid: but I’m at the same time I’m like awesome like how…how useful for me not to hit on this person right now?

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: because we’re just friends.

Cathy: I think a lot of people are afraid that that person now there’ll be a distance or the like their connection will go away.

Reid: I mean maybe but again like this is the thing, did you develop feelings for this person or did you always know that you wanted to sleep with them and you just haven’t told them yet because now if they think that if they think you’re friends and for you you’ve…you’ve always had some sort of erotic agenda or hope it doesn’t have to be an agenda, right? And sometimes you don’t know what it was there until it reveals itself so it wasn’t even an agenda it’s just like “Holy shit like I’m attracted to you” but again if you didn’t want…if you wanted to always be more than friends and now you have confirmation because you started broaching the subject that they just want to be friends, now you have to have a conversation about that.

Cathy: Yeah and I think for some people like you hang out with pretty sex-positive people and they’re like “No that’s you know no, I haven’t” or “Yeah, that’s great let’s [Inaudible 00:04:29].” I think for a lot of people, excuse me in the….too much Baileys in the coffee, people out in the…the normal world to the average the muggle world, the people that are not in the sex geek world there’s

Reid: Well, that’s not you. You’re one of us

Cathy: no you’re watching this video obviously, you’re pretty sex-positive and you’re savvy. I think that there’s a fear and I’ve had this before if someone expresses an interest that it’s going to be really uncomfortable, they’re going to be kind of creepy and trying to get at me or if I ask someone else and they’re not a yes, they’re going to be like pulling away and leaving and a lot of people you know like I don’t want people that I’ve gotten to know and like to just like be uncomfortable around me. So how would you handle that?

Reid: I believe the technical term is being a grown-up and I know that this is different for everybody but we have the ability to handle complex situations and for people not to get what they want and still be nice to each other.

Cathy: A lot

Reid: They’re

Cathy: I think my concern is that a lot of people are not very adult around sex and rejection or negative like response can leave people feeling very like a three-year-old who didn’t get the candy they wanted.

Reid: Got it.

Cathy: So

Reid: Hang out with people who aren’t like that. I’m and again and this is a simple advice that isn’t necessarily easy

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: a lot of people’s relationship and even friendship woes can be alleviated by picking people who…who if they have a three-year-old reaction, have all the tools to handle it themselves.

Cathy: And if you just kind of act normal around them will often people will just go “Oh okay, it’s okay.”

Reid: You’re like “Okay like I see you having feels”

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: but like I’m capable of being attracted to somebody and not

Cathy: jumping that you’re trying to get in their pants.

Reid: Or like yeah like maybe I’m hurt because I have a crush on you and I should have told you sooner but okay I can own that

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: and what are we talking about now with what is friendship for you actually mean and then what is friendship for you mean?

Cathy: Yeah, what are your boundaries here?

Reid: like now you have a conversation about friendship

Cathy: Yeah or even owning “I um I might feel a little awkward because that…I felt vulnerable asking that. I’m really glad you had your no.”

Reid: Yeah, thank you so much.

Cathy: Yeah, should we come back with another video to role model that if someone suggests that?

Reid: Yeah, we’ll going to do that because this videos getting to be…we try to keep them under 8 minutes when we can so come back for the part 2.

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