A lot of people feel that they don’t fit in. But there are some simple steps that you can take to help you start being part of the group a little bit faster.
Cathy: Reid and I both run events and we have people asking “How can I fit in with a group and start forming friendships faster?” This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: And this is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Do you feel like you don’t fit in?
Reid: I don’t fit in.
Cathy: Aww. The sad thing is, a lot of people feel that way. They don’t feel like they fit in. And there’s some simple steps that you can take to help you start being part of the group a little bit faster. One, I like to tell, I use Reid’s example actually, I tell people that I’m a little shy. I might tell the host or hostess that “I’m kind of shy. Would you be willing to introduce me to people?”
Reid: That would be nice, thank you.
Cathy: And most people are really glad to help out. They might hand you off to a cuddle caddy, a cuddle party, or someone else, but they’ll start helping you meet people. I also love, I went to Al Anon years ago and got so much from it…I’m really shy and my sponsor said “Show up ten minutes before the actual event starts.” Don’t show up ten minutes before they open the door, because that’s rude. But make sure you show up before actually the, you know, while people are settling in. And she said “Stay ten minutes after, offer to help, always say hello to the host if you can, and thank them at the end.”
Cathy: So, those simple tasks, that was so hard for me to do because I wanted to get there right as it was started because it was hard enough for me just to be there. But getting there ten minutes early, I offered to help, I set up some chairs. People were asking me where stuff was because I was helping set up chairs and they figured I knew. So I started building a connection. And I didn’t bolt out the door even though I wanted to at the end of the event. And I got to talk, I tried to talk to one person each time I was there.
Cathy: It made a huge difference and I see people all the time that go to their very first event and they feel out of place, they don’t know anyone and they never come back.
Cathy: And the problem is, you don’t build relationships. They see everybody else chatting and having a great time not realizing that most of those people have come five, six, seven, twenty times.
Reid: Yeah. The other thing you can do if you’re helping create these events is, and I’m borrowing this from Tristan Teramino because I saw her do it first, is take little pieces of ribbon to the events and make shy bracelets. That way the shy people know who they are.
Cathy: Yeah, and they’ll congregate.
Reid: And then the extroverts like me get to see the people who are shy and will often go up to them and be like “Hey, how are you doing?” It’s a way of cuing the extroverts who’s not extroverted so that we can go up and say hello to them. There’s also a great book called “Quiet” that’s about introversion and extroversion. You might want to read it because it’s got some really great information.
Reid: To let you know that you’re not broken.
Cathy: Yes. Realize if you go to an event for the first time, whatever it is, and you feel like you don’t fit in, there’s nothing wrong. Almost everybody feels that way when they go to something new.
Reid: Yep. I’m an extrovert and I still feel like a freak. But it’s also because I’m a freak.
Cathy: We love you anyway.
Cathy: Yeah. So be gentle with yourself and keep showing up to the events that you really like with the people that you like and you’ll make friends over time. Most people don’t make friends instantly.
Reid: Mmhmm. Leave comments below. What tips and tricks have worked for you for those of you who always feel not a part of the crowd. Bye.