First Time To Be In A Threesome With Partner, How Do You Not Feel Jealous?
Cathy: How do you not feel jealous or insecure if you have a threesome and your partner is with another woman for the first time?
Reid: Or another man? Oohh..
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from the http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/
Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/
Reid: How do you know?
Cathy: How do you not be jealous or insecure? Partly you may not be able to be that, I think our society sometimes teaches us that if we feel insecure or jealous there’s something wrong and jealousy is an indication that there’s something missing or something needed. Insecure means that you don’t feel secure, that’s okay if you’re doing something new, you might feel all of those things, you don’t always know if you’ve never been hiking before you don’t necessarily know what to pack with you, you might have needs while you’re out packing you know hiking for the first time and I love that you shared in another video about take it slow, you don’t have to go in a 20-mile hike.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: The first time, you can go out like a short hike and go like wow, I should have brought better shoes or bought another bottle of water. Okay and the next time I’ll be a little more prepared.
Reid: Yeah and when it comes to group sex because so many people fantasize about it but and don’t think it will ever happen when the opportunity shows up, when you create the opportunity for yourself, it feels like this is the only opportunity ever so we must hike 20 miles into the mountains at night. No, slow down, take a little day trip, come back, you know build up your your experience and then you can you know by all means hike 20 miles.
Cathy: Yeah. The first time we tie our shoes, like most of us don’t think of it anymore we just tie our shoes, but the first time, first 20 times we did it we probably felt very insecure and not sure we had everything we needed so.
Reid: And it’s okay for your shoe to come untied in the middle of your day
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: And then you stop, you pause and check in with everybody
Cathy: Grab an ear.
Reid: And then and then you tie it up again to get nice and tight, so sometimes you have to check your shoelace, wow this is going in that direction. Check you’re the shoelaces of your threesomes ladies and gentlemen, check em everyone’s be like, everybody good, everybody still want to be here? Alright! Let’s go, keep going.
Cathy: Reid has a great program on jealousy as well, The 8-armed Octopus of Jealousy, I really recommend that you listen to that whether you’re having threesomes or not, it’s a really powerful course but one of the things that I love that you talk about is just it means needs are not getting met and if you know what your love languages are, you know what your needs are often, then it’s easier to preload things so that you can like, okay honey, I really like to try this with you, we’ve worked out what our agreements are and I think that’s really specific like you know, the person whatever it is, the person can’t spend the night and they you know, we need them to leave after an hour, after the, we play with them or whatever just so and we’re going to spend an hour just decompressing together holding each other when we get to have our feelings that we get to process it whatever that is and knowing your love languages and how you get those, whatever needs filled up, you’ve probably experienced jealousy in other times most humans have and the things that come up in it with a threesome were probably just the same kind of patterns as you have other times, just maybe more intense.
Reid: Yeah and it’s okay to call a timeout, pause a threesome and have a check in or let people know like hey, I’m feeling a little bit jealous, I have some needs. Can we just take a timeout, it’s okay for those things to happen, you just never see them happen in porn.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Because porn you know it, it’s like a racecar movie, you never see a flat happen and then they change the tire and they start racing again, so in porn you never see things go wrong.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: For the most part, so it that’s not realistic, it’s okay to call a timeout and be like, hey I need to have a check-in. Or maybe you’re not feeling jealous but you think something’s wobbly with with the group to call a timeout and have a check-in.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: It’s my belief that if in having a check-in you ruin air quotes the rest of the threesome, you probably did everyone a favor because if you didn’t have the check-in it was going to ruin itself in a much larger fashion.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: So it’s okay to have feelings, especially when you’re trying things new, go slow and then pick amazing people to try those things with so that you can take a pause, pause, have a check-in, you know, people with high emotional IQ’s and generally like nice boat.
Cathy: Yeah. I encourage you also to to specify beforehand that you can stop at any time, I think that having that a verbal agreement beforehand and whatever safer sex need you have, honor those as you go through that but make sure that you know, you’re like hey, anyone gets to call timeouts or stop and we all stop that kind of gives people that feeling of safety and can lessen that sense of insecurity.
Reid: Yeah, so go to https://reidaboutsex.com/jealousy/ you can also go to https://reidaboutsex.com/threesomes for more information and resources. Leave a comment, what do you think?