ReidAboutSex http://reidaboutsex.com Sex and Relationship Expert Reid Mihalko's offical site Sun, 24 May 2015 15:00:10 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.1.5 Unhooking II – Delaying Attachment http://reidaboutsex.com/unhooking-ii-delaying-attachment/ http://reidaboutsex.com/unhooking-ii-delaying-attachment/#comments Sun, 24 May 2015 15:00:10 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6363

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com discusses delaying attachment and giving yourself time to got to know your partner (before renting the UHaul on the second date).

Reid: So this is the Unhooking II, or what we will say Delaying Attachment.

Cathy: It’s good if you can delay that. I’ve seen a lot of people–

Reid: [whispering] this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com in case you didn’t watch the last one.

Cathy: And this is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. So I’ve personally experienced it, I’ve seen friends where they get hooked on a partner or dating experience, a friend, really soon before they really know them. And it can be kind of fun to be deeply connected with someone, but when you get hooked early, you don’t always make good decisions. I’ve been there. I know that. How do you delay that hooking experience?

Reid: This kind of falls under the rubric of just generally psychological and chemical imprinting. So the joke that I say when I’m giving lectures on imprinting, it’s like when you create really powerful experiences for people, especially first time, you know, whatever that is, you take somebody’s virginity, whatever experience and they’re just like, “Whoa.” And you rocked their world or blew their mind in such a way that like something shifted for them. For them, and also for people who are starving for certain kinds of experiences or social connection or sex, for the people who are starving it’s like you go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you end up making–

Cathy: –buy everything in the store–

Reid: Yeah, you make bad food choices. So you’re actually kind of making bad imprinting choices because you don’t realize that you’re susceptible to imprinting because you haven’t been getting certain needs met and sourcing them in other places. And then for the people who are like first time experiences that are really powerful or even, for whatever reason, a really powerful experience, it doesn’t have to be their first time.

Cathy: Well, brain world, especially if it’s the first time, your brain’s kind of like, “Oh, I’m never going to get that anywhere else, I have to get it from this person.”

Reid: Yeah, or it’s been sucky every other time, and then you’re like, “Oh my God, you’re the savior.” I call those people baby chicks, because it’s like you hatch them and they’re like, “Peep peep peep peep” and they just follow you all over the place. Ways to delay those, I’ll say sexually speaking, because it’s more fun to talk about and it will get more hits. But it can happen the same way for emotional and cognitive things. People who are just starving for good brain food, and then you’re just like pontificating and just feeding them ideas and they develop a crush on their teacher. It’s like, “Wow, you’re so smart, you’re amazing, I want to eat your brain.” So it doesn’t matter how it comes about, but ways that you can delay imprinting are creating containers. Saying, “This is what we’re doing and exploring” and then you do that, and then at the end of it, you say, “Thank you for doing this thing that we explored.”

Cathy: Close the container.

Reid: You close the container and you watch the first video and you do your little energetic unhooking, which is whether you believe in energy or not, your cognitively creating an anchor for what this was and what it is not. Without doing that, people start making things mean things. Other ways to delay imprinting have to do a lot with time. Let’s say for sex, right, I talk about this in another lecture, and I call these my slut protocols.

Cathy: Okay.

Reid: And I think people who are sluts or generous with their genitals, people who have their black belts in promiscuity, which means they’re promiscuous and no one’s angry at them, because they’re clean and precise, I think what you end up doing is there are some people who are just really susceptible to falling in love. And then there are people who are, it’s not like they’re not intimate or vulnerable, it’s just their brain chemistry don’t mug them in the same way, so they can just be more cognizant and present. They can still have a great time and enjoy it but they’re not like in love.

Time is really useful in keeping things from being hooked or anchoring, the imprinting piece. So if I’m having really great hook-up sex with somebody, there’s a big difference between we get together once a month versus we get together three nights in a row every week. Because if we’re having really amazing sex and really digging each other, those three days in a row will — you’re basically bathing your brain in oxytocin and a bunch of other chemicals.

Cathy: And it’s going to crash afterwards.

Reid: Well, you’re more susceptible to imprinting.

Cathy: Mmhmm.

Reid: So delayed — like seeing each other once a month is it usually ends up being great for most people to not hook. It doesn’t mean you’re happy about it, right? But you’re like, “Wow, I’m not necessarily falling in love.”

Cathy: At least in my experience, when you first start dating someone you see each other a lot, like night after night you really fall — it can be really intense really quick, whereas if you see each other maybe a week apart, and then over time it may be okay to step that up, because you’ve kind of got a baseline, you’re a little more stable.

Reid: Well, and the thing with love is I don’t think you can necessarily prevent falling in love, it’s are you guys a good fit for falling in love?

Cathy: Yeah, making a conscious choice about it rather than like, “Must have you.”

Reid: Yeah. And a lot of people when they’re in love, I mean, chemically speaking they’ve done MRI studies where the areas of your brain that are lit up when you’re in love are the same areas of your brain that are lit up when you’re addicted to crack. You are not making rational choices. So it’s really useful for you to figure out how to delay that so that you can stay rational.

Cathy: Keep your feet under you.

Reid: For most people, everyone has heard the story of, “We had a date Friday night and it ended Monday morning.” There is a good chance one of you or both of you is imprinted, and you just think they’re your soul mate. They might be, but odds are … but you just feel like they’re your soul mate because of the brain chemistry and things like that.

Cathy: And six months later you realize you’ve moved across the country and…

Reid: Yeah, you moved into their house the next week, that’s a love brain chemistry response for the most part. Not everybody. I know we’re going to get some nasty comments there being, “I did that, it was the love of my life, they were my soul mate.” Yes, I get it. So, the two basic ones are creating strong containers, and closing rituals or communicating your needs and boundaries at the end of a strong powerful experience. And delaying how many times you see each other. Just time-wise, once a week works really well for some people. But if you go on a long weekend to a resort and all you guys do is knock boots all weekend, that long weekend will probably result in one of you imprinting, or both of you imprinting, and then you’re in la-la land and maybe not making great choices.

Cathy: Great, thank you.

Reid: You’re welcome.

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How Do You Unhook and Stay UnHooked http://reidaboutsex.com/how-do-you-unhook-and-stay-unhooked/ http://reidaboutsex.com/how-do-you-unhook-and-stay-unhooked/#comments Thu, 21 May 2015 15:00:08 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6362

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she asks Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com about Emotional Bonding, Attachment and keeping clean boundaries.

Cathy: Hey everyone, this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheintimacyDojo.com. I’m here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid: Yay!

Cathy: Reid, if you’re intimate with people sometimes it’s easy to get hooked. To get attached. How do you unhook and stay unhooked?

Reid: There’s a couple of different ways to do it. One, the unhookedness is the idea — first just understanding that when you’re creating powerful experiences, even if they’re just casual and you just rock somebody’s world. Or you have an amazing conversation with somebody that just touches them, people will sometimes start to get energetically or emotionally attached to you. Certainly, if you create a really powerful experience physically. Your body’s usually — just coursing through your veins is all this chemistry, oxytocin, all these different hormones so you’re more prone to emotional bonding and imprinting at those times.

What I do to stay unhooked or to unhook after some sort of powerful experience is to create a mini-closing situation. So like in tantra you’d almost have a ritual. One, to anchor yourself, one to ground yourself, but not just for those reasons, but to kind of acknowledge the experience that you just had and then kind of close it cleanly so it’s just not lingering. There are other ways we can talk about in another video about how do you delay imprinting, but let’s say that you just had  really powerful experience, thanking people for the experience, reiterating in a compassionate way what your expectations are, and expectations and intentions for behavior afterwards. And just really acknowledging each other.

And then what I like to do is this little exercise where you kind of visualize energetically, whether you believe in that or not, that you guys are both pulling in your kite strings and your kites and coming back into your own body and visualizing energetically roots coming out of your feet and anchoring into the ground. And then this idea — if you think of the curly parts of the Velcro, the ones with the hooks.

Cathy: I love that analogy.

Reid: Visualize uncurling those hooks so that people can’t get stuck on you, or you can’t hook onto other people, and then if you want to take it a step further, imagine these threads, the Velcro straight now out of your skin and pulling them back in. So that your surface is smooth like glass. That visualization, along with just breathing, and walking — if you’re really good at this — walking each other through the visualization, like you’re saying, “Let’s reel in our kites, breathe, [deep sigh] let out some sound, get in your body. I like to think of a little night watchman or watchperson walking around inside of me with a flashlight checking me for any open windows or unlocked doors.

Cathy: [Laughs]

Reid: But it’s a way of visualizing me inside my own body, and not inside somebody else’s body. It’s a way of visualizing me being myself and whole, and then the Velcro and the pulling in of your threads is another visualization technique to keep you from being unconsciously clingy. You’re pulling yourself back into yourself. And enjoying the chemistry bath that you’ve created with somebody else, but it’s my bath.

The other thing that can be really useful, and I do this when I talk to people at conferences when you have a conference crush and you’re just like [exasperated sound]. It’s like when you go to see a live music show, and you’re in the audience and you’re like, “The drummer is dreamy.”

Cathy: [Laughing]

Reid: You’re crushing on the band. That’s normal.

Cathy: Knowing it’s normal helps.

Reid: Label it and verbalize that you’re crushing. So it would be like, “That was a really lovely experience or a really powerful conversation, you really moved me, thank you so much. I might totally crush on you the rest of the day. I’m excited that I met you.” Label it and tell yourself and tell the other person, if you are crushing, if you’re not crushing don’t fake it, but be like, “Wow, I’m feeling really drawn to you and I’m kind of crushing.” Labeling it a crush you can still be dreamy but it’s not like I want to rent a U-Haul and move in next week. So I think things like that can be really useful in telling yourself, and also in role-modeling for the other person, “This is what we just had, and here’s what we can expect.” That works really really really well for me.

Cathy: That’s great. I’d like to talk about delaying attachment. Can we do another video on that?

Reid: We’ll do it next. Because we’re going to delay.

Cathy: [Laughing]

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Can You Give Yourself Permission To Discover Your Undiscovereness? http://reidaboutsex.com/can-you-give-yourself-permission/ http://reidaboutsex.com/can-you-give-yourself-permission/#comments Wed, 20 May 2015 03:36:51 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7567

How much do you hold yourself to patterns that don’t really work… To self-expression that isn’t really you anymore?

Reid and I were just eating BBQ and discussing Camp, (This is Cathy Vartuli writing this email, btw. I asked Reid if I could share a big a-ha moment I had last night and he said yes…) and the conversation took a really deep turn in context… Reid is a BBQ fan, fyi, and it’s always entertaining to watch him… He had to talk around the ribs he was eating.

We were talking about permission and who we allow ourselves to be.

It evolved out of setting intentions for Camp, and how we make a difference in people’s lives. And I asked Reid how he does it.

I LOVE how Reid gives permission for people to be who they didn’t know they were. That’s one of the things I value the most about him. He helps me discover expressions of me that feel so right, so true, very real and… Me.

Parts of me that I didn’t even know existed. I’ve never met someone who creates that strong a safe place, and the permission for people to BE what they never dreamed they could be, or what they only dreamed in the very hidden parts of their minds when they thought no one was looking…

I was trying to get him to put how he does it into words because I’m a total geek, and if someone can do something that cool, I want to be able to do it, too.

I asked him: “How do you create that energetic field where people get to discover things about themselves that they didn’t know existed? How do you help them explore what they don’t know they don’t know?”

He said: “You give that permission to yourself.”

I threatened to steal his BBQ if he didn’t explain.

He continued: “Can you give yourself so much permission that other people get permission, too? Can you allow yourself to discover your undiscoveredness? (I’m pretty sure he coined the word “undiscoveredness” over greens and bbq ribs at a local dive).

It was one of those conversations where I was totally engaged and intrigued, and very confused.

I would love to discover my undiscoveredness. But how the hell do I do that when I don’t know what I don’t know?? When I don’t know what it is that I haven’t discovered?

Don’t you need someone to help you find the unknown?

He said it can be great to have someone inspire you, but just allowing yourself to BE that, to take small and large steps into the unknown of “you,” that’s how you discover what isn’t discovered yet.

Sort of like a living meditation, where you just notice what experiences feel like and let your being lead you to the self-expression that makes you happiest, that is, essentially, your “you” of discovery. I could see how giving yourself permission like that would be instrumental in relationships, in life, in business.

And that just BEing that person, in small or large steps… THAT person is inspiring because so many people don’t even know they can give themselves that type of permission.

I was really excited about the conversation. I love to inspire and help people step out of the hamster wheel of their lives- to break free and be inspired by who they themselves are.

I asked Reid for permission to share this with you. Because he does create permission for people to discover their undiscoveredness, and because I had a burning desire to try to capture the essence of our conversation in words -to anchor it for myself, but also to nudge you to give yourself permission today!

I know that you are wanting to reach and inspire people, to make a difference in your life and the lives of others- that’s why you signed up to geek out with Reid.

If you discovering your undiscovered passions and self-expression (not just in your personal life, but in your business/profession as a sex educator) could inspire others to be bigger and happier than they ever thought, more alive and creatively engaged with life… Wouldn’t that feel amazing?

Imagine, if you can, actually making a living and paying your bills inspiring people like that!

Being around a powerful permission giver like Reid can juice you up, and create purpose and focus. Learning how to be a permission giver for yourself and others… My guess is that this is why you do what you do.

We are permission givers in the realms of sex and intimacy!

And what is your undiscoveredness?

To take this back to the reason Reid and I were talking about his permission giving superpowers, I was at Sex Geek Summer Camp last year.

It was awesome! I loved the curiosity and the depth Reid taught at. He focused on self-expression and self-understanding, and applied it to the business of being a sex educator in a way that transformed a lot of lives.

And I think the way he has Camp flowing this year will be even more powerful. Because part of discovery is trying out different ways of being and seeing how they fit for you.

It’s really nice if all the ways you’re investigating building your career (and your personal life, too!) are in integrity and aligned with your philosophy and beliefs… And Reid creates that, too.

But when you have a black belt-level permission giver, who is also a marketing and relationship geek, guiding you towards clarifying and aligning your business and it’s direction… Magic happens.

I want that for you. I want you to experience and create Magic. I want you to find those delicious and inspiring parts of yourself that you didn’t know to dream that were there, but that you’ve been longing for your whole life.

If that speaks to you, please join Reid and me (I’ll be teaching at camp, and also organizing and keeping things flowing behind the scenes, too!) at Sex Geek Summer Camp at the end of July.

The magic is closer than you think!

http://SexGeekSummerCamp.com

Excited for all of us,
Cathy

P.S. When else could you take 5 days off from “default life” to discover ways to create powerful permission and reveal what is undiscovered about you?

P.P.S. If you’re a yes, please FWD or post this email and let a friend or peer of yours know today that you think they have the potential to become (or are already!) a permission giver that touches and transforms lives!

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What’s the sex secret of a smorgasbord? And how YOU can feast on what you need… http://reidaboutsex.com/whats-the-sex-secret-of-a-smorgasbord/ http://reidaboutsex.com/whats-the-sex-secret-of-a-smorgasbord/#comments Wed, 20 May 2015 03:07:27 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7564

Did you know that there’s a secret sex lesson hidden in the Swedish word, Smörgåsbord? 

I can’t wait to teach it to you! I know it can bring you massive amounts of fun, self-confidence, and pleasure in bed. It can also save you years in becoming better at sex, intimacy, and relating.

First, something many people don’t know about me… I’m part Swedish, part Norwegian, part Austrian, part Czech, and a whole lot a’ geek… (Well, the geek part you probably already knew. In fact, the exchange of nerdy sex and relationship tools is probably what drew you to these announcements in the first place, and tonight I won’t disappoint…)

On my Mom’s side of the family, I’m Swedish and Norwegian, and depending on how you define 1st and 2nd “generations,” I think I qualify as a 3rd generation American. (And because I’m the curious sort: What generation and what culture did you grow up in/are from, btw? Leave a comment below if you like…)

I’m obviously the poster child for white, male, American, extroverted privilege. I look like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger, a grown up Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone, and a golden retriever on espresso.

While I’m not a geek about genealogy or family trees, I am very curious about how cultures that we grow up in influence our sexual beliefs and behaviors and affect the relationships we have.

My Mom and Dad (and grandparents) only spoke English to me and my brothers growing up. Because of how my parents were raised, they never became fluent in anything but English, but they did introduce my brothers and me to a lot of foreign vocabulary words. They had a special penchant for swear words and words having to do with food.

Which brings us back to smörgåsbord and it’s hidden sex lesson on how YOU can be a better lover…

What I Love About This Word and How It Applies To Being Better In Bed…

Geeky factoid: The word, according to Wikipedia, became internationally known, the spelling being changed to smorgasbord, at the 1939 New York World’s Fair when it was offered at the Swedish Pavilion’s “Three Crowns Restaurant.” A smorgasbord is typically a celebratory meal where hungry guests can help themselves from a plethora of dishes laid out for everyone to choose from.

I love the diversity and choice that inherently comes with smorgasbords. You get to pick what you want, and there’s no pressure if you pass other things by. This means you get to focus on and take more of, what you like, what you desire, what you crave. Because smorgasbords are all about a variety of choices, you’re pretty much guaranteed that something is going to satisfy you.

As a sex geek, when you can offer your lovers a smorgasbord of choices in bed, and give them a pressure-free environment to choose what they’re craving and not have to choose what they don’t want… You end up having more satisfying sex and intimacy!

When I tell some folks this idea, they worry, “Well, what about what I’m craving? When do I get to satisfy my cravings?”

I give them my best sex geek smile, tell them to take a deep breathe (and let out some sound), and then I reveal to them these 2 powerful, game-changing insights:

1. Giving others more to choose from ups your choices in life.

When you can offer your lovers lots of options for how to give and receive pleasure, you end up role-modeling for them that they can discover and offer back to you a plethora of choices, too.

2. Exploration gives you more to like.

In order to expand your smorgasbord of sexual offerings, you have to set out on an adventure of discovery. In exploring your options, you will often begin to discover additional things that appeal to you, perhaps things you never even knew existed or that you thought you’d never enjoy.

You also end up getting clear on what you dislike. When you discover things that you don’t like, guess what? You know what to stay away from, which is a win, too.

You never have to put on your “dinner table” anything that you yourself don’t already love, crave, and enjoy. Knowing what doesn’t please you saves time and frustration.

The dilemma for many people is that, because of their lack of exploration, their “smorgasbord” only has 2 or 3 things on it. Chances are, one or two of those things are “culturally approved” sexual acts that they think they “must” have on the menu to fit in. And because they only have 2 or 3 options, the stakes are high! They’re forced to keep things on the menu that they don’t really enjoy, which only increases the anxiety and dissatisfaction.

How much fun is sex when both people have pressured themselves into keeping options on the menu that they don’t enjoy? It makes sense why so many people’s sex lives are so miserable and frustrating rather than alive, ecstatic, and free.

The “Smorgasbord Effect” As The Solution!

When you begin expanding your sexual offerings through exploration… All of sudden, the world looks a lot tastier… You being to see delectable, erotic treats in places and activities you never saw before, and your appetite increases!

Exploration and diversity can help jumpstart bored (or resurrect long dead) libidos.

You increase your erotic choices in life, no longer cursed by the “same ‘ol same ‘ol.” You also end up creating a situation where everyone has more choice and freedom of choice, which can foster a deep sense of safety, and “set the table” for a true, sensual feast to happen.

Who wouldn’t love a life filled with more sensual feasting? Am I right?

But Doesn’t Too Much Choice Create Anxiety?

At first it may feel like an impossible task, discovering your own smorgasbord of tastes and desires, but, luckily, I’m a geek and I have a geeky solution for you that will lessen anxiety, save you years of stagnation, and catapult you towards an amazing sex life…

My tip: Seek out and participate in events and experiences that offer YOU a sexual learning smorgasbord of their own!

In exposing yourself to situations intentionally designed to showcase a diversity of sexual learning and teachings, you can create a “tasting menu” of things. The things you like, pursue and dive deeper. The things you don’t like, move on. It’s intentional dabbling at it’s best and it saves you tons of time and frustration.

It’s because of this “smorgasbord effect” that I consciously seek out to appear in, or create myself, learning situations that offer adults no-risk smorgasbords of learning where you get to pick and choose without any pressure. From things like conferences and festivals to virtual summits and online VIP Days, I encourage you to show up and take a peek… If something doesn’t resonate with you, come back later for the next topic. If something piques your interest, make a note to seek out more info later.

It truly is a tasting menu in learning form. Instead of a fork, bring your curiosity!

One of my favorite, no-risk “smorgasbord learning events” are the audio and video summits that I often appear in. They are free to signup for and you get to listen in or watch as you meet a slew of new and amazing “chefs” -teachers you may never have found if you were just “poking around the web”- and they’re showing up ready to offer you several bites of their best dishes of geekery and expertise!

Since many of us now have a smartphone, tablet, or computer, these “free to attend while they’re happening” digital summits mean you can explore and expand your self-knowledge in real time without having to jump in a car or airplane and pay money to get your physical body into a physical room.

As an educator who likes to geek out and share lots and lots of tips, tools, and perspectives, and make that information accessible to as many people as possible, these online events are perfect in so many ways!

And, as luck would have it, there’s an amazing smorgasbord of sex geekery that STARTED TODAY, and I think you might enjoy taking a great, big bite out of it! :)

If you’re curious and hungry, please join me and 24 other experts on Edgy Love Secrets Revealed: Discover How to Create Unconventional, Authentic, Fulfilling, Trusting Relationships with Ravishing Sex through Unbridled Self Expression! and let me know how you liked the “meal.” 

It kicked off today and there will be a lot of topics from relationship communication, connected edgy sex, tantra, dating and finding your dream partner, alternative diverse relationships, and much more for the next several days! After it’s over, it’s over, so CHECK IT OUT NOW.

Warning: Dr. Rusty, the summit’s creator, told me to give you a heads up. From his email to me… “This is NOT your typical Summit. The content is edgy.  It will challenge how you to look at a number of things differently than you might do now. Some you will love. Some you might question. Some of the content might push some cultural boundaries. You will absolutely hear and learn new things, and that is worth the price of admission—which is only your time and your willingness to learn and grow and discover ways to bring more joy and excitement into your life, and keep it there. The dollar cost is zero.”

Click HERE to jump to Rusty’s signup page and join me! – http://www.mcssl.com/app/?af=1627027

It’s time to get our feast on! Are you hungry?

Let’s eat,
REiD

P.S. Really! Rusty’s set the table, so let’s toast to our love lives, shall we!

http://www.mcssl.com/app/?af=1627027

————> Register now for Edgy Love Secrets Revealed Video Summit

 

 

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Ever Wondered What Was In Reid Mihalko’s Toy Bag? http://reidaboutsex.com/ever-wondered-what-was-in-reid-mihalkos-toy-bag/ http://reidaboutsex.com/ever-wondered-what-was-in-reid-mihalkos-toy-bag/#comments Tue, 19 May 2015 15:00:05 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6361

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com shows her what he has in his toy bag.

Cathy: Hey everyone, this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Reid is a sex geek. He has a toy bag and we were wondering what was in your toy bag.

Reid: Let’s see. I have a little bag. I have a bunch of things. I have condoms and lube. Sorry, I have some lube from Wet, which I like their lube a lot, and some condoms. This particular month I’ve got condoms from The Pleasure Chest somewhere in here. I’ve got a little bag of condoms, I have latex gloves for when I like to play with people. I happen to have them in this really cool, zippered pouch.

Cathy: Oh, it’s got a tongue.

Reid: Yeah, it’s actually not the most useful thing, because you have to unzip it, but it gets a laugh. So I keep latex gloves for when I’m playing with people who need gloves or get turned on by gloves. I’ve got dental dams, which are little squares of latex to put over people’s genitals. I have another type of dental dam, a bigger one, I guess for bigger genitals. I’ve got some handiwipes in here for no fuss no muss cleansing. I have a really cool – this is a butt plug, and I almost got this – now I’m thinking – I think this is Fun Factory, I apologize in advance if I got the company wrong.

Cathy: It is Fun Factory.

Reid: Fun Factory, yay. I almost got this for my sister-in-law’s kid as a chew toy because I thought that would be funny, but I didn’t. It’s silicone.

Cathy: That’s probably a good choice.

Reid: I’ve got a little rabbit’s type foot. I don’t think it’s actually a real rabbit’s foot, for sensation play. I’ve got a sleeping mask for when you just need to take a nap. Some breath mints.

Cathy: That’s a good idea.

Reid: This is fun, you asked me to do this.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: More condoms. I have some mouthwash to keep fresh.

Cathy: Because it’s important if you’re playing with people not to brush your teeth right before?

Reid: Yeah, for safer sex geekery don’t brush your teeth in between playing with people or right before because you’re creating little micro-abrasions on your gum line. It’s better to rinse your mouth out with Listerine. And especially if you’re playing with several people, like wash your face before you stick your face in somebody else’s junk, unless you’re using a dental dam of course. And then last but not least – and I sometimes have other things here in my bag, I have my Vigskin dildo, which I’ll show really quickly, because I don’t want anybody to take this off of YouTube. And then I also have a couple of strap-on harnesses for people who like to play that way. So, you can get those from Aslan Leather in Canada is a really great place for strap-on harnesses. Sometimes I have a rodeo harness, which is more like underwear type harnesses in here. And I have my actual toy bag, which I will not reveal what it looks like because I want you to leave comments as to what you think I carry these accouterments around in.

Cathy: [Laughs]

Reid: Any other questions?

Cathy: That’s great. Thank you very much.

Reid: Get your own sex geek bag ladies and gentlemen, be prepared.

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How Do You Know What To Charge? http://reidaboutsex.com/how-do-you-know-what-to-charge/ http://reidaboutsex.com/how-do-you-know-what-to-charge/#comments Mon, 18 May 2015 03:39:28 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7569

Ever feel confused about pricing?

How do you set the price for your product or service that compensates you for your time and expertise (expertise earned via all the training and experience you’ve amassed)… AND how do you help people see the value and worth in what you’re offering so that you can make a living transforming lives?

If you charge an amount that’s too high, people shrug and go away…
Too low, and they may think what you’re offering isn’t valuable information…

How do you position your products and services so people know that your information is unique, worth what you’re charging, see you as an expert, and are glad to pay you handsomely for your help and support?

Plus the added challenge for some of us of paying our rent (and having extra to put into our savings) when we want to work with demographics that really are struggling financially and maybe can’t afford higher priced items…

I’ve heard from SO many sex-positive professionals that not knowing how to price their services is keeping them frozen and frustrated (and broke) that I decided to open this usually private, VIP bonus call to everyone on my Sex Geek Pro List.

So please feel free to invite any sex geeks, workshop leaders, healers, and educators you think would benefit from this information!

Just FWD them this article- it’s free – no need to register!

However, if you do wish to receive a reminder for the call AND the MP3 of the call recording, then REGISTER HERE: What To Charge VIP Call
http://ReidAboutSex.com/what-to-charge-call

The call will be recorded, but I encourage you to be there live. Why?
1) You’ll get more out of it if you’re participating in “real time,”
2) I’ll be sharing information at the end of the call that is time sensitive

This free, VIP bonus call is usually ONLY AVAILABLE to those who’ve already registered to attend Sex Geek Summer Camp as a bonus to gear up for camp; however, so many sex educators of late have been sharing with me their struggles and confusion around pricing and how to charge for their services that I thought it’d be of huge value (and fun!) to invite the entire sex ed/sex geek/sex-positive entrepreneur community. So please encourage your peers to join us on the call!

Title: Reid Mihalko Presents Meta Retention Bonus – What To Charge!

Listen via The Web:

http://AttendThisEvent.com/?eventid=63475554

Register for the call if you’d like reminders and to receive the MP3 recording of the call – http://ReidAboutSex.com/what-to-charge-call

Stop struggling and worrying about what to charge! Learn an easy and powerful approach to design and price your products and services so you move your career forward and touch more lives for the better! Come to the call and get your questions answered and your doubts cleared up once and for all.

xxREiD
Ps. Hope you enjoyed the meme I made! Giggle.

 

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Jealousy – Feeling Special Example http://reidaboutsex.com/jealousy-feeling-special-example/ http://reidaboutsex.com/jealousy-feeling-special-example/#comments Sat, 16 May 2015 15:00:00 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6360

Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she asks Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com how to balance feeling special in a group.

Cathy: Hey everyone, this is Cathy Vartuli from http:// TheIntimacyDojo.com. I’m here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com, and this is Feeling Special Video Two.

Reid: Video two. Cathy just shared with me that we had … do that thing.

Cathy: So Reid and my best friend Rick were just here visiting me together. That’s the first time they’ve both been here. And because riding in the front seat is really important to me, I was kind of like, “Hmm, I’m going to be driving because we’re in Dallas and what if they both want to sit in the front seat, how do I balance them both feeling special? What do I do so that neither one feels neglected or hurt?” I was concerned about that.

Reid: So this is a classic example of a very caring, openhearted, amazing person worrying too much.

Cathy: [Laughs] Thank you.

Reid: Yeah. No, it’s very sweet of you to be like, “Wow, that’s really important to me, maybe it’s important to them.”

Cathy: Projection.

Reid: It’s projection. And the way I would handle it is you do your little difficult conversations formula, and you basically tell your friends, “Hey, this thing is really important for me, and I’m worried that it might be important for one of you guys, or both of you, I need to clear this conversation out of my head, how do we handle it?” If you’re really worked up about it. Like, say you’ve been thinking about this for five days and you’re like, “Oh my god.” It might come out really kind of sitcommy, like ‘Blah!’ but if they’re really your friends.

Cathy: They’ll get it .

Reid: We’ll be like, “Oh, okay.” It might be strange, but.

Cathy: Well, you’re used to me being strange sometimes.

Reid: But I guarantee you the strange factor of you blurting out your concern, is going to be way less strange than what you do inside your head and how it resonates inside the car on that drive where you’re worried that one of them is upset and now you’re like, “Oh my God, he’s in the backset and how come he hasn’t said anything? He must be really want to sit in the front seat, and oh my god, Reid doesn’t know and I really want them to get together.”

And then Rick and I are sitting in the car being like, “What is going on with Cathy?” So I really do – it’s that say what’s not being said and trust, especially with you and Rick, and visit http://ThrivingNow.com if you haven’t, that’s their website, after however many years you guys have been together, if he can’t handle you having a little spaz attack. Hello?

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: If you can’t handle me being this doofus, don’t be friends with me. That’s how I would handle the special thing. When you catch your momentum, your worry wheel really picking up speed.

Cathy: Say something.

Reid: Yeah, say something,

Cathy: I actually did. Before you got in town I talked to Rick and he’s like, “I don’t care who sits in the front seat. I’ll just sit in the back.” And he didn’t care.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: It wasn’t a big deal. So.

Reid: So it’s often – my experience has been it’s usually 99.9% a bigger deal in your head.

Cathy: Yeah, get it out so you have room to spend time with some cool people.

Reid: Yeah, I hope that’s helpful. Leave comments below.

Cathy: Thanks.

Reid: What are you worried about?

Cathy: [Laughs]

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Connect with Reid and other sex geeks at Ecstatic Festival Jun 12-14 http://reidaboutsex.com/connect-with-reid-and-other-sex-geeks-at-ecstatic-festival-jun-12-14/ http://reidaboutsex.com/connect-with-reid-and-other-sex-geeks-at-ecstatic-festival-jun-12-14/#comments Wed, 13 May 2015 17:06:21 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7560

EcstaticFestival

Are You Ready For a Weekend of Radical Connecting?

I’m honored that Ecstatic founder Romi Elan has invited me to bring my personal style of sex and relationship geekery along with several other sex-positive superstars to his very special weekend event… Will you consider joining us for a 3-day immersion into new paradigms of love, connection and self-expression through workshops and activities, including heart-opening connection, invigorating yoga, deep inner reflection and healing, blissful dance, and much more?!

3 DAYS OF BLISSFUL GROWTH

  • Ecstatic is a 3-day conscious gathering focused on heart-opening communication, embodied spirituality and blissful connection. As a community, we come together to connect, explore new things, and grow. We will get grounded in our bodies and feel the immense love that is all around us. The love that IS us.

  • Over the course of 3 days, we will have the opportunity to explore different modalities of embodied connection. Over 50 workshops will be offered in various themes such as Dance, Healing, Communication, Yoga, Touch, and Play.

  • We invite you leave your inhibitions, patterns and conditioning at home, so you experience a new way of being. A way of truth and purity of nature. Whether through movement, speaking, touch, breathing or deep reflection, you will find your truth within, and it will be beautiful.

50+ WORKSHOPS IN 5 DIFFERENT WORKSHOP AREAS

  • Ecstatic Ballroom –  Elevate your spirit with music and dance, build intimacy through genuine communication, heal past wounds and deeply connect with one another.
  • Spirit Cove – Dive deep into the inner realms of yourself. Meditation, self reflection, breathwork and healing are found here.
  • Touch Temple – Explore the magic of human touch. Experience the ebb and flow of energy as it moves through us and between us.
  • Move Grove – Shake your body in delight and awaken your soul. Experience different modalities of movement and share your happiness with the world.
  • Sacred Fire Theater – Let the divine sounds and words nourish your being as you recieve beautiful love offerings from our sacred performers.

CELEBRATING CONNECTION IN NATURE

Not feeling like being in workshops for the entire weekend? No sweat!

The venue’s fresh air, sunshine, and surrounding natural beauty provide attendees with an amazing mountain playground. You can relax or meditate in nature, read by the creek, or strap on your running shoes for a trail run or hike.

Also, in addition to the workshop areas, you will have access to an open pool, hot tub, hiking trails, a nearby lake with canoeing (extra cost), spa with massage therapists (extra cost), basketball court, tennis court, and an art workshop.

There is something for everyone at Ecstatic!

When: Jun 12th-Jun 14th, 2015
Where: Camp Blue – Lair of the Golden Bear, 188 Dodge Ridge Road, Pinecrest, CA
Tickets: Find additional information and purchase tickets HERE and Tell them Reid sent ya! 

JOIN THE FACEBOOK GROUP HERE, AND SHARE WITH FRIENDS!

 

About Founder Romi Elan:

Romi Elan is the visionary and founder behind Ecstatic. He is a dancer, a yogi, and a passionate lover of life. He appreciates good food, long hugs, being in nature, and heartfelt connection.

Romi is a global citizen who was born in Los Angeles, California, and has lived and traveled extensively on five continents. For years, Romi helped global businesses grow as a Consultant and Business Manager. Now he is committed to the growth and fulfillment of human beings.

“Ecstatic offers people the opportunity to explore and experience different practices of embodied connection in an accessible, non threatening way. Ecstatic is about expanding the realm of possible for our lives, whatever that means for each of us.”

 

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How Can I Hold Space For My Partner? http://reidaboutsex.com/how-can-i-hold-space-for-my-partner/ http://reidaboutsex.com/how-can-i-hold-space-for-my-partner/#comments Wed, 13 May 2015 15:00:56 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6359

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she asks Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com about Hold Space For Your Partner.

How Can I Hold Space For My Partner?

Cathy: Hi Everyone, this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. I’m here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid: I’m being really weird in these videos this round.

Cathy: You are. I gave you too much coffee. That’s probably it.

Reid: Now you have to hold space for me.

Cathy: Okay. So if I wanted to hold space for my partner, how would I do that?

Reid: Don’t give them more coffee.

Cathy: You’re cut off.

Reid: Okay. So holding space kind of goes like this. What I notice in relationships and even in my relationships, when somebody gets triggered or is having a bad day or emotional or whatever that is, the analogy being the shit hit the fan because they took their bucket and threw it on the fan. Most of us get reactive and then we grab our bucket and we throw it on the fan.

Cathy: And it cycles.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: It builds on each other.

Reid: And if you’re competitive, you’re like, “Really? That’s not a bucket of shit, this is a [Growl].” What I recommend is training yourself first on how to hold space for yourself. So the analogy is when the shit hits the fan you go over and you unplug the fan. Giving yourself something to do that’s constructive, even though this is an analogy, in unplugging the fan, you’re not reacting.

Cathy: Right.

Reid: You’re going into, “Oh, task mode.” So first things first is when you need to hold space for your partner, realizing, “Okay, I’m going to go into holding space.” Rather than reactive mode. Inside of holding space, part of it is you acknowledging to yourself if and when you get triggered. So my partner is – somehow we get into an argument, they’re very upset, I may be upset, but basically I’m just kind of being a little bit in my own head. The way that I do it is I talk to myself and I’m like, “Wow, I’m really upset.” And I just keep breathing and being present with them. What I’m trying to do in holding space for them is one, not get more reactive.

Cathy: Right, not add to the flames.

Reid: And dumping it into their space, so I’m just trying to remain calm, remain present. So I’m paying attention to what they’re saying and listening to what they’re saying, trying to recreate it and basically being like, “Oh, okay, wow.”

Cathy: “I hear you saying this.”

Reid: “I hear you saying this. Am I clear in what you’re saying? It sounds like you’re really sad or it sounds like you’re really angry at me, tell me more.” What you’re doing most of the time is you’re just being there for them and encouraging them to let more out.

Cathy: It’s hard to do but it’s very loving on the receiving end. When I’m angry or upset and someone can just hear me and say, “Tell me more” rather than blaming me or being angry or reactive, there’s a great deal of intimacy built into that. Like afterwards I’m like, “Oh, I really trust that person, I can be myself and they’re going to be okay with it.”

Reid: Yeah, and what you’re doing is one, you’re kind of a basically adopting the stance that nothing’s wrong. Now this is of course if there’s physical violence or emotional abuse happening, that’s not what I mean, right? You’re like, “Okay, you’re crying” or “you’re angry, this is okay that you’re that way.” And the reason that you know that this is okay is that once you get the hang of this holding space for your partner, they go through their emotional cycle faster, and then once you get the hang of it you’re like, “Oh, everything is okay.” Because rather than this fight lasting two hours, by me not being reactive, I can actually hear you. You calm down, maybe it takes twenty minutes because some people get so juiced up on endorphins and body chemistry that it takes 15 to 20 minutes for that stuff to kind of start to subside, so I know that if I can keep my shit together for 20 minutes, you’ll get over the hump of it, and there’s a new possibility that happens.

So if you’ve never been able to experience this then hopefully us talking about it, you’re like, “Oh, okay, I can try to do that.” Once you’ve actually pulled this off once or twice and that’s on a good day, on a bad day I’m just as reactive, I’m like, “I’ll bring two buckets of shit. Hang on, let me get a bigger fan.” But once you get the hang of this and you see the results, then it’s actually on a good day you’re like, “[Sighs] I can do this.” Because now I’m also supporting my partner and things—

Cathy: –you’re modeling so they can be supportive for you.

Reid: Things get better quicker. If you’re upset because somebody else is upset you’re not human – well, you’re human because you’re upset, but realize that in any relationship you guys are going to have good days and bad days, you’re just having a bad day right now.

Cathy: And you may find that there’s certain topics where the trigger I have really triggers my partner’s trigger, it hits them, and if that happens, get some coaching, get someone to walk through, someone else to hold space for you guys, so you can like, “Oh, now I can hear her.” Reid’s done that beautifully for us, he’s held space and it’s like, “Okay, what is that person actually saying? Oh, okay, now I can hear it because I’m not so caught up in my, ‘Oh my God, I’m a bad person, you’re saying I’m not good in a relationship’.”

Reid: Yeah. And then the last bit I’ll close on is the idea that it’s okay if you don’t have the bandwidth to hold space, to tell your partner however it’s going to come out for you in words, but like, “Right now I don’t have the resources to be able to hold space for you. Can you give me 20 minutes to come back and I can be with you or can I hold space for you tomorrow or is there something I can do for you that would leave you feeling loved, honored and cherished? Right now that I can do that I’m capable of, rather than me like sitting here for you for the next 20 minutes,” because sometimes there’s a baby crying or you have an appointment.

Cathy: Or you’re just depleted

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: You had a rotten day and you just don’t have the energy to be there.

Reid: It’s not that you’re being a dick, but you’re just being honest, “If I tried to do this right now I would get triggered and we would both spiral.” Sometimes a partner really doesn’t need space holding as much as they just need to be seen and know that you’re not leaving them.

Cathy: Know they’re important.

Reid: Mmhmm.

Cathy: Great, thank you.

Reid: You’re welcome. Bye.

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Energetic Sex: What Is Pragmatic Tantra? http://reidaboutsex.com/energetic-sex-what-is-pragmatic-tantra/ http://reidaboutsex.com/energetic-sex-what-is-pragmatic-tantra/#comments Sun, 10 May 2015 15:00:51 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6365

Curious about Energetic Sex? Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com discuss energetic connection.

Cathy: Hey everyone, this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. I’m here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Reid, can you tell us a little bit about energetic sex? You give a great workshop on it.

Reid: Yes. Thank you for saying it was great. Energetic sex is something I started teaching a couple of years ago and it’s kind of an offshoot of Tantra.

Cathy: But more pragmatic.

Reid: More pragmatic. That’s why I call my workshop Energetic Sex for Pragmatists. The reason I call it that is I have a lot of friends who are skeptics and like science with a capital S, and like things to be measured. When things can’t be measured, they don’t necessarily think are proven yet and metaphysics is a weird word for them. Basically I was really curious, how do you teach experiences to people where we don’t have language necessarily? Americans, especially English is a horrible language for sexual terms, especially nuanced sexual terms. It’s like we have four words, they’re all dirty.

Then how do you talk about experiences where you don’t necessarily have science for them but they still might be happening. So that was my foot in the door of being a geek about it, because I was having experiences that would fall under the category of mystical, and it was definitely something I was experiencing, and I’m enough of a geek to be like what’s going on. There is stuff that I arrived at that I don’t have explanations for, there’s no science for yet, but something’s happening and it seems to be somewhat reproducible. That lays the groundwork for how I come at energetic sex. And I don’t need to believe in something or understand how something works to be able to take advantage of it.

Cathy: Right. I don’t know how to fix the engine on my car but I can still drive it.

Reid: You can still drive it around. I can walk in and flip a light switch, or plug in my computer, but I don’t need to understand electricity or electronics. From that perspective then, energetic sex becomes something interesting because there is a way to look at sensation and break it down to something even more subtle. A lot of us in our day-to-day lives, we’re just going so fast or have been role modeled poor habits, that we’re not actually listening to people’s bodies, or are unable to listen to ourselves. One way to think of it is an embodiment experience, just being in your body feels electric, or that you’re learning how to listen for things that most people can’t hear and you develop an ear for that when you’re playing with people.

Cathy: Can we do another video where we kind of go into that a little bit more?

Reid: Absolutely. This was the teaser for the next video. What I will leave you with in this video is the analogy of if you’ve ever made a wine glass try to sing. What you’re paying attention to is pressure, how hard you’re pushing on the rim, friction, how much “µ”  for my scientists out there. And rate, or frequently, the number of times you go around, the speed. Come back in the next video and I’ll explain why that’s important for energetic sex.

Cathy: That’s great.

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