ReidAboutSex http://reidaboutsex.com Sex and Relationship Expert Reid Mihalko's offical site Sun, 26 Jul 2015 16:19:23 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2.3 What To Do If You Mess Up In A Relationship? http://reidaboutsex.com/what-to-do-if-you-mess-up-in-a-relationship/ http://reidaboutsex.com/what-to-do-if-you-mess-up-in-a-relationship/#comments Sun, 26 Jul 2015 15:00:37 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6337

What To Do If You Mess Up In A Relationship? How do you clean it up without getting yourself in hot water? And can you actually use the clean-up process to leave your relationship stronger than ever?

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com for the answers to this and more!

 

 

Cathy: Hi everyone, this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com , and we’re here today with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com , and we’re talking about what to do if you mess up when you’re in a relationship.

Reid: Run. RUN!

Cathy:  Or hide it.

Reid: Hide? No, don’t do that.

Cathy:  Buy flowers?

Reid:   No – well, yes, but that’s after.

Cathy:  Oh, okay!

Reid:  Well, the first thing that you do is you go through your own freak-out, that you screwed up.

Cathy:  Everybody does.

Reid:  And then basically you should come clean with the other person. I think we now live in a time where transparency will help you have a better, more fulfilling relationship and increase your odds of it lasting longer, than trying not to rock the boat and trying to hide things and sweep things under the rug.

Cathy:  What if you don’t have a history of coming clean and you don’t have a pattern to do that? How do you start that pattern?

Reid: Basically, what you’ve created, or what you’ve found yourself in, is a difficult conversation.

Cathy:  Yes.

Reid:  So people, go to my website, go to http://ReidAboutSex.com, and search for “difficult conversation” or the phrase “say what you’re not saying.” Those two searches will come up with a whole little idea on how to do this, like a script.

http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/

Cathy:  Yes.

Reid: But the basic idea is, you get really clear as to why you are afraid to tell so-and-so, what you would like to have happen by telling your loved one, and then what you want to tell them. And then what you do is, you write that stuff down so you have it.

And then you go to your partner and you say, “I have something I’m not telling you. I’m not telling you because I’m afraid of X, Y, and Z. What I want to have happen by telling you is A, B, C, and D. And what I’m not saying is “BLAH.” And then you put it out there.

The only thing that you could do – not to make it more complicated, but that’s the simplest thing to do, is to just get the cat out of the bag. If you want to be a little bit more savvy, you can sit your partner down and say, “Listen, I want to build into our relationship moving forward.”

Cathy:  Before anything bad happens.

Reid: Well, ideally, yes, but let’s say you’re in the middle of “Oh, I just screwed up royally.” Sit down with your partner and say, “Listen, I want to build into our relationship. We have a history of being transparent and having difficult conversations and sharing this stuff that’s scary, and I have something I need to tell you.” So then, what I just said with the formula.

Cathy:  Could you give us an example? Say, you were supposed to pick something up for a party and you forgot.

Reid: So this would be my example if I had kids. “Honey, there’s something I would like for you and I to have and build into our relationship, that we tell each other the scary stuff, and I have something to tell you.

What I’m afraid of is that you’re going to leave me, that you will report me to the authorities, and that you will ruin my reputation on Facebook and on other social media platforms.

What I’d like to have happen is for you to realize is that I am human, and that I will always tell you things as quickly as I can, even when they’re royal screw-ups. I’d like for you to feel like you can trust me, even when I’m not perfect, and that I’ll always clean up my messes to the best of my ability, and that hopefully this only deepen our relationship.

And what I’m not telling you is that I left our son at the store, and I don’t know where he is.”

Cathy:  [laughs]

Reid:  “I forgot that he was with me, and I left, and I can’t remember what store it was.” Is that a good example?

Cathy:  Great example! Although if you actually did leave your kid at the store, you may want to skip all the prequel and just call 9-1-1 or something.

Reid: Maybe.

Cathy:  Have that conversation after you found the kid.

Reid:  But in a kind of romantic-comedy movie thing…

Cathy:  That would be hysterical.

Reid:  He would be trying (or she would be trying) to get the kid back without telling the other one, and it would just make it worse.

Cathy:  There would be a whole debacle, and the whole weekend chasing him around, and, ”oh, he’s over here, let me go get him.”

Reid:  And so you want to not be that person. It would be nice if life was a romantic comedy, but it is not. And it doesn’t have to be something as huge as “you left your kid at the mall.” It can be something like “I screwed up on our taxes…”

Cathy:  “The IRS is coming to get us!”

Reid: “I lost my job.”

Cathy:  Yeah. I’ve heard of people not telling for months, and keep going to work every morning.

Reid:  Yeah, stuff like that. Great. Your mileage may vary, but… It’s an easy formula, and it helps get people over the hump. Then, once you build that into your relationships, it becomes normal to have the scary conversations. Then you start having them sooner than later, and you really start trusting each other. You’re not walking around with this looming sense of “Are they telling me everything?”

Cathy:  Yes.

Reid:  Which a lot of people have, especially when you’ve been together for ten, fifteen, or twenty years.

Cathy:  But the other side is, “Are they going to find out what I’ve been lying about, or withholding all that time?”

Reid:  Exactly. That eats up so much bandwidth and energy, and it’s not useful. It’s not a good use of your resources.

Cathy:  It blocks intimacy. While this process may be challenging at first, if you practice on small things at first, and build up some trust and some confidence, it can really open up a relationship.

Reid:  Yeah, like you left your dog at the mall.

Cathy:  And you don’t know which mall.

Reid: And you don’t know which mall. But you had the kid. The kid’s with you.

Cathy:  Thank you very much, Reid.

Reid:  Bye!

 

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Energetic Sex: Tuning Into Energy and Finding Your Frequency http://reidaboutsex.com/energetic-sex-tuning-into-energy-and-finding-your-frequency/ http://reidaboutsex.com/energetic-sex-tuning-into-energy-and-finding-your-frequency/#comments Thu, 23 Jul 2015 15:00:22 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6366

Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com talk about tuning into your “frequency” so you can connect more deeply.

Reid: Hello, everyone this is a wine glass, or a water glass, half empty or half full. I’m Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. And this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: Thanks Reid.

Reid: You’re welcome.

Cathy: Tell us about the wine glass. We want to know.

Reid: If you watched the last video we were talking about energetic sex, and we left off with the idea of when you’re trying to make a wine glass sing, or water glass in this case, you’re paying attention to pressure, to speed or rate or frequency, how frequently I go around the rim, as well as friction.

Cathy: It helps if its a little wet…

Reid: It does help if its wet!

You can’t hear this, but at least it’s making a squeaking sound. The idea is wherever you go, and you can try this at home, you can have your glass and try to make it sing, wherever you go to listen or feel or sense if you’re getting closer to making it sing, or further away from making it sing, that’s where you should start to explore sexual energy. It’s that place of listening that you’re going to try to hear if there’s something shifting or changing. You’re listening for something really really nuanced. It might not be listening. This is a three hour workshop that I’m doing in a couple of minutes. You’re paying attention to your senses. For me, energy, woo-woo, energy, is very much a sound as much as it’s kind of a feeling.

Cathy: Some people are auditory, some people are kinesthetic, some people are very visual.

Reid: Yeah, so you want to figure out when you’re doing the wine glass analogy, where do you go to hear or listen or see. Are you more staring at the glass, are you more listening? Are you more feeling, sensing in your body?

Cathy: When it gets close I feel it in my body. I feel a vibration.

Reid: Perfect. That’s really useful. For some people it’s an emotional feeling, or you get visual pictures in your head, images or intuitions some people would call them. These are all ways — and again this isn’t science — these are all ways that I have found that energy seems to communicate with people, or people seem to hear it.

If you’re a musician, it’s like when you’re listening to tuning a guitar string, when you’re “that’s it, I got it.” Once you can figure out how you listen to energy or how it might occur to you, then what you want to do is you want to start playing with your own energy. If you tried to whip up your own energy or make your own wine glass sing, where that occurs for you. Again, I’m condensing this a lot. The way you would play with another person is, “I’m going to try to listen in to what radio station you’re broadcasting at.” I’m tuning into you like going up and down a radio dial. In my listening to you, when I can hear that I have your note, or your radio station, again, like for musicians like you’re tuning that guitar or you’re trying to find that musical chord that’s the right one, when you’re like, “Ah, that’s it.”

The basic way to play with somebody is I’m then going to set myself — again, this is not science — to that note and then I’m going to make myself vibrate or broadcast on that radio frequency, and I’m going to turn my volume up, so that my vibration, because it’s tuned to your note, starts getting you to vibrate.

Cathy: It’s like a wineglass nearby would start to sing if they’re the same.

Reid: If they’re the same size wineglasses, same frequency. Same thing for our scientists out there, if you take two tuning forks at the same note, hit one, the sound waves coming off that because this turning fork is the same note, will start to vibrate as well. Make sense?

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: And you’re a scientist.

Cathy: I am.

Reid: You have a PhD.

Cathy: I do.

Reid: You do.

Cathy: Even if you’re an engineer, a scientist, and you’re skeptical, it’s worth giving it a shot. Research.

Reid: It’s at least worth trying. And this is why coming at it from this pragmatic perspective — and I speak woo-woo fluently, but not coming at it from an om shanti shanti perspective can be useful if you happen to be partnered to or have friends who are skeptics. If you come at them with the woo-woo, they shut down and they don’t want to play usually, because you’ve flipped their skeptic switch. If you come at them and say, “Hey listen, this isn’t science, but I want to try something” then they’re more open, and in being open, you can actually play with them. It’s like you’re playing Frisbee and you can play catch. If you just come at them and say, “This Frisbee is science!” and whip it at them, they’ll say, “Go screw yourself.”

Cathy: So, let’s do another video on being present?

Reid: Yes, let’s do that.

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Navigating Open Relationships with Reid Mihalko Propositions Baltimore August 12th http://reidaboutsex.com/navigating-open-relationships-with-reid-mihalko-propositions-baltimore-august-12th/ http://reidaboutsex.com/navigating-open-relationships-with-reid-mihalko-propositions-baltimore-august-12th/#comments Wed, 22 Jul 2015 16:37:15 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7697

Two hamsters dangle from a twig presenting another hamster with a flowerOpening up any relationship takes skill, patience and perseverance. Mistakes will be made. But why make any more than you have to?

Dating several people at once, and want to learn how to do it with panache? You’ve heard about polyamory and swinging, but still can’t figure out how it works, why anyone would choose it, or where to start? You enjoy being monogamous, but suspect that you and your significant other might more “monogam’ish…”

With the dizzying array of relationship options available to people who’ve decided to go “off the map,” how do you, and your partner (if you’ve got one), plot a course that works? And what do you do when the inevitable challenges arise?

Join sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko for a two-hour workshop devoted to single people, couples, and multiple partners who are curious about or are already charting new courses in the “open seas” of their relationship lives.

In this interactive, revealing evening, you will learn:

  • The most common pitfalls of open relationships and how to avoid them
  • How to  merge different styles of nonmonagamy so that everyone ends up happy
  • Five things that will help you survive any open relationship exploration
  • The secret key to turning jealousy into a blessing

This workshop is open to couples and singles of all sexual orientations and relationship statuses.

Date: Wednesday August 12th, 2015
Time: 6:30-8:30pm
Location: Sugar, 1001 West 36th Street, Baltimore, MD 21211 Go HERE to for more info!
Cost: $25.00/Get your tickets HERE!

Invite Your Friends To Join Us Via FACEBOOK HERE

ABOUT REID: Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in their relationships and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be.

From his rated-PG/PG-13 workshops (Cuddle Party, Speed-Flirting) to the rated-R (Iron Slut Sex Educator Showdown) to his explicit, NC-17 rated, Show-N-Tell sex education workshops (where audiences get to watch, take notes, and ask questions), Reid’s workshops have been attended by close to 30,000 individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating on fulfilling his mission: Create more self-esteem, self-confidence and health for adults in and out of the bedroom.

Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality and is a sought-after presenter and teacher at colleges and sex positive stores across the country.

Reid has been a writer and producer on a number of films and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, Details, People, Newsweek and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

Follow Reid twittering as @ReidAboutSex.

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Energetic Sex: Being Present with Touch http://reidaboutsex.com/energetic-sex-being-present-with-touch/ http://reidaboutsex.com/energetic-sex-being-present-with-touch/#comments Mon, 20 Jul 2015 15:00:19 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6367

Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com discuss energetic sex, and being present with touch to create the electric feeling.

Reid: This is Video 3 of the Energetic Sex.

Cathy: And this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid: Yes, and this is our little wineglass from the last ones. If you haven’t watched the first two, it will make a lot more sense if you watch the first two.

Cathy: Being present is really important. There’s a lot of people if you’re on a date with them, or whatever and they touching you it’s kind of like that.

Reid: That would be weird date.

Cathy: I’ve been on some weird dates.

Reid: They just do that like that?

Cathy: Well, they’re trying.

Reid: Are you on fire? Are they trying to put you out?

Cathy: I’m not sure. No. I’ve been on some amazing dates but some people have never learned anything beyond 7th grade, so they think that when they touch someone—

Reid:  –tag.

Cathy: Yes, it’s kind of tag, it’s like, “Okay, isn’t this hot?”

Reid: “I’m going to hit you with my lunchbox.”

Cathy: When we’re more present with our touch and more aware of the feeling, it’s a lot more sensual, so if we can be present with how our fingers feel when we stroke someone or touch someone, it changes the energy completely. So for energetic sex–

Reid: This is almost like a requirement. So the difference — if I can use your arm again. The difference is if I’m going so fast that I can’t feel you, it’s almost like I’m driving in a car trying to read the street signs, I’m going too fast, I can’t actually see the information.

Cathy: So you can’t tune to the energy.

Reid: So I want to slow down enough so that I’m actually traveling, or touching, at the speed of being able to pick up the sensation, and that would be a better speed for me to be able to listen. For some people, being still is actually what they need, and it might be for you, the receiver, being still but for me, the toucher, you’re the touchee, me being still might help me have a better listening for what’s going on.

Cathy: It helps me relax too and other women I’ve talked to said the same thing, if someone’s moving too fast, I’m never relaxing enough to even emit a frequency.

Reid: Sure.

Cathy: Or to be really present and feel what’s happening. I’m thinking, “What’s going to happen next?”

Reid: So the rule for energetic sex, especially starting off, is going slow. Go to your wine glass place, watch the other two videos if you haven’t. Listening into your partner, trying to figure out what their note is, or their radio station, and then when I can tune into you, what I’m imagining I’m doing is almost like a water faucet.

Again, these are just images, we don’t have science for this yet, what I’m doing is I’m turning up the water faucet, and making it louder, your wine glass will vibrate more if I’m giving more energy to you, and then in that with me vibrating, you start to vibrate, your vibrations will start vibrating, and then we’ll get into a feedback loop. And we’ll be right back.  Because the food’s here that we ordered.

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Register for the FREE “Top 3 Things I Learned At Sex Geek Summer Camp” Call! http://reidaboutsex.com/register-for-the-free-top-3-things-i-learned-at-sex-geek-summer-camp-call/ http://reidaboutsex.com/register-for-the-free-top-3-things-i-learned-at-sex-geek-summer-camp-call/#comments Sat, 18 Jul 2015 20:43:52 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7674

SignUpArrow“This One Time at Sex Geek Summer Camp…”

Join us on this free, post-Camp call and learn:

  • How camp went and hear a few of the hilarious as well as inspirational highlights…
  • The 3 top, cutting edge business tips and tactics Reid revealed at Camp…
  • How YOU can start implementing those tips and tactics in your own sex ed business…

If you want to improve your career success, feel more confident about business in a way that has your friends and family finally see how passionate and brilliant you are, then join us on this free, 60-min call.

*This call will be recorded and the replay link will be emailed to those who register below.

Join us LIVE
so you can take advantage of
Reid’s “Only Good for Those On The Call” special, post-camp, invite!

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Energetic Sex: Mindfulness to Make Relationships Hotter! http://reidaboutsex.com/energetic-sex-mindfulness-to-make-relationships-hotter/ http://reidaboutsex.com/energetic-sex-mindfulness-to-make-relationships-hotter/#comments Fri, 17 Jul 2015 15:00:16 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6368

Want a hotter connection? More spice in your relationships? How can mindfulness help? Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com discuss energetic connection and mindfulness.

Cathy: Hi everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com and this is Video 4. We don’t know how many there are going to be.

Cathy: It’s a surprise.

Reid: Energetic sex, we just keep coming. It’s nuts. You were talking about mindfulness.

Cathy: Right, being mentally present. I’ll get into that too, like while I have a lot of things I need to do and I’m thinking about the next thing that I want to do when I’m already doing something. But when we’re engaging with physical connection it’s really nice if you’re actually present for what you’re doing, so if you’re kissing someone you’re not already thinking, “How far can I get. Where am I going to go next. Is that person going to let me go to the next base” or whatever, you can actually be present and there for the kissing.

Reid: In your experience how does that help?

Cathy: The sensations are more present and more intense, and also the other person senses it. If someone is kissing but thinking about, “Oh, is she going to want me to take her bra off” I can kind of tell they’re not really there.

Reid: You can tell? Oh my God, how embarrassing.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: My seventh grade side is like, “Oh my God, they know!”

Cathy: You can tell if someone’s, “Okay, I’m going to kiss her for two minutes, and then I’m going to try to move to the next phase.” It’s not as present, it’s not as hot, and it’s not as juicy or not a good connection. Do you have any tips on staying present?

Reid: This is all inside the energetic thing. You’re listening for the note that’s working and trying—

Cathy: –it’s hard to listen if you’re doing your grocery list.

Reid: Yes. So in that way you have an agenda to begin with, because you’re trying to hit this pitch with this note, but it’s different than going through some sort of grocery list, some sort of checklist. What I’m trying to do is I’m trying to find the sweet spot rather than go step 1, 2, 3. That might be confusing for some of you, but again, we’re talking about something that’s actually experiential, so these are things where you have to give yourself space to try and not get it, and let it be frustrating, and once you…if you can find your partner’s note and start to broadcast it and turn up the volume, or the spigot/faucet to your energy such that when they start resonating, their vibration is now floating onto you, and because you’re at that same note, you’re vibrating more, and you guys get into a feedback loop, and then the energy just kind of shifts and starts to expand.

That’s probably the easiest way that I know of to teach people or introduce people to paying with energetic sex, but like you’re saying, if you’re not being mindful, trying to be present with the people that you’re playing with and you’re not moving slow enough to be able to pick up the sensation and slow enough for them to pick up the sensation, it’s very hard to find any kind of note, and you’re really just stumbling around in the dark.

Cathy: Thank you.

Reid: You’re welcome. Try it, and there’s no science for this. Maybe you will discover it.

 

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What Do You Do If Your Partner Screws Up In a Relationship? http://reidaboutsex.com/what-do-you-do-if-your-partner-screws-up-in-a-relationship/ http://reidaboutsex.com/what-do-you-do-if-your-partner-screws-up-in-a-relationship/#comments Tue, 14 Jul 2015 15:00:40 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6338

What Do You Do If Your Partner Screws Up In a Relationship? How do you address your concerns and feelings in a empowering, clear way that can actually bring more trust and love to your connection?

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com for the answers to this and more!

The other video we refer to is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgCoZl_CtRg

 

 

Cathy: Welcome, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com, and this is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. We have another video where we talked about what to do if you screw up,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LASwylrlUc4

and we’re asking now: What do you do if your partner screws up? How do you bring that up in an open way that they don’t feel defensive and they don’t shut down too much, and you still get to the other side of it?

Reid: Make sure you watch the first video because none of my jokes will make sense if you haven’t watched it! So what do you do if the other person screws up? The first thing – and this is useful for any kind of scenario – is understanding that most people, including yourself, probably don’t handle new information well, or surprises really well right at first, especially around screw ups.

So when your partner or your friend or your boss, or whoever, when they screw up, the first thing is just to recognize that you’re probably not handling it well. You’re like, “Wow – look at me, freaking out!” or “Look at me, feeling enraged!” or unfairly treated, or whatever that is. Get a lock on that, because that will often help you stay in your body and start to interrupt your pattern.

Cathy: Yeah, if you’re beating yourself up or blaming yourself or trying to shut it down, it’s going to come out sideways.

Reid: Yeah. So get a grip on that. The next thing to do is thank your partner for sharing, for telling you in the first place, because Lord knows how many people have had people not tell us things for months or weeks or whatever. Sometimes you can flip those two.

You know, when somebody gives you bad information, you immediately thank them. Because what it does is it gets you to use your brain a little bit. “Oh, wait…I’m thanking him for bringing us bad news. I’m not supposed to be so upset?” And that’s really useful.

So figure out which one works better for you and then stick to that routine. Because what you don’t want to do is flip out and basically take a bigger bucket of muck and toss it on the fan that is now spewing their shit! The shit has hit the fan, and you’re going to be like, “Oh yeah? Well, here’s MY bucket…RAAARGHHH!” You don’t want to do that.

So thank them and get a lock on yourself that you’re having an emotional reaction to new information. Breathe. And then what I do is, I try to get as clear as I can what my concerns are. What are my fears and concerns? What are my needs? And then, what is my request?

Cathy:  Yes.

Reid: The other thing that does is, it keeps me in my “thinking head.” It’s not that you’re trying to shut down your emotive body and push that stuff down, but basically if you’re giving me bad information right now, it really helps me to figure out, to assess the situation.

What are my concerns? What are my needs? What is my request? And then if it’s like, well, okay, I can wait a minute – if it’s not a life-or-death situation – then I can have my emotive freak-out or whatever I need to do, and then get back to the situation.

Cathy: But if you’re looking for solutions, your subconscious brain doesn’t feel so disempowered and frightened. Your solution, or your request, is “Are there things I could do differently in the future?” and you feel more empowered.

Reid: And some people don’t work well going into fix-it mode immediately, so that’s why I do “concerns, needs, then requests” rather than “we must fix this situation.” So once you figure out what your concerns or fears are, get a lock on that. What your needs are, get a lock on that. And then you voice them. You can voice all three.

So, in our example from the last video, bonehead me left our kid at the store and I can’t remember which store it was. I forgot my kid was with me, and I’m telling my partner I don’t have our kid. So if you did that to me, first I’d be like, “Okay,” [takes deep breath] and say “Thank you so much for telling me!”

Cathy: [laughs]

Reid: [takes two deep breaths] “The fruit of my loins is somewhere in the city. [takes deep breath] Okay, what are my concerns? My son is already dead…”

Cathy: Yes, you’d be really frightened.

Reid: Yes. “…or mentally scarred, or being taken advantage of by some nefarious character. We will never find him or her. They will be mentally handicapped for the rest of their life by this traumatic experience. I will go to jail because I’m about to kill you for being such a bonehead, and I will never be able to trust you again.” Those are my concerns and fears.

My needs? “I need you to find my freaking son! I need to feel like I am somehow taking action and empowered in this situation which I did not create. I eventually need to locate our child and make sure that they’re well. And then I need you to apologize, and I need to know from you somehow, that I can count on you, that this will NOT happen again! I need some sort of reassurance, and that’s going to be up to you to figure that out.”

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: And then, by vocalizing those things, now that I’ve gotten to my request, I’m like, “Oh.” So my request is, “You’re going to apologize A LOT to me later, but right now we’re going to call 911. We’re going to retrace your steps. I want to see your receipts. I want to know what stores you were at, and we’re going to figure this out. And I need for that to happen NOW.”

Cathy: And if you’re on the receiving end of that, if you can have space for them to feel and share what they want to feel without blaming, like “You left him at the store last week, and you aren’t perfect either!” It’s really easy…

Reid: “Oh yeah? Well, at least I left him at a mall. YOU left him at a FLEA MARKET!”

Cathy: Yeah. It’s really easy for it to get into blame and bring up things from ten years ago and try to justify, when, if you can just have space for the other person, it de-escalates the situation and gets to resolution a lot faster.

Reid: There you go.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: “Now GO FIND MY KID!”

Cathy: [laughs]

Reid: [winks]

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Sex Positive Business Advise: When Can Bouncing Be A Good Thing? http://reidaboutsex.com/sex-positive-business-advise-when-can-bouncing-be-a-good-thing/ http://reidaboutsex.com/sex-positive-business-advise-when-can-bouncing-be-a-good-thing/#comments Tue, 14 Jul 2015 15:00:05 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7354

How can you create engagement with your list in your sex positive business? Bounce with them! With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: When can bouncing be useful in a business? Not this kind of bouncing.

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com, creator of http://SexGeekSummerCamp.com.

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: This is a business advice video, relationships and business.

Cathy: They do go together.

Reid: Yes. What is bouncing?

Cathy: Your list is only valuable if you have a great relationship with it. Bouncing is something that’s used in some dating circles to mean taking someone to different locations quickly so that it is …

Reid: Yeah, either in a date or in the same restaurant or bar.

Cathy: Yeah, because our brain subconsciously feel safer with someone you’ve interacted with in different locations and in different ways.

Reid: Think of montages in romantic comedies where they go to the carnival and then they throw the balls and he gets the prize, and now they are by the river and now they are rowing in the canoe. You are sharing a bunch of different experiences visually and so our brains basically think there is all this other stuff that happened. You can actually create that in real space, in real time and you can do it digitally as evidence by this next bit of advice.

Cathy: If you invite someone in your email to engage with you on Facebook and Twitter and they go there and they have really good experiences, you invite them to interact with you in different ways by replying to a survey or replying to the email.

Reid: Leaving their own video comment.

Cathy: Yes, they start associating you as someone who is really important in their life and that can build a relatedness that lets you connect with them and make a bigger difference in their life.

Reid: This is a way for you to create engagement, it would be a marketing term, with your list, with the people that are following you. Also by you inviting them to do things that take place in different places Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and inviting them to do different things, leave a comment, shoot a response video, those kinds of actions. You are also training them to take you up on your invitations and now that they are leaving your email and going to Facebook and liking your Facebook page you’ve invited them to do what would be called a micro commitment, but then the information and their relationship for you starts showing up on different areas in their life on different platforms in the social media so not only do they start to realize, “Oh, my goodness. Cathy Vartuli is everywhere.” They are running in to your amazing advice in lots of different places so that starts to anchor which allows you to train them and to teach them in more powerful ways so they can integrate the information and actually transform their lives.

Cathy: The added benefit for this is there is different ways you can ask them to engage with you. When someone if you ask them for support or help with something and they help you, they are now invested in you being successful. Just like if you’ve ever helped anyone out in a way that you felt like you gave something of yourself, you want to see them succeed. If you ask them for a feedback on a book title or …

Reid: How do you answer … could you do this survey for me?

Cathy: Yeah. They suddenly are more invested. They care about you doing well, and they care about your business in a different way, and they feel like they contributed to something they care about so it’s a win-win. You get this great information, they feel more invested, and like they did something good. By engaging with them in a powerful way this way you can build really deep connections in a relatively quick period of time.

Reid: What did you get out of this video and where would you like us to bounce you next? Leave your comments or your video responses below.

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Reid at Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit August 13-15 in DC http://reidaboutsex.com/reid-at-woodhull-sexual-freedom-summit-august-2015/ http://reidaboutsex.com/reid-at-woodhull-sexual-freedom-summit-august-2015/#comments Tue, 14 Jul 2015 05:27:01 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7632

WoodhullSquarePicThe Sex Geek Goes To Washington!

Join me and several other amazing SexGeeks for expert panels and interactive workshops at Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit happening in Washington DC this Aug 13-16th, 2015!

Together we will explore a full range of sexual freedom issues. We will share information and strategies to use in our fight for human rights and sexual freedom, and against the denial of our identities, relationships and families, the undermining of our health care and reduction of our access to sexuality education, and the criminalization of our sexual expression and pleasure.

WoodhullBanner2015
We will share information and strategies to use in the fight for human rights and sexual freedom, and against the denial of the right to relationships, and families. We will address the undermining of access to health care and reduction of access to comprehensive sexuality education, as well as the criminalization of sexual expression and pleasure.

While the Summit’s focus is serious, it is also a time for fun and celebration too!

When: Aug 13-16, 2015
Where: Washington DC
Register: HERE!

 

We’d love to see you! And if you can’t make it, please consider supporting the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance!

Donate to Woodhull HERE.

 

About Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance: The Sexual Freedom Summit features human rights activists, sexuality educators and researchers, professionals from the legal and medical fields, authors, sexual freedom movement leaders and organizational partners all working toward the time when sexual freedom is fully recognized as a fundamental human right.

This Summit is for EVERYONE interested in learning about the issues in the realm of sexual freedom, advancing their current knowledge and in gaining the tools to actually create the change we need to accomplish.

 

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Consider Opening Up Your Relationship? How Do You Talk To Your Partner? http://reidaboutsex.com/consider-opening-up-your-relationship-how-do-you-talk-to-your-partner/ http://reidaboutsex.com/consider-opening-up-your-relationship-how-do-you-talk-to-your-partner/#comments Sat, 11 Jul 2015 15:00:00 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6372

Want to talk to your partner about opening up your relationship? How do you bring up the subject?

Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and  Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share ideas and resources for talking about polyamory and open relationships.

Cathy: Have you been thinking about opening up your relationship? Are you terrified of speaking to your partner about it? You’re not sure what they’re going to say or do. It’s really common. A lot of people go there. Reid, why is it important to talk to your partner about it?

Reid: So that you’re not scared because holding back information will usually get you more and more anxious. It will take up more bandwidth in your head. You’ll probably start worrying about something, or it’ll really be bothering you. You’ll spend so much energy trying to forget that you’re thinking about this all the time. That your partner might notice. And then they’re going, what’s going on? Why are you so weird? And then they’re going to start mistrusting you and being like, you’re obviously holding something back. It just erodes the intimacy.

Cathy: If you’re resisting an experience you really want to have, eventually you start resenting the other person the most part. That’s not good for a long term relationship. This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: There’s several different things you can do to gather information before you have this conversation, so you can go in. A lot of people have no idea what an open relationship is. So if you just sit down with your spouse or your partner and say, I want to open up our relationship, they’ll be like…

Reid: They’re always going to think the worst case scenario for them. Whenever you start a new conversation with people and you say, hey, I want to do such and such. Most people will jump to the worst case scenario, not the best case scenario.

Cathy: So you get to get some information and find out what appeals to you and what different possibilities there are. There’s Showtime, Married and Dating.

Reid: Polyamory, Married and Dating. Showtime show that just aired.

Cathy:[inaudible 0:01:55] did a great job. They showed some really beautiful possibilities. That’s a good place to check it out.

Reid: And that’s just one kind of polyamory, that one couple there. There’s also a triad that was on the show. So understand that you have a lot of different… non-monogamy can look a bunch of different ways, so at some point, you want to do your research. I recommend having the conversation first and then going and doing the research together.

Cathy: That’s really beautiful.

Reid: Basically approaching this scary conversation like it’s a difficult conversation of which we have lots of information on our websites about this and another video that you can check out. You basically want to tell your partner, this is what you’re worried about, what you’re afraid of, this is what I’d like to have happened by telling you this thing and then here it is. In this case, I’m curious about open relationships. What do you think? And then you just like, wait for their answer.

Your partner might freak out a little bit because they’re going to their worst case scenario but inviting them to do research with you, and this is killer and important, tell them, reassure them, that just talking about something doesn’t mean you have to do it. If you go to your partner and you’re like, I’d like to get a puppy, and then have a conversation about getting a puppy, it doesn’t mean you have to get a puppy. Same thing with open relationships. But they’re just a lot scarier for most people than puppies.

Cathy: So it might look like going to your partner and saying, honey, I’d really like to talk to you about something. I’m scared that by bringing this up, you’re going to freak out and leave me, that you’re going to shut down, that you’re going to always be questioning whether I’m being faithful to you. I’d really like this to bring more connection and love into our relationship and let us both be self-expressed, whatever we decide to do and what I am telling you is I’m curious about open relationships.

Reid: We recommend Tristan Taormino’s book, Opening Up, great resource for lots of different kinds of non-monogamy and reinforce to your partners over and over again, we’re just talking about this, this doesn’t mean we’re doing anything. A lot of people in relationships feel more comfortable when they know and you’ve reassured them that if we’re going to do anything, it’s going to be a lot of conversations and some serious decision-making. It’s not like, hey, honey, how about we open up the relationship? And then the next morning, you show up with your new boyfriend. No. That’s not how it works.

Cathy: It really helps to have a lot of information. We’re not saying that people, everyone should have open relationships, we just want to provide information for people that are curious about that. Different relationships fit for different people, different couples. So you get to decide what’s right for you and your partner.

Reid: Not every family should have a puppy.

Cathy: If you’d like to leave some comments or subscribe to this YouTube channel, we’d love to see you.

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