ReidAboutSex http://reidaboutsex.com Sex and Relationship Expert Reid Mihalko's offical site Sun, 16 Aug 2015 15:00:07 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2.4 What Is Intimacy? http://reidaboutsex.com/what-is-intimacy/ http://reidaboutsex.com/what-is-intimacy/#comments Sun, 16 Aug 2015 15:00:07 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6352

What is intimacy and how do you create it? It’s about safety and openness, and it can make live so delicious!

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she talks to sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com about creating more intimacy in your life.

Cathy:  Hey, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com, and I’m here today with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. So Reid, how do you define intimacy?

Reid:  How do I define intimacy? Well, I can make a joke about “into me, you see…”

Mostly the way that I would define intimacy is the experience that happens, the connection that can happen between two people or more – when people feel safe enough to let themselves feel uncomfortable, and they’re being vulnerable and transparent. I think that kind of connection and the trust that gets built out of that transparency and vulnerability, even if it’s just a quick, really powerful conversation that you have with somebody on a bus, or something. You have those days where people just open up to a stranger. Like, you create connection and intimacy, and it has nothing to do with duration. But that moment of being connected and the “seeing each other” that’s happening, and the vulnerability that’s being role-modeled – for me, that’s what intimacy is.

Cathy:  It’s seeing the actual person and being yourself, not being the shell. For a long time, growing up, I had been kind of – whether they meant to teach me that or not, I got the message that I had to be something, to be a certain way to be acceptable. So I was always projecting this false shell of myself.

Reid:  Yeah.

Cathy:  I didn’t think it was acceptable to be myself. So there was no intimacy because I was never letting anyone connect with me.

Reid:  No.

Cathy:  So being vulnerable is really frightening, especially if you haven’t done it before.

Reid:  Yeah, and when you’re not being vulnerable and letting people see you, they actually can’t witness you. And the other piece about intimacy which is really useful is this kind of feeling of people “getting you,” or being there for you. So the act of witnessing – you know, listening, seeing, and having somebody taking that they’re being seen and they’re being heard – is another quality of intimacy that’s very, very powerful in today’s really busy world. And certainly, with digital opportunities to stay connected with people, it’s harder and harder to have that experience of intimacy and feeling connected. And so the importance of it is, I think, more important now than ever because people are experiencing it less and less on a regular basis.

Cathy:  It’s incredibly nourishing when you’re truly with someone and you’re letting yourself out of your shell, so to speak. It’s revitalizing.

Reid:  Yes. And again, harking back to Cuddle Party – http://CuddleParty.com is a workshop that I helped found back in 2004 – the thing I like to say is, part of what Cuddle Party is, is a workshop where you learn how to create a safe space for yourself so that then you can invite other people into that safe space. And when you have that self-awareness and the communications skills to start asking for what you want, having boundaries, being able to say no powerfully, change your mind, those things – when you have those skills and can start creating that safe space for yourself in social situations, you can invite people in who may not have those skill sets the way that you do, and then all of a sudden you’re role-modeling for them that it’s safe to come into the water.

Cathy:  Right.

Reid:  And then they can be with you in a way – again, that most people aren’t experiencing on a day-to-day basis – which allows you to be the one who is generating or initiating the intimacy. Again, this is so nourishing, and so needed in today’s lives. And it’s not difficult, although it can be scary. Because being vulnerable feels vulnerable – and a lot of people are like, “Aaaaugh!”

Cathy:  You can start with baby steps. You don’t have to go out to someone you don’t know and kind of just bare your soul. You can practice saying hello to a few people and just being really present with that hello, and being present with yourself, and gradually grow it from there.

Reid:  Yes. Awesome. I hope that helps. Leave some comments below. Let us know what you think. Tell us – ask us questions.  Her! http://TheIntimacyDojo.com!

Cathy:  Thanks, Reid.

Reid:  You’re welcome. Bye!

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Sign-Up and Get Access To Some Great Engagement Resources for Your Sex-Pos Biz! http://reidaboutsex.com/sign-up-and-get-access-to-some-great-engagement-resources-for-your-sex-pos-biz/ http://reidaboutsex.com/sign-up-and-get-access-to-some-great-engagement-resources-for-your-sex-pos-biz/#comments Thu, 13 Aug 2015 20:40:52 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7731

SignUpArrowImproving Your Reach and Audience Engagement Is Just 1-Click Away…

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If you want to improve your career success, feel more confident about business in a way that has your friends and family finally see how passionate and brilliant you are, and inspire your audience, sign-up for free, 24/7 access to these useful resources and more!

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Rough Sex for Nice Folks With Reid in DC August 16 http://reidaboutsex.com/rough-sex-for-nice-folks-with-reid-in-dc-august-16/ http://reidaboutsex.com/rough-sex-for-nice-folks-with-reid-in-dc-august-16/#comments Mon, 10 Aug 2015 18:46:51 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7724

Martial Arts Techniques for the bedroom so YOU can be a blackbelt at sex…

If you’re a lover, not a fighter, but you or your lover like it a little rough, let America’s favorite sex geek (and double black belt), Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex.com, show you how you can safely be a bad ass in bed. From wresting to rough sex to advanced ergonomic techniques, join us for this humorous and informative workshop (with live demos!) on how to unleash your inner Bruce Lee of the bedroom.

In this class for all genders and orientations we’ll cover:

  • Rough sex for nice guys
  • The best sex positions, proper body positioning and ergonomics for harder, stronger, longer sex
  • Why and how wrestling can be a turn-on
  • Wrestling techniques that are safe, easy and fun
  • Hair-pulling 101
  • How to move your partner’s body around the bed with more ease
  • And much more!

No matter your experience level, orientation, relationship status, this class is going to be educational, fun, and give you some delicious bedroom kung-fu.  Sit and watch as Reid demonstrates how easy it is to be a black belt at sex! We’ll even have plenty of room for your questions! Join us! Bring friends! Bring a note book!

If you’ve been waiting to go back to school, look no further than this humorous and informative workshop that you’re guaranteed never to fail out of!

Date: Sunday Aug 16th, 2015
Time: 7:00-8:30pm
Location: Lotus Blooms, 1017 King Street, Alexandria VA 22314 
Cost: $25 per person in advance
Tickets: Please Reserve your spot HERE!

Invite Your Friends To Join Us Via FACEBOOK HERE

 

Curious about booking Reid for a private class? Go HERE!

ABOUT REID: Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in their relationships and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be.

Reid has appeared on Oprah’s Our America With Lisa Ling on OWN, the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Dr. Phil’s The Doctors on CBS, Bravo’s Miss Advised, Fox News, in Newsweek, Seventeen, GQ, People, Details, Marie Claire, The National Enquirer, The Washington Post, on VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio, Playboy Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

To date, Reid’s workshops and lectures have been attended by close to 40,000 men and women. Reid has been a featured speaker and keynote at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality and is a sought-after presenter and teacher at colleges and sex positive organizations across the country. Reid has also been a writer, producer and behind the scenes consultant on a number of films and television projects about sex and relationships

Follow Reid twittering as @ReidAboutSex. Like and subscribe to his Facebook page, Facebook.com/ReidAboutSex!

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How To Be a Better Flirt http://reidaboutsex.com/how-to-be-a-better-flirt/ http://reidaboutsex.com/how-to-be-a-better-flirt/#comments Mon, 10 Aug 2015 15:00:55 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6350

How can you be better at flirting? Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she asks sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com how to improve flirtation skills and connect with more people, and have fun doing it!

The link for Reid’s Speed Flirting Top Ten Tips is:
http://tinyurl.com/Speed-FlirtingTopTenTipsWMM

Follow up video on The Innuendo Game is here:


Cathy:  Hey everyone, I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com and this is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Reid, I don’t consider myself a good flirt. What can I do to be a better flirt?

Drink coffee? Does that help? (laughing)

Reid: Mmm hmm.

Cathy:  (laughing) We’re going to scare them away.

Reid:  Oh no… They’re riveted… (sips coffee)

Cathy:  (laughing) So you have an article on speed flirting?

Reid: Mmm hmm.

Cathy:  Uh-huh. (laughing) You’re so funny.

Reid: Alright, speed flirting! (laughter) Don’t be a jackass like Reid, you’ll have much better luck! (laughter) Ok, speed flirting was a workshop that I created, to just give people permission to be playful and interactive with people and invite them to be playful back.

Cathy:  Mmm hmm.

Reid: So my definition, first off, about flirting is that it’s not this big heavy romantic thing. And it doesn’t have to lead anywhere.

Cathy:  So I don’t have to learn to batt my lashes and look up at you?

Reid:  I mean you can, but I would only use that as a total dork, cheeseball way of flirting.

Cathy:  Yeah, those books have never felt right to me, they always felt very manipulative.

Reid: But body language is a weird fuzzy area to try to get into. And I’m a big geek on clarity of communication.

Cathy:  Mmm Hmm.

Reid:  Because, one, if I misread your mind, oh my God, you know, I could totally screw things up. But the idea that what I’m actually doing with flirting is creating an interaction that’s playful, and inviting you to play back.

Cathy:  And being authentic, rather than pretending to be a certain way.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy:  Counting how long you look down.

Reid: Yeah, I mean, there’s certainly a way to do that.

Cathy:  Yeah.

Reid: But you have to recognize what you’re doing is, you’re playing. And people make flirting way too serious, which is not playful, so there’s no flirt. It’s like you’re going right for the seduction thing, and it’s not playful. It can be really confronting. And so what I invite people to do – actually, which is really kind of dorky – is be really up front with people, and be like, “Do you mind if I flirt with you?”

Cathy:  (laughing)

Reid:  And most people would be like, “What?” And you’re like, “I would like to flirt with you. May I flirt with you? And you’re invited to flirt with me back. Maybe we could try this for the next two minutes. How would that sound?”

Cathy:  Wow. So what about people that aren’t quite ready to… I mean, it’s a great idea, but for those of us that aren’t quite ready to walk up to someone and ask if they can flirt?”

Reid:  I mean, now all of a sudden you’re like, from the back of the room, you’re just kinda like… (making a face) …which just looks like something’s wrong with your face.

Cathy:  Right. But you can be playful…

Reid: You can be shy.

Cathy:  You don’t have to actually specify that you’re going to flirt with them, and you can still be playful with them.

Reid: Yeah, but I’m… I mean, this is my radical, weird advice. Being playful… Even if you and I…in the beginning of this, right?

Cathy:  Uh huh.

Reid:  I’m being playful.

Cathy:  Right.

Reid:  You know that I’m being playful.

Cathy:  Yes.

Reid:  And then if I feel like you had this weird reaction…

Cathy:  Like I was ready to run out the door?

Reid:  I could say “Hey, I’m being playful – (whispers) come back.”

Cathy:  (laughing)

Reid: You know, now that sounds really confronting. But the piece there, is that you just need to work on your anxiety around breaking the ice.

Cathy:  Right.

Reid: People are either going to want to play or not. Some people won’t know what to do, because no one’s ever invited them to play. Or they have weird baggage around flirting, like, “What’s this supposed to mean?” In which case you say….

Cathy:  I mean you’re not a good person if you can’t flirt, like you’re not a sexy person.

Reid: Yeah. And take the whole performance piece of flirting, and throw it out the door please. That’s like giving a bunch of kids toys and saying, “You’re not allowed to play bad.” All of our American anxiety, and just cultural ‘over achievingness’ has seeped into flirting, which is why no one’s doing it, because no one’s having fun. So make it fun, ask people if they would like to play.

Cathy:  Mmm hmm.

Reid: If you see them… If you don’t want to be like me and say, “Hey, may I flirt with you?” And I do that mostly because I’m so energetic. You know? I’m the golden retriever on espresso. I don’t want people to freak out, that this big golden retriever is bounding towards them.

Cathy:  (laughter) … licking their face.

Reid: Yeah. So I warn them. “Hey, you know, I’m feeling flirty.”

Cathy:  (laughter)

Reid: “Would you like to flirt with me?” For those of you who don’t have to worry about the big golden retriever thing, initiate being playful. Give them good cues to be playful back. If they don’t get it immediately, say, “Hey, I’m being playful. Flirt back with me.”

Cathy:  Yeah.

Reid: If they still don’t get it, that’s your answer – that you shouldn’t be flirting with them, because they didn’t get it quick enough.

Cathy:  So you can go and play with someone else.

Reid: Yeah. Imagine flirting is like Frisbee. You’re in the park, you have a Frisbee. You wave your frisbee at somebody who’s like 30 yards away. They stop, and you’re like…

Cathy:  (laughter)

Reid: …and they’re like…

Cathy:  (laughter)

Reid: You don’t just whip it at their head.

Cathy:  No, no.

Reid:  But if they’re like… You know you start off tentatively, and if they throw it back, and then you start playing.

Cathy:  Right.

Reid:  Flirting is so much like that. But we make it this live or die thing.

Cathy:  Yeah. If I’m bad at it, then I’m just this horrible person. I should live in a cave somewhere.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy:  And most people like to be invited to play. Most people want to be more outgoing than they are. And you said that you give them cues to know that you’re playing, and how to play back.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy:  What kind of cues do you give them? (laughter)

Reid:  You can be like “Hi…” You can be like… (laughter) No, that could just look weird. Mostly it’s vocal intonations, it’s conscious use of body language, the unconscious is always going to be going on. So you can be totally into somebody and just be like… (laughing) ….then be embarrassed. (laughter) And then like… (laughing harder) And, you’re always going to have that going on. But you can be very flirty with your voice.

Cathy:  Yes.

Reid:  Be very inviting, you know how you elongate words.

Cathy:  Yeah.

Reid:  Make sounds. If you feel embarrassed or dorky, immediately come up to them and be like “I feel really embarrassed and dorky, and I still want to play with you.” You know? Or if you feel anxious, like if things really start to get heated, like you actually make a connection, and somebody’s like, “Alright…”

Cathy:  (laughter)

Reid: “What do you got?” And you’re like, “Oh! the tingleys!”

Cathy:  (laughing more)

Reid:  I’m feeling the tingleys! You know? Breathe (inhale), breathe in that anxious rush, because that’s fun. It’s the bicycles going too fast but exciting fun.

Cathy:  Yes.

Reid:  And then just reinvite them. And be like “Wow, I’m feeling really kind of anxious.”

Cathy:  Yeah.

Reid: We’re going to shoot another video right after this, and I’m going to teach you a game called Innuendo. And that’s going to be the game, but we’re at like almost seven and a half minutes, so look for Innuendo! Come back!

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Register For YOUR Quick Intro To Affiliate Marketing for Sex Geeks [Free Call] http://reidaboutsex.com/register-for-your-quick-intro-to-affiliate-marketing-for-sex-geeks-free-call/ http://reidaboutsex.com/register-for-your-quick-intro-to-affiliate-marketing-for-sex-geeks-free-call/#comments Mon, 10 Aug 2015 04:54:37 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7718

WhatIfIToldYouAffiliateCallChange Lives One Link At a Time… YOUR Link!

Yep. Get a special link to promote the content you’re excited about… Share that link with your friends, family, and followers… And support yourself, others, and Reid’s work all at once!

Join us on this free training call and learn how you becoming an affiliate sex geek can:

 
 
 
 

SignUpArrow

  • Help transform the lives of your friends, family, communities, and peers…
  • Support Reid in getting his work out into the world (and learn how you can support the work of other educators you love and respect)…
  • Put a little (maybe a lot of) extra money in your bank account helping make the world a more sex-positive and pleasure-filled place…

*This call will be recorded and the replay link will be emailed ONLY to those who register below.

 

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2015’s Sex Geek Summer Camp Video Contest Winners! http://reidaboutsex.com/2015-sex-geek-summer-camp-video-contest-winners/ http://reidaboutsex.com/2015-sex-geek-summer-camp-video-contest-winners/#comments Sun, 09 Aug 2015 18:57:58 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7713

Logo for sex and relationship educator Reid Mihalko's Sex Geek Summer Camp: a canoe with Hitachi Magic Wand vibrators for paddles and the words "Sex Geek Summer Camp" in wooden log letter font and SexGeekSummercamp.com all in white on a forest green background and "EST. 2014" across the canoeAnd The Winner Is…

We held a contest at Sex Geek Summer Camp 2015 to help Campers anchor new ideas, network, and get better at teaching and building a brand/reputation via video. (Contest Rules listed here, in case your the curious type: http://ReidAboutSex.com/video2win)

Below are all the camper videos submitted.

They ARE AMAZING!

We’ve listed the winning videos first. The rest of the submitted contest videos appear after in random order.

Enjoy the geekery! And congrats to everyone!

And The Winners Are…

First Prize:
Patrick Spahr

2nd Prize (The Newbie Award): It’s a Tie…
Mike Guichet

Vega Dandelion

3rd Prize:
Elizabeth Wood, Jane Breneman, Mike SkyWalker, and Dan Powers

Honorable Mentions:

Lisa Kahn, Dan Powers, and Elizabeth Wood

Brynn and Wolfgang


Congratulations the both of you!

Falk


We will also allow all sponsors videos to also be submitted in the sponsor video contest… (Hint, there may just be a sponsor video contest coming up shortly… If you want to start planning).

Brynn and QueenBe


You two really rocked it!

Brynn and Mark Ray


You both were really present and did a great job!

Brynn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbXsqfiLp44&feature=youtu.be
Love your vulnerability!

Dan and Elizabeth with Todd


You three did a GREAT job.

Njoy Pure Wand Product Review with Lisa Kahn, Elizabeth Wood- Njoy


Great job, Lisa and Elizabeth!

Fleshlight Product Review with Dan Powers- Fleshlight


Great tips and way to “Always Be Educating” and making the Fleshlight non-intimidating.

NJoy Product Review with Elizabeth Wood- NJoy


Great topic and beautiful expression and personal story!

Tantric Puja – Monique Darling Interview with Dan Powers


You both are really relaxed and natural!

Using Hypnosis for Better Sex – Todd Stevens Interview with Dan Powers and Elizabeth Wood


Easy flow between you all!

Njoy Pure Want tour of camp – Michelle and Ran -new to video- SGSC


Laughing!! You are So inventive!

Zhana interviewing Reid on Healthy Relationships


Great job!

Crushes, part 2: Zhana and Reid


Great flow!

Why Every Penis Needs A Fleshlight – Falk with Matie- Fleshlight


Nice job guys!

Trauma And The G-Spot – with Falk, Matie and Maya


Great peak into Camp! And interesting perspective

This Is What I Got Out Of Camp – Falk with Kelsey Obsession- SGSC


Love the Camp appreciation! So simple and so powerful with the “just running into Kelsey” and interviewing her.

Musings Of A Tired SexGeek Falk- SGSC


Nice frame and share!

This Is What I Got Out Of It – with Falk, Adam and Klazien- SGSC


Fun! Great energy and interaction with each other.

Pleasure Loop (The Short Short Version) – with Falk and Kenneth


Nice job, you two!

Mark

Sex Geek Summer Camp was an amazing experience. Teaching us how to create and incorporate what we wanted to teach into our websites and business models. My first foray into videos! Enjoy.

Posted by Southwest Tantra on Sunday, August 2, 2015

Way to go, Mark!

Fish – Thinking about SGSC


Love the message, Fish!!!

Sarah Welcome to Sex Camp


Fun! Love that you showed different aspects and talked about the different reasons people come to Camp!

Sarah and Lola Consent Interview


Way to go!

Queen Bee’s #1 Tip to Last Longer in Bed


Great job!!!

Shekina

Love your passion and your energy!

Congratulations to all the Campers, And
Thank YOU For Taking Action!

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What To Do If Your Lover Seems To Lose Interest http://reidaboutsex.com/what-to-do-if-your-lover-seems-to-lose-interest/ http://reidaboutsex.com/what-to-do-if-your-lover-seems-to-lose-interest/#comments Fri, 07 Aug 2015 15:00:53 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6342

Does your partner or lover seem less interested? Distracted? Maybe even bored? What do you do? How can you revitalize the relationship and bring back the passion you used to feel?

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she talks to sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com about creating more intimacy in your life.

Cathy:  Hi, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com, and we’re here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid:  Hi!

Cathy:  Reid, what do you do if it feels like your lover is losing interest?

Reid:  (pause) I’m sorry – what?

(loudly) You smack him! “What are you doing? Hey, pay attention to me!”

Cathy:  That doesn’t always work, and there’s a lot of folk tale out there about how you’re supposed to do it. You’re supposed to get fancy lingerie, you’re supposed to ignore them.

Reid:  Mmm hmm.

Cathy:  I’ve tried those things in relationships before.

Reid:  You haven’t tried them with me.

Cathy:  No! (laughing) I haven’t tried the smacking thing either, but that’s coming up there!

Reid:  Just ignore them in fancy lingerie while you smack them. (laughing) I know people who are into that.

Cathy:  (laughing) I’m sure you do. So can you answer the question?

Reid:  No! What do you do if your partner is a jackass? Um…

What I think you should do is sit down and have a real conversation with them. “This is what I’m feeling.” If you want to use the Difficult Conversations Formula from my website…

Cathy:  I’ll put the link to that below the video…

http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/

Reid:  That would be great. You know, “Here’s what I’m afraid of. Here’s what I’d like to create. Here’s what I want to talk about.” To have those conversations, to be real with each other, to figure out what’s up, rather than “I’m going to use these tactics to try to get your interest.”

Cathy:  It’s kind of manipulative, in a way.

Reid:  Well, yeah, I mean, there’s strategies. I mean, we can debate whether they’re truly manipulative. But I think, really, what’s needed is a conversation about “What interests you now?” And where do you guys share things in common? Or co-create something that excites both of you. Like, create something that is interesting to the two of you. And that, often, I think, will help jump-start something. The adage around “once people who have been together for a while who have kids, once the kids leave for college…”

Cathy:  They have no interest.

Reid:  They have no interest in each other because the group project of raising the family and getting them out of the nest is now complete. So the idea of creating a new team project… And again, you don’t have to have kids for that. You know, you could just be…

Cathy:  You don’t have to have another round of kids.

Reid:  Yeah. You don’t have to do that. But then, I think that’s one of the reasons why, with some couples, grandchildren are so important. It’s like the second wave of the project that they had rallied around, and there’s a lot of social context and support for those projects. But it can be whatever you guys want to create. And I think what needs to happen is you sit down and be like, “What interests you these days? I want to create something collaborative with each other that gets us excited. What is that for you? Do you have any ideas?” And you guys can start sketching it out.

In having a really real conversation like that, don’t be surprised if old emotional bullshit starts coming up to the surface. You know? It’s kind of like cleaning your pool. You have to dredge up all the crap that’s on the bottom since the fall. And so the water will get murky – understand that that can happen, and that nothing’s wrong. You guys are basically shaking up the Etch-A-Sketch to create a new drawing. And if you guys can get excited about the creating of a new drawing, often that will generate interest.

Other little things that can be useful: you taking an interest in your partner’s hobbies, the things that are already interesting to them. And it doesn’t mean, like, if I am into golf, you have to get into golf. But it can be you acknowledging me and approving of my interest in this area, and then asking, “Will you give me some approval and some accolades for this thing that I’m into?” And trying to share a certain amount of interest in things that you each find exciting. That might work too, if collaborating on a whole project seems like too much.

Cathy:  Right. I know that, sometimes when I’m feeling really depleted, it’s hard to be appreciative to someone else. So it can help to go get some of those needs met with a friend. Go to a friend and say, “I’m feeling kind of down today. I’m feeling unappreciated. Can you tell me three things you really value about me?”

Reid:  Yes.

Cathy:  Go get those needs met someplace else, in addition. If you just have one resource, you’re going to want to grab on, and you may not be giving room for your partner to just have space to appreciate.

Reid:  And beware if you’re trapped in this trap of “my partner is just not interesting.” That often means you’re not looking hard enough, and you really want to look for the gold that you see in people, whether it’s that little nugget of “they’re just often really kind to animals” – whatever that is. Again, I think that a lot of our passive-aggressiveness is coming from needs not being met, from being depleted, and we’re taking it out on our partners rather than trying to take responsibility for that and see them with new eyes.

Cathy:  Yes.

Reid:  So give that a try. Good luck! Leave some comments. Let us know what you think. Ask questions. See you later! Bye!

Cathy:  Thanks, Reid.

 

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How To Know When To Work Through Issues With Your Partner, And When To Pull The Plug? http://reidaboutsex.com/how-to-know-when-to-work-through-issues-with-your-partner-and-when-to-pull-the-plug/ http://reidaboutsex.com/how-to-know-when-to-work-through-issues-with-your-partner-and-when-to-pull-the-plug/#comments Tue, 04 Aug 2015 15:00:48 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6341

How To Know When To Work Through Issues With Your Partner, And When To Pull The Plug? Do you stick it out or end it? What are the signs that it’s over?

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com for the answers to this and more!

 

 

Cathy: Welcome, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com, and I’m here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. And our question right now is, how do you know when to keep working through a relationship or an issue, and when to pull the plug?

Reid: Well, hopefully you have done your due diligence with yourself around what your bottom lines are, and so you’ve started to already figure out what’s unacceptable, or what you would end a relationship over.

Cathy: If you haven’t done that, what’s a good resource to learn what your bottom lines are?

Reid: I’ve got some stuff I want to be posting on my blog soon, so I would go to http://ReidAboutSex.com, do a search for “bottom lines,” and if nothing comes up, e-mail me and be like “Yo! Dude! You said you were going to do a blog post on this.” Either that, or hire me to coach you through it.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: The way to do it is to really take a look at what are those things that you would end a relationship over or end a first date over immediately. Like, no questions asked.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: The analogy I always use is easy for people who have kids. You have somebody come over, you open up the door, and they’re like, “Hi! How are you?” and they kick your kid in the face. Do you go on the date? NO! And that’s how you know. It’s that cut and dried. There’s no wiggle room. So the first thing that you have to figure out is, have any of your bottom lines been crossed in your relationship?

If that is the case, you have already arrived at “we pull the plug.” And the more you know your bottom lines, and you know your “three strikes and you’re out” wiggle room, when you know those things, you can communicate those to your partner (or if you’re already in a relationship, you guys can figure those out together) and say “Hey, so now we know.”

So when it shows up, it’s a lot easier to kind of stick to your policy. Because if you don’t create these things or get clear on them (and they may change over time, over the years), but that you know what they are now allows you to have policies, rather than wrack your brain over what you should do with somebody that you probably care a lot about and are in love with. And you can be madly in love with somebody, and it can still be a bad decision to stay with them.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: So that’s the first thing to do. And if none of those bottom lines have been crossed, and then you and your “three strikes and you’re out” territory, how many strikes are going? You know? What’s really important to you in your relationship? And I think one question to ask – always – is, “Are you actually in the relationship that you should be in?”

Are you in a relationship that you shouldn’t be in? And sometimes the answer is “Yeah, I’m in that relationship.” I think the biggest problem with people, or challenge with people in today’s modern world, is that people are falling in love with good people who are horrible fits for them.

And you should not be in a relationship with that person. Ask yourself that. “Am I in love with a good person that’s a horrible fit for me?” And you guys should really sit down and be like, “We need to talk.” And then if your answer is, “Wow – I’m in a relationship with a horrible person” who is a horrible fit for you, then that’s your answer.

Get the hell out. And then… I’m sorry, I’m not going to sprinkle glitter on you and tell you that the rainbow unicorns are coming. Get out of those bad relationships. They’re not supposed to be saved. And that means nothing about you, and nothing about the other person. Just get out of Dodge.

Cathy: A good way to judge that, too, is, how much bandwidth are you putting into the relationship? How much resistance are you encountering overall? We all have bad days. But overall, is the relationship adding to your life, or is it taking it away?

Reid: And my analogy for that is if you have a car, and you’re driving up a hill, the engine works harder, versus you’re driving around town with the parking brake on. You have extra effort. Now, if you happen to live in San Francisco, there are lots of hills. That’s different than you’re driving around in Dallas with the parking brake on. And then you could also be living in San Francisco with the parking brake on, and that’s… well, you get the idea.

Cathy: [laughing] Thank you very much, Reid.

Reid: You’re welcome.

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How Do You Find Sex Geeks? http://reidaboutsex.com/how-do-you-find-sex-geeks/ http://reidaboutsex.com/how-do-you-find-sex-geeks/#comments Sat, 01 Aug 2015 15:00:45 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=6340

What can you put in your dating profile to help attract and identify Sex Geeks? Here are some key questions and points to include in your profile to find members of this unique and desirable species- From the Clown Prince of the Sex Geeks!

Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com for the answers to this and more!

 

 

Cathy: Welcome, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com, and we’re here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid: Is it TheIntimacyDojo.com?

Cathy: [nods head] TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: Was IntimacyDojo.com taken?

Cathy: It was taken.

Reid: Did I take it?

Cathy: I think you took it.

Reid:  Shoot! I’m sorry! [smiles]

Cathy: [laughs]

Reid: Wow, that’s not cool.

Cathy: No, it wasn’t!

Reid:  That’s horrible! Why didn’t you just ask… [looks at camera] This is not about THAT. We’ll talk about this later. [whispers] You should have just asked me.

Cathy: [laughs] I did!

Reid:  Oh. [whispers] Sorry! Yes – next question. Online dating! Change the subject!

Cathy: So, Reid, what can you put in your ad if you’re looking for other sex geeks or lovers,who are not looking necessarily to get married? I mean, there are a lot of people who want to get married and have kids, and there’s people out there who just want to have – they want to meet other really cool people and be able to talk about sex and talk about intimacy and have lovers. They don’t… What can you put in your ad to identify them and draw them out?

Reid: Okay, it’s a good question. So if you’re looking for geeks (what I call sex geeks) – people that are interested in talking about sex, relationships, and intimacy – they get excited about that. It’s not like you’re on a date with somebody who’s like “Do we have to talk about communication?” No, let’s rock that.

Again, you’re creating kind of like a vetting question, and you’re letting people know that this is what you’re looking for. And sex geeks, or people that are up for that challenge – budding sex geeks, white belt sex geeks, beginner sex geeks – they’ll know. They’ll get it.

So what I would probably do is say, “Looking for sex geeks and people who love processing and talking about emotions and brain chemistry and…” whatever, blah blah blah. “Please list your favorite three books on sex, relationships, and intimacy.”

Cathy: That’s great. Yeah. That’s wonderful.

Reid:  Because then – again, like we did in the other video about online dating, you’ve created this interesting hoop for people to jump through or this marker for them to meet. In the first couple of paragraphs of their reply, if they don’t mention the books…

Cathy: Right.

Reid: …or if they don’t mention the books at all – you could just scan the e-mail – if they don’t mention it, then you know that they weren’t paying attention. So now you’re about to start e-mailing back and forth with somebody who doesn’t pay attention. You’re looking for a level of cognizance and cognitive ability. And then you’re asking them to recommend either three books or three movies or three tidbits for them to share with you to start the conversation back and forth.

Cathy: It makes it an easy conversation. If you ask for something like that and they say “The Five Love Languages,” for example, and you’ve read it and you really love it, you have something: “What’s your love language?” You’ve already opened a dialogue and started to get to know the person.

Reid: Yeah. Exactly. And then another kind of answer would be, “I think I’m a sex geek, but I haven’t really read anything or gone to any workshops.” At least then you know that the person is paying attention, that they’re interested in what you’re interested in, but that they don’t have any experience.

They’re really a super-beginner. And then you can decide whether you take on rookies, you know, or if you’re looking for veterans. And that can empower you to use that kind of approach as an assessment tool.

Cathy: And even if you don’t date them, you might make some really great friends.

Reid:  Oh my God. Yeah. Just because they’re not the person for you, dating-wise, if you’re looking for this kind of community – like the kind of people that show up for TheIntimacyDojo.com – these people are also resources for you to expand your social network.

Like, you’re actually building community, and community is going to pay off in the long run more than you tossing everybody away who’s not datable. Of course, don’t put up with jerks or people that really rub you the wrong way. But ultimately what you’re looking for is a little pod of sex geek dolphins for you to go swimming with.

Cathy: Yeah, and it’s a lot of fun.

Reid: Yeah. Good luck!

 

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Reid Helps You Navigate Successful Threeways at Mission Control’s Pink Party PlayShop Aug 21 http://reidaboutsex.com/reid-helps-you-navigate-successful-threeways-at-mission-controls-pink-party-playshop-aug-21/ http://reidaboutsex.com/reid-helps-you-navigate-successful-threeways-at-mission-controls-pink-party-playshop-aug-21/#comments Fri, 31 Jul 2015 21:37:32 +0000 http://reidaboutsex.com/?p=7707

PinkPartySFMissionControl

Navigating Successful Threeways with Reid at Mission Control’s PlayShop! 

 

Three doesn’t necessarily have to be a crowd… Let Reid show you how on Friday August 21st before Mission Control’s famous PINK party!

It’s a popular fantasy with twice the pleasure potential, but navigating a three-way romance (if only for one night) can be tricky.

Join world renowned sex and relationship educator Reid Mihalko for this fun-filled workshop (with live demonstrations)!

Not only will you get a chance to ask questions, but we’ll cover:

  • What are the best techniques to satisfy two lovers at once?
  • Ways to overcome fears and concerns – Yours AND your partner’s!
  • The most common threesome mistakes (and how to avoid them!)
  • How to negotiate boundaries and safer sex protocols to make your next menage a trios tré bien!
  • Whether you’ve had more threesomes than Jim Morrison or are just beginning to consider three-in-a-bed might be something you’d like to explore, this workshop will give you plenty of tools, tricks, perspectives and laughs to enhance your love life and strengthen your relationships!

Even if you would NEVER be interested in a 3-way, this fun-filled class will give you lots of ways to talk to your loved ones about the things you DO WANT in the bedroom – no matter how tame or outrageous!

Bring your loved ones, bring your friends, and enjoy an educational and entertaining evening on how to successfully navigate one of the most common sexual fantasies: the threesome!

It will just be a fun, connective, humorous evening, where in we get permission to laugh at ourselves, to not have to “get it right” as you dare to try out something new.

Date: Friday Aug 21st, 2015
Time: 9:00-10:15pm
Location: San Francisco, CA (specific location given after RSVP)
Cost:  REGISTER HERE!

 

ReidSeatedCheckeredShirt-206x300About Reid:  Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in their relationships and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be.

Reid has appeared on Oprah’s Our America With Lisa Ling on OWN, the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Dr. Phil’s The Doctors on CBS, Bravo’s Miss Advised, Fox News, in Newsweek, Seventeen, GQ, People, Details, Marie Claire, The National Equirer, The Washington Post, on VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio, Playboy Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

To date, Reid’s workshops and lectures have been attended by close to 40,000 men and women.  Reid has been a featured speaker and keynote at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality and is a sought-after presenter and teacher at colleges and sex positive organizations across the country.  Reid has also been a writer, producer and behind the scenes consultant on a number of films and television projects about sex and relationships.

 

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